Day: March 24, 2008

About time somebody said something

We found this headline on CNN’s front page under latest news:

cnn_obama2.jpgThat’s right: Barack Obama’s church is against crucifixion, unlike some other churches that seem to celebrate it every Spring.

Senator Obama is now two-for-two when it comes to saying things we’ve all been thinking, yet never had the courage to say.

Crucifixion is wrong, people. It hurts, it kills and it lends legitmacy to snuff films. Don’t crucify, lest ye be crucified yerself.

Image: Screenshot of CNN’s home page at 3:10 pm EDT on March 24, 2008.

Be swell, harpoon a whale!

We’ve mentioned the fifth columnists that would betray the War on Animals in this blog before.  However, they have now taken over the media.

Animal Planet will run a new series called Whale Wars, which follows the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, a group of animal lovers that hinder the Japanese warriors who put whales to good use: powering lamps and curing erectile dysfunction.

We’re shocked at this staunch betrayal by Animal Planet.  In the past, they’ve entertained us by forcing puppies to play in each others’ filth (Puppy Bowl) and with comedies like Animal Police.  The latter shows police catching people who don’t know how to kill their pets and just let them starve.

It’s obvious there is a liberal bias in the media, but we must remain vigilant in the War on Animals.  Those traitors activists will thank us when they can leave Antarctica.

You know who else tattooed human medical test subjects?

Have you always wanted a tattoo, but can’t decide between the tribal armband or kanji word for “tribe?”  And have you always wanted to get vaccinated, but are worried that the needle will scrape on your bone?

Well, have we got peanut butter in your chocolate/chocolate in your peanut butter!  The next generation of vaccines may be delivered via tattooing.

Freaky German researchers have determined that injecting DNA vaccines into the skin is more effective than your traditional intramuscular injection (that shot that made you cry at your last physical).

Remember, these will be administered by hospital staff, so you might not want to request any designs that involve handwriting.

Go to school, learn an illegal trade

After Friday’s highlights on the War on Animals, we switch focus to our other war, the War on Education.

Educators in Victorville, California have learned a hard lesson: when candy is criminalized, only criminals will have candy.

At the urging of Governor Arnold Schwartzenhophenhujablange … the Terminator, Hook Junior High School banned all candy sales to help cut down on childhood obesity.  Since then, a black market of students with Twinkies and Snickers bars has exploded.

Leave it to our educators to create a new generation of Al Capones.  If we needed more criminals, we could just send them to the movies or let them play video games all day.