Day: March 13, 2008

How To: Be well-travelled

In this day and age, book knowledge isn’t enough to win an argument. To be a successful pundit, you must have firsthand knowledge of your subject. Since nothing ever happens in your hometown, the first step to universal credibility is to build a “seen it all, been everywhere” appearance.

Unfortunately, travel costs time and money: taking time off from work, learning a language, buying and packing climate- and culturally-appropriate clothing and recovering from exotic microbial infections. But don’t you fret now, sugar dumplin’; The Guys got your back. We’ve put together a bunch of shortcuts so that you can learn how to be well-travelled.

Continue reading How To: Be well-travelled

Hey loser, either poop or get off the toilet

Much great thinkers of the world spent their time there.Upon viewing the story of “Lady and the Toilet” (it’s like “Lady and the Tramp”, but much messier), a thrilling real-life tale of one woman’s quest to never leave the toilet seat for two years, two questions popped into my mind:

1) Why did it take the boyfriend so long to call? I mean, after the first couple of days it probably would have popped into my head that I might need to call someone to get her off the can.

2) Where did he use the bathroom at?

Maybe Sheriff Whipple knows the answers:

“It really doesn’t surprise me,” Ellis said of the bathroom incident. “What surprises me is somebody wasn’t called in a bit earlier.”

Oh, well gee, that just clears things right on up.

Church to accept indulgences through PayPal

The band Bush once wrote a song called “Jesus Online.” Unlike the vast majority of Bush’s songs, this one is starting to make sense.

Churches are reporting a decline in people showing up for the confession of their sins, that is, you know, if their branch of Christianity believes in that sort of thing. However, it may no longer be a priest needed to act as a conduit to a higher power, all one might need is an Internet connection.

People can now “reach out and touch faith.” (See, Depeche Mode fans? We got a reference for you, too.) A new study from Georgetown (Jorgétown, to our Spanish-speaking readers) says that more and more people are logging on to Web sites, both Christian- and non-Christian-run, to confess their guilt on everything from binge shopping to affairs.

The Guys are ready to hear your wrongdoings, citizens of the world. Feel free to leave a comment or send us an e-mail with your salacious sins.

Note: SeriouslyGuys is not an ordained Web site, nor is it affiliated with any particular religion. We do however, feel the need to get the latest gossip.

Spitzer-gate: Worldwide edition

Everyone sitting down? Good.

Now, you’re probably going to be shocked to hear this, but a prominent public official trusted with the strict enforcement of the law and “moralizing” of the people has been caught patronizing several highly-paid prostitutes. Of course, I’m talking about the police chief of Tehran, Iran, but you know, it’s the same difference and junk!

Oh yeah … and that other guy did some stuff too.

God forbid they party in their huge homes

Sean “Muppet Nickname” Combs is a fine humanitarian who has watched the news and discovered a solution that will make the world a better, safer place.

(By “news,” we mean TMZ, and by “the world,” we mean drunk celebrities.)

Whatever he’s calling himself this week (Doody?), he’s taken reinventing the wheel to a whole new level: “launching a car service to drive drunk celebrities home.”  Thank Christ for Drappy, because it’s about time someone replaced limos, taxis, busses and poor people’s Honda Accords.

You have to buy an extra ticket

The U.S. isn’t the only country whose airport baggage screeners come across something odd every now and then (like a fake bomb), apparently it’s a unifying experience.

Baggage handlers in Munich stopped a Italian woman after they found something in a plastic bag they were fairly certain was not allowed as a carry-on: human remains. The skeleton of what was found to be her brother, who had died 11 years earlier, got the woman pulled out of line for a few short questions.

Turns out, the woman’s brother died in Brazil and had always wanted to be buried in Italy, so she was simply trying to fulfill his wishes. However, oddly enough, you’re not allowed to have a dead person in your luggage.