Dear Dr. Snee,
Today I accidentally jabbed the roof of my mouth and tongue with a pretzel stick. My mouth was bleeding profusely for several minutes. This is quite embarrassing in an office atmosphere. How do I avoid this kind of accident in the future? What remedies are there for an affliction like embarrassment?
Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: The embarrassment of addiction
Once again, the undead are trying to infiltrate our daily activities, all the while plotting their brain-eating agenda. Well it turns out John Q. Zombie is short on cash these days. See! You really can’t take it with you after you die.
Their latest attack: coercing real live citizens to assist them in bleeding the government coffers dry. Two men were arrested last week in New York when they wheeled a corpse down to the bank to cash his Social Security check. Hey undead, if you need cash, why don’t you get a job like the living members of society?
The story fails to mention what happened to the zombie after he was taken to the morgue. We can only assume he was given a proper burial. Once again folks, the government tries to cover up the plague of the undead because it fears a mass panic. Keep checking up on us here for more updates. The Guys will do their best not to get bitten.
Ever wanted to tell those pesky meter maids what you really think? Well, this guy did.
“‘The F-word isn’t what it used to be,’ attorney Keith Williams said. ‘It doesn’t have a sexual connotation anymore and so can’t be considered obscene.'”
Have you stood in a department store, eyes scanning back and forth between the Xbox 360 and the PS3? You took the cowards’ way out and bought a Wii instead, didn’t you?
Interestingly enough, the commerce war between the two high-end platforms is interweaved with that between HD-DVD and Blue Ray. Now that Universal is the sole remaining HD-DVD distributor, it looks like the Blue Ray-equipped PS3 will win the day.
Also, there’s this announcement: Xbox will release a furry-themed game for Xbox Live. We wish we made its title up, but Microsoft is all over this one: The Fast and the Furriest.
Go ahead; let that sink in for a minute.
Back? Now when you’re in the aisle, you can just choose the platform that makes you look less like a deviant. Or you can buy the Wii and host more “kids only” parties. Your choice.
There are a lot of smug people on the roads these days. No, I am not talking about the jerks who risk their lives and yours squeezing between two cars at 90 mph, I’m not even talking about people who drive Hummers that are not even in Iraq. I’m talking about people driving eco cars.
Before I begin this: people who say we need further study on global warming, get your heads out of your behinds. It’s here. Even if you don’t want to think about it, what’s the harm in making the air safer to breathe?
Hybrids are just fine by me. You use less gas, you hurt the environment less. Win-win for everyone on that one. Of course, you have to drive a car that sounds like it is powered by hamsters, and you automatically have a reputation for being full of yourself. But in the long run, it’s a smart choice to make. And yet it’s not a total solution, you’re still depending on the same gas everyone else is. What about all those other alternative fuel sources?
Crap.
Ethanol is already being incorporated into our gasoline supplies and it seems to work well. Your car doesn’t exactly smell like corn or sunflowers when it runs it, but it works. Why not change over to it, man? Why not, like, have a fuel source that we can just, like, grow? Put down the bong, hippie. Ethanol costs more than regular gas. That could change, but on top of that, how dumb is it to depend on a fuel source you have to grow. What happens if there is a bad year and the crops are in short supply? And is there really enough farmland in the world for everyone to change over? What about if there’s corn left to make popcorn? Folks, that is a world I don’t want to live in.
Anyone remember electric cars? I saw one when I was in middle school. It was one of the coolest things ever–a car you just plug in to any outlet. Of course, it takes the better part of a day fully charge it, and how rude would it be to drive to someone’s house and then have to plug in your car? That is probably some sort of faux pas. And then if you recall, that electricity has to come from somewhere. Most likely a power plant that also pollutes, so really there’s nothing getting any cleaner.
Yes, it’s a complicated one, folks. But always remember, no matter how warm the environment gets, we will always have our air conditioners, Al Gore be damned.
