Imagine a frat party thrown by the kind of guys who never rushed a frat (due to prior theater and D&D commitments), and you’re halfway to embracing the ethos of Club Dread and its snarkitects, the Broken Lizard comedy troupe. Going the rest of the way depends on your taste for the sort of slack, salty, sporadically ingenious humor you might find at your local improv hole for half the cost of a movie ticket.
Day: April 4, 2008
A tax increase on pints? Blimey!
If there’s one thing this blog likes to do, it’s get all fired up about one of the topics we feel isn’t getting reported or not been reported fairly. Today, we get our dander up over alcohol, and the creeping fascism that seeks to destroy it once and for all.
In Britain, long known for its beverage-related tyranny, is now trying to oppress the drunks that stagger among them. The U.K.’s treasury chief raised taxes on beer. There are many things citizens in the U.K. can take (like financially supporting an antiquated and purely ceremonial lineage under the guise of a ruling status), but a beer tax is too much for boozing Britons to stand–well, if they were sober enough to stand.
In response to this clearly unreasonable taxation with representation, the citizens are mounting an Internet campaign, a “whiskey rebellion,” if you will, against Allistair Darling, the treasury chief. All over the country, pubs are putting up signs saying they will not serve Darling in their establishments. This blog firmly supports the movement, and hopes that our British, Scottish, Welsh and Cornish cousins will soon break free from the chains of oppression, so that they may one day sit down in a pub and drink their grog without fear of government intrusion.
When good products go bad, vol. 86,359
Many individuals out there would say that the bra is a wonderful device. The Guys, being guys, would most assuredly not be in that category, but hey, until the Bro is made, who are we to judge? Nonetheless, what happens when a bra goes bad? What happens when lacerations are created on one of the most hallowed of hallowed woman spots? Chaos.
Don’t believe me? A woman in South Carolina is suing Victoria’s Secret because she claims that a “bra malfunction” cost her a job, a future modeling career, and left her body scarred. If this is not clearly yet another reason to only dress yourself exclusively in cured meats, then I don’t know what is.
When society crumbles, blame Facebook
This is an emergency SeriouslyGuys Bulletin. Please drop whatever you are doing (picking your belly-button lint) and pay close attention. Your life may depend on this news.
SeriouslyGuys has just discovered from CNN that college students are revealing their relationship statuses on Facebook, an open online forum that anyone can access. Users can list themselves as “single,” “in a relationship with,” “engaged to,” “married to” or even “it’s complicated with.”
The last option, “it’s complicated,” is the most alarming because it encourages uncommitted relationships with multiple people. We all know that polygamy, homosexuality and beastiality are destroying society, and it’s not fair that college students are allowed to do that.
It’s a mystery how this Facebook feature, which has been part of the social network since it launched, has escaped CNN’s notice for so long. What’s next? Creating cults about pasta that users can join? Fortunately, it’s never too late to talk to your kids about the perils of moral ambivilance on the Internet.
Our priests don’t fake it … right?
This blog is appalled at a Florence, Italy, priest who faked exorcisms. Other priests reading this may wonder, “What’s the big deal? Everybody fakes it sometimes. It was still a nice possession.”
Well, we’re glad you wondered that. The Guys put a lot of stock in our ability to conjure demons and want to think that you’re having a good time expelling them from our bodies. We want to know that all your squirming around, screaming and praying are the real deal, not some patronizing gesture so we’ll stop vomiting on you.
At the very least, please tell us if we’re not hitting that special spot. We’ll step it up a notch: walking on ceilings, offering more of our bodies …. We’re not even opposed to shouting dirty talk at you.
However, let’s not go too far. We’re not wearing that.
Red Sox join the War on Animals
Baseball season is finally upon us. We know it, our former enemies friends in Japan know it and obviously so do the animals. Seeing an opportunity to strike at loyal Boston Red Sox fans, a red-tailed hawk made a nest at the majestic Fenway Park, a baseball Mecca.
The hawk waited for its opportunity, and was noticed by ballpark staff. The bird was scheduled to be dealt with when it attacked a girl taking a tour of the park with her middle school class, cutting her head above her eye. Not surprisingly, the nest was located just above the press box, most likely waiting for the off chance to silence The Guys.
The story has a somewhat happy ending. The hawk flew off and is reported to be still at large after the nest, and an egg, were removed. New item on the Fenway menu: omelettes.
UPDATE: Sports Illustrated has a picture of the attack.
In unhappier news, sea lions in California had been given a death sentence (and rightly so!) by the state government, then the inHumane Society came in and made them stop. The stay of execution will last until something is worked out by the group and state and federal agencies. This blog will never waver from its “kill the bastards” stance.
In a case of lose-lose, while the sea lions could meet their end, or even be moved, they are being moved to that salmon can make it ustream to spawn. We can handle the salmon, though.