Day: March 28, 2008

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Doom’

The final entry in MasterChugs March Movie Mort Month is upon us. It’s loud. It’s painful. It’s got really big guns and possibly bigger muscles. It totally fits the theme for this year, which as some of you might have been able to tell, is “cinematic video-game adaptation bombs,” and boy howdy, is this movie ever a real life equivalent of Vampire Rain. That’s right, I’m talking about the one, the only, Doom. Step right in to feel the pain.

Having played all of the entries in the Doom game series, I can approach this movie from multiple viewpoints; however, I’m just going to approach it from the POV of a normal film-goer, as it tends to be the least headache-inducing.

Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Doom’

What is it with the Germans and animals?

While we’ve been focusing on the Knut the man-eating polar bear story lately, it’s important to note that there are other animals in Germany. These animals are just as dangerous, not only because they are animals, but because they are German. We all know how it goes when the Germans get riled up about stuff, same goes for the animal population.

No better an example of German animals and their freaky German fetishes is there than a swan love story in Muenster. There, Petra the swan fell in love with a swan paddleboat in 2006. However, Petra was later separated from her unnatural love with a seagoing vessel, in hopes she would find a new mate. She did, but he flew off.

“A zoo statement says that Petra ‘appears to feel lonely’ and is swimming around in an agitated state. The solution? On Friday, she will be taken back to the nearby lake and her faithful paddleboat.”

Not only is this an abomination against God and the natural order of things, but it means Muenster will no longer have its main attraction, Petra the emo swan.

Thanks a heap, Mexico

Great, now emo kids have something else to cry about.

WARNING: The preceding link is not for the faint of heart.  Not since the last Dashboard Confessional tour has so much concentrated emo been recorded on a camera.

The surprising part, though, isn’t that the rockabilly, punk and metalhead teens are beating the eye-liner out of them.  No, it’s that the emo kids aren’t fighing back at all–just staging demonstrations.

OK, so they can fight vampires, but not Brian Setzer, the skinny corpse of Sid Vicious and Metallica?  Lame.

The TSA, nipple piercings, and a woman named Mandy

No, it’s not a new movie by Peter Greenaway, though there is a story to it. A crack team of airline security experts forced a woman in Texas to remove her nipple piercings before being allowed to board a flight. Her lawyer says, “The last time that I checked a nipple was not a dangerous weapon,” but obviously she’s never checked out those old Madonna pictures from back during one of her mid-90’s tours. Hey, those monsters had to go somewhere.

Also, as a warning, it gets kind of icky in its description about halfway down, so, y’know, caveat something Latin. Let’s go with reador.

As if the moon wasn’t dusty enough …

You know how awkward things get when somebody quotes The Honeymooners to their wife or girlfriend?  You know the line we’re talking about:

Ralph: One of these days, Alice.  [Swings fist]  Bang!  Zoom!  TO THE [MOTHERF-CKIN’] MOON!

(“Motherf-ckin'” ours.)

News that a company named Celestis will deposit dead people’s ashes on the moon doesn’t relieve that awkwardness at all.

Street value of tighty whiteys skyrockets

Nobody likes coming home to find their house has been robbed. It’s a feeling of violation–some stranger has tread into your most personal of personal spaces. Let’s not forget that all your valuables are gone.

That’s what happened to a Utah family recently. But also, they found that the thief had taken food, some soap, toys and of course, underwear. Police say they are looking for Peter Pan.

What? We can’t make literary/musical jokes this early?