MasterChugs Theater: ‘Wing Commander’

Don't worry people, hell's only broken loose for approximately 90 minutes. There comes a time in every boy’s life where he makes a fateful decision: video games or computer games. While the majority tend to make the former their choice, a select few will choose the latter. Within that percentage, the majority of individuals will become privy to a series of games known as Wing Commander. A simple space flight simulator, the original game was a shining example of its time: slightly choppy full motion video heralded by a B-level actor or actress (in Wing Commander‘s case, Luke Skywalker and voice of the Joker himself, Mark Hamill) coupled with fairly revolutionary game-play. Given that the first game was created in 1990 and thus became a cult success, it only makes sense for a movie to be made based on the franchise nine years later, right? It’s OK though, because Freddie Prinze Jr. (fresh from his complimentary hit, She’s All That), relatively unheard of Saffron Burrows and Matthew Lilliard get to be attached to it, and thus Wing Commander was born. However, since this is MasterChugs March Movie Mort Month, there’s got to be something wrong with the movie, and boy oh boy, is there ever. Hit the cut to find out. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Wing Commander’

Starbucks is in trouble, gang!

Sorry to interupt today’s observance of the War on Animals, but Starbucks is in trouble!

The San Diego Superior Court has ordered the company to pay over $100 million to all of its waiters baristas in California.  They were sued by a former employee who claimed that shift supervisors were included in tip-share, which is in violation of state law.

This venti order of justice could not come at a worse time.  Starbucks has been in financial trouble for almost two years now because caffeine junkies have turned their back on them in favor of quicker fixes like Red Bull, Dunkin’ Donuts and crack-coccaine.

Remember the world before Starbucks?  When you had to drink a Coke to wake up in the morning?  When your tongue wasn’t stained hemorrhoid brown?  When you didn’t have a place to show off your Macbook?

Do you really want to go back to using PCs, having money for cigarettes and listening to Peter Cetera un-ironically? 

We didn’t think so.  Get to a Starbucks today, and let them know what America is really about: not drinking tea.

Panda Watch: National Zoo

Nearly three years ago, a giant panda cub named Tai Shan was born at the National Zoo and lulled Washington into a sense of stupor–exactly what the animals want. Today, Tai Shan is a 170-lb. monster, ready to pounce on anyone that comes near him.

Case in point, Tai Shan attacked a zoo worker with his deadly claws and long teeth! Luckily the worker was able to make it to safety with only a cut on his leg. It could have been far worse. A panda is still a bear, and bears maul.

To make matters worse, zoo officials are helping Tai Shan’s mother pop out another of the devil’s spawn. Mei Xiang, Tai Shan’s mother, was artificially inseminated Tuesday, which means we have to look forward to a man-made panda threat. But do not fear, yours truly, SG’s Washington correspondent, will keep you up to date on the growing panda threat.

Rays strike again, awaken sleeping giant (us)

Ladies and gentlemen, the news from the War on Animals frontlines does not get any better today.  The stingrays, who started this war almost two years ago, have struck again.

This time, their victim was a Michigan woman vacationing in the Florida Keys.  The 75-pound spotted eagle ray leaped into the air, striking the woman in the head.  The woman was standing on a boat travelling 25 mph, so the ray’s barb was unnecessary.  This was the equivalent of attacking a baby with a ballpeen hammer.

This blog knows that every human lost in this war is roughly 76,650 less all-you-can-eat seafood buffets.*  We know that there is a time to mourn.  But there is also a time to exploit.

While this loss of human life is tragic, it is a stern reminder of what happens if we let down our guard and take vacations in the animals’ homeland: outdoors.  Either vacation in large human population centers, or take a gun and shoot everything with more or less than two legs!

*Equation to estimate a lifetime of seafood buffets:

L = average lifespan in years (70)
y = days in a year (365)
m = number of meals per day (3)

B = L * y * m

Friday morning eye opener

Good morning, Internet. This blog has seen its fair share of those random text-based ads you see on web pages, e-mail messages and search engines. Sometimes they are interesting, most of the time they are irrelevant (except, of course, for any of our advertisers), but sometimes they can be shocking.

Recently, this blog came across a Web site called DateACougar.com (link may not be SFW, but there is no nudity) and we were shocked! How could anyone even think of dating a ferocious animal like a cougar cougar? Last time we checked, cougars are animals and we happen to be at war with animals!

Nevertheless, for some reason this site seems to be popular with women in their 40s and 50s, as well as younger men. One can choose to search through profiles to find a man, a cougar or a couple (of humans, we assume). This is just sick!

Remember folks, just because she may have a pretty smile, wag her tail and even purr when you walk in the room does not make it OK to date outside of your species–no matter how luscious those felines may look!