Day: February 19, 2008

Eat My Sports: Serious allegiance

In an effort to try and keep the sporting world active in my life, I actually paid attention to this weekend’s festivities in New Orleans for the NBA’s All-Star Game. I saw Dwight Howard visibly put basketball back on the map with one dunk. I watched as Lebron James continued his ascent into being not only the next, but better than Michael Jordan. I watched all of this and suddenly got very, very depressed. Where were my New York Knicks?

Aside from Nate Robinson winning the Slam Dunk Competition a few years back, I am in a free fall as a fan. I have nothing to look forward to. The NBA season starts, I have no hope, we get Larry Brown, and I have no hope because Isaiah Thomas has ruined my beloved franchise beyond a decade-long repair. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Serious allegiance

Does this luxury automobile smell funny to you?

A young Taiwanese man was arrested for stealing the heat sensor from a urinal. He planned to use the sensor to modify existing sensors in his Mercedes-Benz.

When he explained his plan to the arresting officers, they laughingly replied, “The probability of successfully using a sensor from a public urinal to replace special factory-made sensors was and remains zero.”

This story raises two concerns:

1) The Taiwanese apparently drive Mercedeses? Mercedi? nicer cars than The Guys could ever hope to own.

2) The Taiwanese police are scary smart–like, 80s crimefighing sitcom smart.

The fight to save bunnies–for testing purposes

Last week, this blog ended a post saying that we could trust machines with any job we might give an animal. This blog would now like to rescind that statement. There are some things animals are so much better at than machines could or should ever be.

Scientists at this very moment are working on building robots on which to test chemicals, rather than testing them on cute little bunnies. Folks, if there is one job an animal has, it is to taste good, and if there are two jobs an animal has, those are to taste good and to be subjected to our cruel product testing. Better them than us.

More than just that, using robots to test on would mean we would have to give them some sort of intelligence. It is only a matter of time before the machines become self-aware and are tired of us. As Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles tells us (Mondays on FOX at 9 p.m. Eastern), self-aware machines are a very, very bad thing for the human race.

(Via Engadget)

Weak spot, massive damage, attacked … us?

They bite the hand that feeds them...and the face, too.Pay no heed to what you may normally think-raccoons are really, really cute when they’re not rabid, or scattering your trash all over your driveway, or snacking on ¥164 million in crops across the whole country. Of course, this being SeriouslyGuys means only one thing–raccoons are being evil.

The island nation of Japan, creator of such wonderful things as Voltron, the Pokémanz, and the Power Rangers, has been a wonderful aid to America. Dating back to the 70s, they helped the initial war on animals by importing those troublesome no-goodniks, the raccoons, in from the U.S., all because of a silly cartoon. Just like the above mentioned items, raccoons would simply become a fad (there weren’t enough tentacles), and lots of pet coons were soon dumped, turned loose, or escaped, and they set about earning themselves the “GAME OVER MAN, GAME OVER!” ranking on wildlife conservation lists. They now live in 36 prefectures, and a government ban on importing them or keeping ’em as pets is simply too little, too late. But fear not! Fellow Americans, let us not castigate our Japanese neighbors for the foolhardiness of their past relatives, but instead form a Blazing Sword to smite these problematic beasts! Remember, it’s them or us.

Most adorable traffic accident EVAR

I realize that it’s four days already, but, best headline ever or best headline ever?

To help seal the deal:

“The corridor was really busy, and people just kept walking, and they started to pile up. We were helping the people who had been injured, and at one point it was like the scene in The Wizard of Oz when the witch is trapped underneath the house.”

Update to ‘Pip pip, cheerio and all that ultra conservative behavior’

In more “we won!” news, It looks like London is changing their mind on that “no naked goddess in the subway” rule and will now allow the “overtly sexual” Venus painting to be displayed on tube advertisements. How gracious of them. You know what’s funny, though? Using the word “tube” when talking about 16-century paintings of naked goddesses.

(Once again, both links might be Not Safe For Work, but it all depends on your employers … or your host country. England, I’m looking at you.)

Bay of Pigs: Mission Accomplished

We did it!  The operation launched by Kennedy in 1961 to overthrow the Communist “government” has finally succeeded: Castro is calling it quits.

Yes, Fidel Castro sent a letter–presumably from the spider-hole he’s hiding in–to the Cuban Communist Party newspaper, Granma, announcing that he is too old and unfit to run the island nation any longer.

A lot of you naysayers out there said it couldn’t be done, that the initial CIA-invasion was an “unprecedented disaster” (imagine we’re pinching our noses while saying these things), that the United States military would remain in Cuba for the next century. Well, it only took 47 years, so don’t you feel like a coward now?

This blog has received no word from our government as to when Guantanamo will be shut down, but rest assured, our boys are comin’ home soon!*

*By “soon,” we mean as soon as a flourshing capitalist democracy is in place.

America’s team gives to those who don’t have

In our ongoing coverage of why the New England Patriots are so great, not only did they unselfishly give up the dream for a perfect season mainly because they didn’t want to be predictable, it turns out, they had a fare more noble idea in their heads when they threw the Super Bowl.

They wanted to clothe needy children. T-shirts and hats proclaiming the Patriots as champions of Super Bowl XLII have been given to children in Nicaragua. Because of the generous loss by these gods among men, hundreds of children now have clothing. Only thing is, they keep asking who the Patriots are.