Day: April 7, 2008

Point/Counterpoint: The end of Hillary?

OK, so everybody in the world online has their own theories as to whether Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign is deader than AIDS research.  Of course, many of these opinions are biased by either support of Barack Obama or their dad who hates Mrs. Clinton.

To this point, nobody has been able to pinpoint one exact moment when she should have gone whereever Geraldine Ferraro cries off public-lashings.  Until now: a Hillary Tall Tale Generator is up on Something Awful.

Is this automated list of tall tales, and subsequent gaming jokes, the death blow to her campaign?

Point: Nobody cares about Vin Diesel anymore.  Is he still alive?  Mr. Diesel: cough once for yes, make a sequel to The Chronicles of Riddick for no.

Counterpoint: Chuck Norris became a deciding factor in the Republican primaries … until Republicans woke up from that 12-week Mai Tai bender with a Mike Huckabee tattoo.  Still, nobody has challenged Mr. Norris to a celebrity boxing match, so his career isn’t dead.

What say you, SeriouslyReaders?  Share your points, counterpoints and Vin Diesel jokes in the comments!

Fighting the growing threats of animals, teenagers

If there’s one thing the Sega Genesis taught a generation, it’s that hedgehogs are speedy, blue creatures that wear only shoes and gloves–they are not toys. But what we often forget is that they are still animals, and because they are animals, they want to kill us.

Hedgehogs have spiny backs that protect them from Dr. Robotnik’s evil robots sent to destroy them. They also have powers of mind control, as a man in New Zealand found out recently. For some reason, he picked up a hedgehog, which was curled up because it was revving up to get enough speed to make it around the loop, and threw it at a teenager.

The man was charged with assault with a weapon. The teen, whose leg was injured in the attack, is fine, but the happiest news is that the hedgehog is dead.

Side note: It is with great sadness that The Guys report the death of Bryan Schools, who passed away from blog-related illness. We will miss you, Bryan. Have a drink with Jesus for us.

West coast water supply secured from salmon

It is a glorious day in the War on Animals: salmon can no longer be found off the coasts of California and Oregon.

Thanks to the concerted efforts of the commercial fishing industry, Long John Silvers and armchair warriors like you, salmon can no longer ruin our beaches and drinking water with acts of malfeasence like fornicating and pooping.

Go ahead, pat yourself on the back.  We’ve all worked hard for this day.  But don’t think this means we can take a day off.  There’s still a whole world of water-spoiling fish out there to be eaten before we can switch back to tap.

You can have his guns if you pry them from his cold dead hands

Today, we mourn the death of Charlton Heston. He was a warrior, a leader and a monster upon the battlefield (of Hollywood). The NRA may still have Tom Selleck and Ted Nugent, but they never find such a person that played as fine a scapegoat as Heston. Finally, he’s where he always wanted to be.

A damn dirty apeless heaven.

It’s April 7 somewhere

Stop whatever you are doing and have a drink.

Good. Now that you have done that, we will tell you why. Seventy-five years ago today, the Volstead Act, better known as prohibition, was nearly torn down in a single swig, when 3.2 percent alcohol beer was allowed to be legally made and consumed again. Granted, it was not exactly strong beer, but hey, booze is booze.

The stronger beer meant we were one step closer to vanquishing the self-made demon known as prohibition, which was enough to drive a man to drink in the first place. To celebrate, at the broke of midnight April 7, 1933, Anheuser-Busch threw a party it called New Beer’s Eve.

It was only a matter of time, before freedom once again rang across the nation, and Lady Liberty could legally belly up to the bar.

The McBournie Minute: Bars are still fun

People at my last job in their forties told me that I would soon get tired of the bar scene–that after a few years of being able to drink, going to a bar would seem an unlikely and unnecessary choice. After being able to drink for nearly four years, I have found that the answer is yes and no.

When you get into the mode of trying to save cash whenever you can (especially if several of your selfish friends are planning to get married in the same year, and expect you to get hotel rooms and snazzy clothes for each of them), going to the bar doesn’t make any sense. Why would you want to go to a bar and pay much more for a drink you could pour yourself? On top of that, you have to tip the bartender. Don’t skimp on this, people. If you are too broke to tip, you are too broke to be at a bar. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Bars are still fun