Quit all that jibba-coma!
Posted on March 31, 2008
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Pop quiz, everyone: what’s the difference between Chuck Norris and Mr. T?
Chuck Norris puts people into comas. Mr. T brings them out of comas. He’s doing it for the kids! If you too want to share in his glory, don’t forget to brush your milk, drink your school, and stay in teeth.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorThe enemy hits a new low
Posted on March 31, 2008
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There are some issues that even we here at SG stay away from. There are just some topics you can’t find the lighter side in, at least not without hitting some nerves. That’s why we stay away from important topics like Iraq, women’s issues and Britney Spears. Until recently, there was a fourth taboo topic on that list, but because of our dedication to covering the War on Animals, we are going to cover it. Yes, our animal enemies have stooped to rape.
A New Zealand man told police he had been raped by a wombat. Really. But already a victim, the courts did not take a kind view to his story and sentenced him to 75 hours of community service. The man was unable to prove in court that he had been violated by said animal and was found to have been wasting police time.
The man had called police ranting about being raped by a wombat and said he needed immediate assistance. Shortly afterward, he called back and said he was OK and that the wombat had “pulled out.” Yeesh.
Quite possibly the greatest quote of all time: “‘Apart from speaking Australian now, I’m pretty all right you know, I didn’t hurt my bum at all.’”
If you or someone you know has been the victim of sexual assault from an animal, please don’t hesitate to get help.
Written by Bryan McBournieSeriouslyConsumer Report: G2 really sucks
Posted on March 31, 2008
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This is an emergency SeriouslyGuys Consumer Report. Please stop what you are doing (smoking crack) and pay attention for instructions.
G2, or Gatorade the Sequel, sucks. Its fruit punch flavor is best described as “Jäger piss” or, to be charitable, “Drainocolada.” Apparently Gatorade tastes good because of calories–who knew?
We asked products tester, Rick Snee, what he thought of G2.
“Oh God,” I said. “Why didn’t I buy real Gatorade this weekend? Now I have to throw these bottles away unopened, which means they won’t kill intelligent air-breathing sea mammals.”
Do not buy G2 unless you’re looking for a reason to hate your life, but your wife’s just too giving. If you see G2 endorser Derek Jeter walking down your street (which is morphing into a baseball field), kick him in the nuts so he can’t have a son to sell G3.
Although the G4 Network is not related to G2, boycott the channel just to be on the safe side. We don’t want Gatorade getting any more ideas.
Written by Rick SneeNewsweek announces staff cuts in hair salon in six months
Posted on March 31, 2008
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Remember how we told you that print journalism is doomed? (Doooomed, I tell’s ya!)
Newsweek, which you probably read in waiting rooms when the Highlights is bogarded, has paid off 111 of its writers and staffers to go hit the showers … at some other magazine or home … permanently.
We’re not saying we were right, but Newsweek isn’t firing these staffers because they’re selling too many print issues. Of course, this blog posits that Newsweek‘s woes began when they started selling back issues to the nation’s dental offices. (This week’s big scoop: ”Can Lance Armstrong win seventh Tour de France???”)
Written by Rick SneeGeek watch: really?
Posted on March 31, 2008
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For those of you with nothing better to do with your time than falsely increase your Gamerscore on Xbox LIVE ™, look out, big brother Microsoft is going to smack your hand.
Written by Bryan SchoolsAnd don’t forget the gummy bears
Posted on March 31, 2008
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Tired of sneaking booze into your local movie theater? The time honored tradition of using a flask or hiding a 40 in your girlfriend’s purse is now being bucked to increase sales at theaters nation-wide.
As more movie places begin to accept this growing trend, the jury is still out on how many drinks it would take to make Atonement tolerable.
Written by Bryan SchoolsThe McBournie Minute: The hazards of mass transit
Posted on March 31, 2008
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If you’re like most Americans, you have at job. (In some cases, two jobs. Thanks, economy!) The only thing worse than work on a Monday is the process of getting to and from work everyday. Odds are if you live some place people want to live, you’re going to be dealing with plenty of other people hurrying to work.
At my last job, I did not have this problem. I worked five minutes away from my office. It sounds insanely short, but that is what happens when you live and work on an island. You can only drive so far before you either hit a bridge or water. It also came in handy because I worked as a reporter for the local newspaper. When something happened outside of work hours, (breaking news like fires, accidents and elementary school plays) I was there to make sure we got a picture. Read more
Written by Bryan McBournieMasterChugs Theater: ‘Doom’
Posted on March 28, 2008
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The final entry in MasterChugs March Movie Mort Month is upon us. It’s loud. It’s painful. It’s got really big guns and possibly bigger muscles. It totally fits the theme for this year, which as some of you might have been able to tell, is “cinematic video-game adaptation bombs,” and boy howdy, is this movie ever a real life equivalent of Vampire Rain. That’s right, I’m talking about the one, the only, Doom. Step right in to feel the pain.
Having played all of the entries in the Doom game series, I can approach this movie from multiple viewpoints; however, I’m just going to approach it from the POV of a normal film-goer, as it tends to be the least headache-inducing.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorWhat is it with the Germans and animals?
Posted on March 28, 2008
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While we’ve been focusing on the Knut the man-eating polar bear story lately, it’s important to note that there are other animals in Germany. These animals are just as dangerous, not only because they are animals, but because they are German. We all know how it goes when the Germans get riled up about stuff, same goes for the animal population.
No better an example of German animals and their freaky German fetishes is there than a swan love story in Muenster. There, Petra the swan fell in love with a swan paddleboat in 2006. However, Petra was later separated from her unnatural love with a seagoing vessel, in hopes she would find a new mate. She did, but he flew off.
“A zoo statement says that Petra ‘appears to feel lonely’ and is swimming around in an agitated state. The solution? On Friday, she will be taken back to the nearby lake and her faithful paddleboat.”
Not only is this an abomination against God and the natural order of things, but it means Muenster will no longer have its main attraction, Petra the emo swan.
Written by Bryan McBournieThanks a heap, Mexico
Posted on March 28, 2008
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Great, now emo kids have something else to cry about.
WARNING: The preceding link is not for the faint of heart. Not since the last Dashboard Confessional tour has so much concentrated emo been recorded on a camera.
The surprising part, though, isn’t that the rockabilly, punk and metalhead teens are beating the eye-liner out of them. No, it’s that the emo kids aren’t fighing back at all–just staging demonstrations.
OK, so they can fight vampires, but not Brian Setzer, the skinny corpse of Sid Vicious and Metallica? Lame.
Written by Rick Snee keep looking »