Day: March 5, 2008

Take it from Snee: About college shootings

Today is an important milestone for SeriouslyGuys: we’ve hit the two-year mark. In the past year alone, we’ve made huge changes. We write more (which might be good or bad). We switched over to our own hosting and got rid of Blogger. We changed our look to blend more seamlessly into the AIDS quilt that is Web 2.0. We even consented to selling merch to pay for our hosting and domain. And we couldn’t do any of it without you, the reader, and your wallet.

According to some Facebook profile, Ronald Reagan said, “The right thing is not always popular, and the popular thing is not always right.” We’ve awarded the President of Our Hearts posthumous Guy status for this statement (and for eating communist babies to make more room in the world for capitalist ones).

For the past two years, The Guys have taken some tough stands that weren’t always popular. While the rest of the world TiVos Animal Planet, Planet Earth and Planet of the Apes, we advocate taking the world back for humans before its too late and we’re all speaking dolphin. Everyone believes that more education will improve America; we know that’s hogwash. A lot of “experts” out there suggest we drink in moderation; if we did that, you wouldn’t have this Web site to make your work week more bearable.

This tradition of righteousness compels me to take a stand on college shootings.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: About college shootings

What rhymes with ‘luck?’

Animals hate everything we stand for–it’s no secret. But it is becoming clearer lately that not only are they so hateful of us that they are willing to engage in the more traditional, aggressive attacks, but also passive-aggressive ones. Pets are a method of draining the average human of their monetary resources. Now, it seems they are willing to try the same tactics on our government.

A pet duck in Rhode Island was born with a neurological disorder that keeps it from walking. In any other country, that would make the pet duck a pet lunch, but here in America, the quacker is taking Uncle Sam for a ride, getting a scooter to help assist in its walking. This blog can only assume it was paid for by Medicare.

Let’s keep in mind that this duck does not hold a job, nor does it pay taxes. In fact, this blog is willing to bet the duck comes from generations of tax- (and axe-) dodging ducks. Yet our tax dollars are paying to keep this duck alive and comfortable.

I can totally taste the eighth commandment

Sometimes when you’re on high, you need to be high. At least, that’s what an Israeli researcher is saying about the Bible’s own Charlton Heston Moses.

According to the man, Moses consumed many plants that would contain psychedelic substances within them before climbing Mount Sinai, as was the norm back in the day (remember television had yet to be invented, and subsequently, the anti-drug commercials of our day) for all religious rites.

His long and flowing hippy beard probably should have been the first sign, but nonetheless, Moses was totally hooked on drugs … but not just any drugs. No, he was hooked on drugs found in the bark of the Acacia tree. Why he’s consuming tree bark is your guess.

The burning bush? Moses was high. Moses orally receiving the Ten Commandments? Moses was high. Moses leading his people through the desert for way too long? Moses was high and was lousy with a map. Moses turning his rod into a snake? Pharaoh was high.

Does this mean that Lot’s wife really turned to salt? Most probably not unless spontaneous combustion was in their family genes, which means that we can say that said image was created by the evil of illicit drugs, but she was still a total harlot.

(Via Adrienne S.)

Not in fighting condition

The Germans are traditionally pretty good at war. In fact, one might say it’s the national pastime. However, though reunited (and it feels so good), the Gerries might not be invading Poland, or anything else, aside from McDonald’s.

A military report said German soldiers are too fat, smoke too much and don’t work out enough. Clearly they are not effective fighting machines and could be easily defeated (hint hint, Mr. President). This blog recommends the Germans stick to their normal diet of beer and bratwurst, and go on The Biggest Loser: Armed Forces Edition.