Day: April 2, 2008

Take it from Snee: Cleaning out the language gutters, part II

It was brought to my attention that there are a few words that I left out of my last purge of the English language.  Of course, that was not a definitive list-merely the beginning of an ongoing renovation project.

The criteria is simple: once a word has been abused, sullied and tarred-and-feathered to the point that it is rendered meaningless, I will take it to the shed and put it out of its misery with a bullet between the eyes.  It’s all done humanely, and I always gather the torn out dictionary pages with some friends for a good cry.  Afterwards, we get drunk and mangle the rest of the language.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Cleaning out the language gutters, part II

China–home of the protest

Break out the tissues, STAT!Someone better break out the tissues, as China’s starting to get teary. The Dalai Lama is stopping in Japan on his way to the United States for a whole 24 hours. That’s apparently 25 too many for China, as they’ve begun to complain to Japan about this very act. Why, of all the nerve. Can you believe it? Young Lamas these days, with their Nobel Peace Prizes and their vague plans to maybe hold a news conference or get some lunch on Japanese soil, right next to their rightful jerk-face usurpers! Japan, while not without their own history of boo-boos, has decided to remain close to mum about the situation.

Foreign Minister Masahiko Komura, asked on Tuesday by reporters to comment on the planned stopover, gave a measured response.

“‘The Dalai Lama has visited Japan many times in the past and each time we have dealt with the situation appropriately,’ he said. ‘We’ll continue to do so from now on as well.'”

As relations between the two countries over the past hundred years have been about as sturdy and dependable as a coke-head in the 80s, the Prime Minister, in response to China’s insistence that they’ll hate Japan’s guts forever and ever for “harboring” the Lama, was that it’s probably good to think before they say anything about the situation, by which time the big guy will be safely out of the country. Ah, diplomacy, how I lust for thee.

‘I’ll just nip out the back and shoot myself’

On first reading this headline, “We have created human-animal embryos already, say British team,” our first instincts were to urge a tactical first-strike on Britannia.  After all, a war on animals includes preempting any Isle of Dr. Moreau attrocities.

But we continued reading the article.  (It’s only one day after April Fools, and the British press have made up news for centuries.)

These scientists may have opened the doors to The Restaurant at the End of the Universe by combining human and cow DNA.  Think about it: vegetarians will be forced to leave us steak- and, to a lesser extent, hamburger-eaters alone if we only eat suicidal cows.

Our prescription for our new bovine sapiens?  Lots and lots of The Cure.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd whammy!

Or double whammy according to this headline.

This is where the eastern countries have it wrong and we have it right. In this case a man now has to go tell his next girlfriend (or wife) that he has been divorced twice … simultaneously. We here encourage multiple girlfriends, so that way you don’t have two people going over half your estate at once, for those math wizards out there 2 x 50% = ?

I drink swear anymore will I not

After 48 years of crime that he blames all on booze, John Burns has decided to give up the sauce. This after years of alcohol induced crimes that have led to him being convicted of robbery, breaking and entering, driving without a licences and most recently, driving the wrong way down a two way street.

Here at SeriouslyGuys we encourage that you give up booze after 24 years of alcohol fueled crimes, not 48. Or as we call it, twentyfloored.

Octopi: Moral degenerates

Scientists with way too much free time on their hands have announced the results of a recent study of octopi and their sex habits. What they found only further shows how evil animals are and how they practice sexual rituals previously only associated with pagans. We need to kill these eight-armed monsters.

First off, they kill each other for women. That’s called jealousy and it is a hallmark of a poor father figure. Most likely these males had alcoholic fathers or deadbeat dads.

What is worse is that often, the males will swim like females in order to get in close and get past bigger males and get in close with the ladies. They will eventually show their true colors, and like some bizarre romance movie, the females love it. Folks, cross-dressing is only OK if you’re J. Edgar Hoover, and last time I checked, he only had two arms and two legs.