Month: March 2008

The TSA, nipple piercings, and a woman named Mandy

No, it’s not a new movie by Peter Greenaway, though there is a story to it. A crack team of airline security experts forced a woman in Texas to remove her nipple piercings before being allowed to board a flight. Her lawyer says, “The last time that I checked a nipple was not a dangerous weapon,” but obviously she’s never checked out those old Madonna pictures from back during one of her mid-90’s tours. Hey, those monsters had to go somewhere.

Also, as a warning, it gets kind of icky in its description about halfway down, so, y’know, caveat something Latin. Let’s go with reador.

As if the moon wasn’t dusty enough …

You know how awkward things get when somebody quotes The Honeymooners to their wife or girlfriend?  You know the line we’re talking about:

Ralph: One of these days, Alice.  [Swings fist]  Bang!  Zoom!  TO THE [MOTHERF-CKIN’] MOON!

(“Motherf-ckin'” ours.)

News that a company named Celestis will deposit dead people’s ashes on the moon doesn’t relieve that awkwardness at all.

Street value of tighty whiteys skyrockets

Nobody likes coming home to find their house has been robbed. It’s a feeling of violation–some stranger has tread into your most personal of personal spaces. Let’s not forget that all your valuables are gone.

That’s what happened to a Utah family recently. But also, they found that the thief had taken food, some soap, toys and of course, underwear. Police say they are looking for Peter Pan.

What? We can’t make literary/musical jokes this early?

How To: Get married

We’ve provided several How Tos on how to get into a relationship. This isn’t one of those.

No, this How To is about making the whole ordeal much, much easier. At some point, you’re going to consider taking the plunge, whether it’s a matter of financial security, citizenship, wanting to breed or the government finally said it’s OK. (Keep your chins up, robo sapiens!)

That is why The Guys sat down and drafted this handy guide that explains how to get married.

Continue reading How To: Get married

Maine hates liberty

Maine's fire for the statue burns onward until the end of time ... or if the fire runs out.Well, metaphorically speaking. Though in some cases, it may be quite literally, as the picture shows. Recently, Maine decided to ban lighters that look like things other than lighters. Now, this might be a bit of an understandable move if the items banned were lighters without safety switches, but … well, banning novelty lighters is a tad bit ridiculous. And this comes from an individual who has problems working lighters (I’m all nubs, baby).

On the other hand, let’s look on the bright side of this: more laws mean that parents have to watch their kids less. Hooray! Also, smart parenting means to leave only normal shaped lighters strewn about your domicile. That way, the kids damned well know what they are.

Oh, brainstorm! We can apply this other problems. Next time you’re out and about, scatter some normal looking, fully loaded handguns randomly about some playgrounds and schoolyards. The kids know they’re not supposed to play with them, so it’ll be a win-win situation for us all! Double hooray!

No! They ain’t gonna take it!

Quick, pop quiz: Remember that itsy-bitsy teensy-weensy $91,000 fine the FCC threw at Fox for lewd television lewdness (for probably a yellow polka dot bikini)? Yeah, so it seems that Fox isn’t going to pay it. (At least not while they have a lawsuit about censorship coming before the Supreme Court.) Now, a small question to ol’ Rupie M and his crew: are you sure that you can successfully do that? Because, y’know, FYI and all that, my Uncle Louie tried a real similar strategy with his taxes and that didn’t exactly end well. Though I discover a new relative, my Aunt Louise that lives out in Mex-hee-co.

Knuts for publicity

Animal warriors, the situation in the Berlin Zoo has become worse than we imagined.

According to Markus Roebke, one of Knut’s handlers, the orphaned polar bear has turned from the priviledged-by-birth toast-of-the-town to “publicity-addicted psycho.”  The bear now becomes distressed when not receiving attention, whining and howling when it knows an audience is near.  Knut will now do anything, just to stay in the public eye.

Roebke’s analysis has been confirmed by an unnamed “prominent animal conservationist,” who declared Knut “an animal psychopath.”

Finally, this PR nightmare has come to an end.  It’s only a matter of time before Knut releases a pop album, flashes his Knuts during a wardrobe malfunction and, at the very end, “leaks” a grainy sex tape to the Internet.  Perhaps he’ll attempt one last performance on an awards show, but fail to live up to his younger, cuter days.  The rest of his days will be spent on one doomed, shallow marriage after another, generating more paternity tests than an episode of Maury.

Speaking of which: is it just us, or has Knut really packed on the pounds?  To think that we all wanted to have sex with him back in 2006.

You ate the worm? So what?

Worms, scorpions and other tiny animals are often found at the bottom of liquor bottles. One animal you can cross off that list is the rattlesnake.

A rancher in Texas was recently arrested after he had begun selling bottles of vodka with rattlesnakes inside them. The idea had been pretty profitable for him because he sold it as an “ancient Asian elixir.” Bayou Bob Popplewell was arrested and charged with selling alcohol beverages without a license. It could mean a year in jail and $1,000 fine.

Not only was this man selling booze to people who need a nip, but he managed to incorporate the genocide of rattlesnakes into the process. He should be praised, not arrested. FREE BAYOU BOB!

Take it from Snee: Who is Hillary Clinton?

Don’t let that McCain ad in our right-hand margin fool you: SeriouslyGuys is, and always has been, a relatively apolitical site. We don’t endorse candidates because we’re issues-driven. (Those issues, of course, are the wars on animals, aliens and education.) That said, when we write about political candidates in the Scurry section, it’s always in the interest of equal-opportunity offense.

So there’s been some bellyaching from Hillary-supporters. They are upset because Barack Obama gets, as they put it, “far more coverage” in the media. In an attempt to balance the Democratic media-coverage spreadsheet, I’ve decided to provide the Hillary campaign with coverage comparable to Obama’s. (You’re welcome, Mrs. Clinton.)

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Who is Hillary Clinton?

Call it what it is

Remember when bathroom tissue was called “toilet paper,” or when prisons became “penitentiaries?” Well, the PC police seem to be at it again, in of all places, West Virginia.

There, the new owners of a 19th century hospital that has held many titles, have changed the name of the building back to the “Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum.” This is causing a stir with people who find that term for the mentally ill, or as medical books refer to them, “nutsos,” is rude and should not be revived.

This blog must defend the new name. It is well documented that insanity comes from looking at the moon too much, which is where the term “lunatic” comes from. To deny this simple fact of god-fearing science is to deny reality. Or perhaps it’s the “asylum” part they find offensive. Should the crazies not have a safe place, or asylum, from the world? Shame on you, liberals!

One thing all parties agree upon is that watching West Virginians attempt to spell Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum should be a lot of fun.