Day: April 3, 2008

How To: Select a running mate

It’s an election year, and that means if you’re running for a certain office in the executive branch of the federal government, it’s time to choose your running mate. Now, though it may be April, there’s a chance your political party has not yet nominated you as their candidate because you don’t have enough electoral votes. Pay no heed to that! It never hurts to plan ahead. Just like cleaning your bathroom, if you get it done now, that’s one less thing you’ll have to worry about before the big party.

History has taught us many important things in choosing a potential vice president. The Guys are constitutional experts on this subject. For example: did you know that the VP’s only real job is to babysit the U.S. Senate, while calling the White House every 24 hours to see if president is still breathing? Now, with our expertise demonstrated, we present to you, how to choose a running mate. Continue reading How To: Select a running mate

Protecting children doesn’t come free, y’know

In other children related news, and also what may be one of the most convoluted pieces of governmental logic ever, a South Carolina state senator has snuck a 20% tax on porn into the budget in order to save your children! If we can’t protect them from items that they can’t access, then all is lost. Don’t you feel safer already?

Little children plot to torture teacher, still look adorable

In a move that can only be viewed as both a “pre-naptime activity” and an episode of “Rugrats” as directed by David Fincher, a group of third graders apparently hatched a plot to do away with their teacher. The reason? She scolded one of them for standing on a chair. That monster! Some of the weapons confiscated ranged from a broken steak knife to a ribbon, the most deadly of weapons in the “birthday party family.”

Do you see now, hippies? This is what happens when you take away the waterboarding corporal punishment beatings switchings spankings and instead implement time-outs. Hey, maybe next time we can send little Billy to the corner to think about stabbing Miss Smith in the eye. Isn’t he just the cutest lil’ blood drenched sociopath?

Put down that water bottle!

According to two scientists from the Renal, Electrolyte and Hypertension Division at the University of Pennsylvania, there is absolutely no evidence that drinking eight glasses of water a day is good for your health.

But you know what has been proven to be good for you?  (Hint: read the “Filed Under” in this post’s header.)

That’s right: its booooooooooze!

Take that, Sting

Two days is too long and impossible, even The Guys know that. Well gents, it’s time to stop trying to measure yourself up to the marathon sex the “In the House of Stone and Light” singer claims to be having.

According to this study, sex should take three to 13 minutes on average. Want to make up for that 30 second zinger? Go for 13 and a half minutes, and your average is right on time!

Finland has scandals, too

Let’s say you’re an older man and you have a birthday party. At that birthday party they have, shall we say, women who will dance naked for you. Sounds like you had quite a party, but all parties must come to an end.

Let’s say after the party, you got said dancer’s phone number. Good for you! This must mean she wants to see you again because you are such a great guy, right? Wrong. She probably gave you her number in case you ever feel like giving her more money. One Finnish man learned that sending text messages to a stripper can get you in trouble, especially if you are the country’s foreign minister.