Pop quiz, everyone: what’s the difference between Chuck Norris and Mr. T?
Chuck Norris puts people into comas. Mr. T brings them out of comas. He’s doing it for the kids! If you too want to share in his glory, don’t forget to brush your milk, drink your school, and stay in teeth.
There are some issues that even we here at SG stay away from. There are just some topics you can’t find the lighter side in, at least not without hitting some nerves. That’s why we stay away from important topics like Iraq, women’s issues and Britney Spears. Until recently, there was a fourth taboo topic on that list, but because of our dedication to covering the War on Animals, we are going to cover it. Yes, our animal enemies have stooped to rape.
A New Zealand man told police he had been raped by a wombat. Really. But already a victim, the courts did not take a kind view to his story and sentenced him to 75 hours of community service. The man was unable to prove in court that he had been violated by said animal and was found to have been wasting police time.
The man had called police ranting about being raped by a wombat and said he needed immediate assistance. Shortly afterward, he called back and said he was OK and that the wombat had “pulled out.” Yeesh.
Quite possibly the greatest quote of all time: “‘Apart from speaking Australian now, I’m pretty all right you know, I didn’t hurt my bum at all.'”
If you or someone you know has been the victim of sexual assault from an animal, please don’t hesitate to get help.
This is an emergency SeriouslyGuys Consumer Report. Please stop what you are doing (smoking crack) and pay attention for instructions.
G2, or Gatorade the Sequel, sucks. Its fruit punch flavor is best described as “Jäger piss” or, to be charitable, “Drainocolada.” Apparently Gatorade tastes good because of calories–who knew?
We asked products tester, Rick Snee, what he thought of G2.
“Oh God,” I said. “Why didn’t I buy real Gatorade this weekend? Now I have to throw these bottles away unopened, which means they won’t kill intelligent air-breathing sea mammals.”
Do not buy G2 unless you’re looking for a reason to hate your life, but your wife’s just too giving. If you see G2 endorser Derek Jeter walking down your street (which is morphing into a baseball field), kick him in the nuts so he can’t have a son to sell G3.
Although the G4 Network is not related to G2, boycott the channel just to be on the safe side. We don’t want Gatorade getting any more ideas.
Remember how we told you that print journalism is doomed? (Doooomed, I tell’s ya!)
Newsweek, which you probably read in waiting rooms when the Highlights is bogarded, has paid off 111 of its writers and staffers to go hit the showers … at some other magazine or home … permanently.
We’re not saying we were right, but Newsweek isn’t firing these staffers because they’re selling too many print issues. Of course, this blog posits that Newsweek‘s woes began when they started selling back issues to the nation’s dental offices. (This week’s big scoop: “Can Lance Armstrong win seventh Tour de France???”)
For those of you with nothing better to do with your time than falsely increase your Gamerscore on Xbox LIVE ™, look out, big brother Microsoft is going to smack your hand.
Tired of sneaking booze into your local movie theater? The time honored tradition of using a flask or hiding a 40 in your girlfriend’s purse is now being bucked to increase sales at theaters nation-wide.
As more movie places begin to accept this growing trend, the jury is still out on how many drinks it would take to make Atonement tolerable.
If you’re like most Americans, you have at job. (In some cases, two jobs. Thanks, economy!) The only thing worse than work on a Monday is the process of getting to and from work everyday. Odds are if you live some place people want to live, you’re going to be dealing with plenty of other people hurrying to work.
At my last job, I did not have this problem. I worked five minutes away from my office. It sounds insanely short, but that is what happens when you live and work on an island. You can only drive so far before you either hit a bridge or water. It also came in handy because I worked as a reporter for the local newspaper. When something happened outside of work hours, (breaking news like fires, accidents and elementary school plays) I was there to make sure we got a picture. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The hazards of mass transit
