Eat My Sports: Joey Zasa and March/April Madness

Coming into this year’s tournament, the big question surrounding the Memphis Tigers’ program was their free throw shooting. Well, point taken, sports reporters, as that was the main reason the Tigers did not win the Division I championship last night in regulation.

Never one to not take in a championship (except for the 2004 and 2005 Pats), fellow Guy Bryan McBournie and I ran a running diary during last night’s game, here’s what transpired:

9:00
Way too short of an opening sequence by CBS. I thought these things were supposed to be epic, maybe take on the theme of a recent movie. I would kill to see John Calipari and Bill Self have a beach make out scene a la Atonement. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Joey Zasa and March/April Madness

Three, six, nine, damn good wine

Wine is one of the snootier forms of alcohol (rivaled only by mouthwash). But it seems the wine industry as a whole is about to be shaken up a bit. In news we swear we aren’t making up, rapper Lil Jon will soon begin selling his own brand of wine.

Lil Jon, often seen with a pimp chalice, and well-known fan of the drink, apparently is not only drinking Crunk Juice or sipping on Cristal. No, it seems he often enjoys a merlot, the ballingest of the wine kingdom. The Associated Press story fails to mention a release date, but fear not, Lil Jonathan Winery (yes, that is really the name) will probably drop sometime this year.

His next venture remains open to speculation, but this blog is not willing to rule out shaving cream, toilet paper and of course, construction as possibilities.

“‘I’m not no “drink wine every day” kind of dude,’ he said in a telephone interview. ‘I’m not like an expert, so don’t ask me no questions … I just like the taste.'”

Arkansas toddlers no longer enjoy freedom to marry

In another example of creeping fascism, the state of Arkansas has ended a marriage debate that is as old as, well, as old as last fall. The state has come down hard in its staunch Bible Belting point of view on marriage: children are no longer allowed to marry.

The debate arose last October, when it was discovered there was a loophole in a marriage law the legislature had recently passed that allowed anyone, regardless of their age, to marry. The state was marred with complaints, and numerous annulments had to be granted, because play-weddings ended up being officiated by justices of the peace.

This blog pleads with Arkansas to reverse its decision. We all know that kids are lazy. Perhaps getting married will force them to be more responsible and get a job, instead of mooching off of the older generation.

(Courtesy of Courtney P.)

Los americanos no lo tienen fácil.

We all like booze. It makes the world go round. It goes yum-yum in my tummy. It even has hilarious ads (for reference purposes, see Patton Oswald’s rant regarding Dewars). Of course, there are times when sometimes, the ads are just offensive. This is not one of those times.

Swedish vodka maker Absolut has come up with a new ad depicting a “what if?” scenario involving what the United States of America had the U.S. lost the Mexican-American War of 1848. Apparently, this is ruffling a few feathers. Who would’ve guessed? I certainly wouldn’t have. In leaps of logics similar to people decrying Guitar Hero 3 for facing against the devil, some American citizens, even a forum of news channel, are calling for boycotts of the brand. Apparently, ads are funny until they’re not pro-United States. And even if those ads are in other countries, we should still have a say in them. How dare they!

Calm down and stop getting so worked up over this, people. It’s just an ad. Absolut was simply targeting the appeal to a specific country. That’s it. No harm, no foul. Besides, what else kind of vodka are you actually going to drink? Aristocrat? Smirnoff? The bathtub gin special?

(Courtesy of Adrienne S.)

What evil lies in the luggage of men?

A British court has just learned that the men who are accused of scheming to blow up airplanes over the Atlantic Ocean, were planning to distract airport security by planting porn magazines and condoms in their luggage. Of course, they were unsuccessful in their dastardly deeds, which definitively proves that porn can defeat terrorism and save lives!

You know, it feels funny to even type that last bit out. Hrmm.

Finally: an FCC fine we can agree with

Fox, by way of News Corp., is in trouble with the FCC for airing pixelated boobies on some show we’ve never seen called Married by America. This is the standard on which the FCC has based their suit:

“It ‘in context, depicts or describes sexual or excretory activities or organs in a patently offensive manner as measured by contemporary community standards for the broadcast medium.'”

Which has been applied to this:

“‘the thrusting of a male stripper’s crotch into a woman’s face; a topless stripper performing a lap dance for a groom-to-be; a topless female stripper spanking with a whip or belt the buttocks of a topless man who is on all fours; two topless female strippers apparently kissing while straddling a shirtless man; and a female stripper cupping her own bare breasts and puckering her lips.'”

The FCC is absolutely correct: this should not have been obscured with pixels! Fox, you owe us some strippers.

Reminds me of my college years

A man in Pennsylvania had a rather confusing-written accident recently. The 38 year-old man, who just happened to be naked, drove his minivan down a local highway, and decided to climb out and get on the roof, in essence surfing on the car.

Not surprisingly, the car crashed shortly afterward. The crash launched him into some nearby woods, and he got a big cut on his side. Luckily for this blog, that’s not where the story ends.

The man then got up and went for a jog down the shoulder of the highway, because really, after an accident, the best thing to fight shock is a nude jaunt down the road. The man refused to listen to police commands to stop and had to be shocked with a Taser, which had no effect. Tackling, however, did.

Looks like someone’s been reading How To: Drive a car.