With last week’s putrid display of green jerseys from teams that have absolutely no Irish background (New York Knicks and Chicago Bulls to name a few), it’s time to analyze the top five worst jerseys of all-time. These were wardrobe malfunctions that teams actually agreed on. Basically its the sports equivalent of Roseanne Barr wearing that taped on J-Lo dress everyone got so hyped up about (Is that a dated reference now? Am I getting old?). Continue reading Eat My Sports: Jersey watch
Day: March 25, 2008
Zebras really don’t change their stripes
It’s spring time along the Chesapeake, and clearly the animals know it, because they are coming out of hiding, most likely with fresh plans to attack and kill us all. Not only are the merciless pandas repopulating, but snakes are going after the region’s travelers.
Now, it seems they are hatching their evil plans of world domination by breaking out from the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. This blog warned something like this could happen if the two mega-circuses (circi?) were allowed to merge. In Baltimore, drivers are used to seeing some weird stuff, but Thursday they saw zebras running around downtown. Luckily, they were rounded up before they could hold up too much traffic.
Then this blog found another startling revelation:
“The same three zebras, plus a fourth, made a similar escape in June during the circus’ visit to Colorado Springs.”
The nation’s capital is now in peril, as the circus has turned its sights to Washington. Earlier today, there were rumors that elephants–not GOP members–were strolling down amongst federal government buildings as evidenced here in this real picture. We need to fight back! Can’t we shoot someone out of a cannon at these monsters?
Fuzzy math is still fuzzy math
Reuters is a species traitor. There, I said it. After all, that’s the only thing that can explain why they would already decree that the gophers have won a battle in the War on Animals. Hey, Reuters, ever heard of “Dewey Defeats Truman?”
Now, in retrospect, the two Canadian men who were responsible for suffering a possible defeat in the war probably shouldn’t have tried to fight with an underground flash fire technique. Also, using a device called the “Rodenator” just means that you’re not going to be successful in your venture, no matter what it is. After all, we’re aware that the best technique for gopher disposal is the use of carefully shaped C-4 molds, right?
The bright point in the story? There are now 8 less gophers in the world that can plague us. Huzzah!
A SeriouslyIntervention
Hello, SeriouslyReader. How are you? Good.
You’re probably wondering why The Guys are all here in your office. We wanted to start by saying that we love you, but we’re concerned.
According to Dr. Jerald Block’s article in the American Journal of Psychiatry, you’re addicted to the Internet. We’ve noticed it for some time, as you:
Suffer from feelings of withdrawal when a computer cannot be accessed.
Remember that time you tried us at gunpoint, just to see if there were any new Fark headlines? That was scary.
Increasingly need better equipment.
You camped out for an iPod Nano. You already have a regular iPod and a video iPod.
Need more time to use it.
We used to go on trips. Now “there’s never enough time” because your 2,000 Facebook friends are constantly updating their relationship statuses.
Experience negative repurcussions from your addiction.
You lost your job because you were distracted by a flame war in Cary Tennis’ advice column about breast implants. Your children have to eat chiclettes for lunch. Oh, and you totaled the car because you were texting your BFF to let him know “where u at.”
As we said, The Guys love you, but you have an addiction, and it hurts us to watch your downward spiral. You don’t have to quit the Internet, but you could cut back. How about just reading SeriouslyGuys from here on out?
Snakes in a bag
The Easter holiday travel time might be over finally, but now we are left to clean up the mess left by attacks on our high holy holiday. Unlike humans, animals are soulless and do not believe in God. This is proven by their attempts to thwart Easter in the name of their ungodly cause.
A man outside of Washington, a current hotbed of animal activity, was attacked by a snake that got into his luggage somehow. The man, a rowing coach, had been in South Carolina and reached into his luggage after returning home. There he was bitten by a rattlesnake. Firefighters were the first to arrive on scene.
“‘We took the bag outside and used a [carbon dioxide] fire extinguisher to freeze the snake,’ killing it, Barksdale said.”
Truly, our country’s bravest.