Day: April 9, 2008

Take it from Snee: Pets are not surrogate children

I’ve seen a lot of strange behaviors in my short time on Earth. There was the fistfight in New Orleans between a young man and woman where they took turns punching each other in the face (a la The Flintstones boxing match), and then hugged. Or the night that a strip club in Huntsville, Alabama erupted into a giant brawl not once, but twice. I watched a crowd stampede to see Eminem up close. I even drank in proximity to Billy Dee Williams. I’ve witnessed all manner of public sexual act.

To some degree, I can understand all of that or at least decently rationalize it. Well, except the Billy Dee Williams part–how does a guy that cool just blend in?

But the one behavior that I can never rationalize is the fetishization of pets. Pet owners turn them into the children they never had or, even more disturbingly, they always wanted.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Pets are not surrogate children

Only war during hunting season?

Fowl appear to be out to foul up the federal government, which has run them afoul of this blog. (Too much?) First, we find that turkeys, be they jive or of some other condition, are attacking our letter carriers for no established reason.

Now, ducks are attempting to clog up our legal system with frivolous court orders. On Long Island, New York, an alert citizen, most likely a reader of this blog, shot his neighbor’s pet duck with a pellet gun. He wounded the animal and probably taught it a lesson it won’t soon forget. However justified the man’s actions were, the duck convinced a court that not only was the man at fault, but the duck was in imminent danger and needed an order of protection.

The Guys are supportive of the man and are appalled that birds of any feather can be treated with so favorably when all they seek is the destruction of our government. Activist judges are species traitors.

They’ll never even suspect it

You’ve got to give it to the south. Whenever we say they can’t possibly get any dumber, they go and prove us wrong.

A Georgia man had a cab driver pick him up at his apartment and drop him off at a local Sun Trust Bank. After the ensuing robbery, the man then had the cab driver politely take him back to his residence. We really wish there was a better word for stupid.

Wild Turkey(s)

Tired of seeing their bretheren slain for us giving thanks, the turkeys have started fighting back. Don’t let the dull eyes and sumptious breasts fool you, these dangerous beasts are out for blood.

In Wisconsin these demon birds are attacking postal workers on their daily routes. Our nations’ mail carriers were supplied with water pistols to fend off the feathered freaks, but apparently they are adapting.

Save a postal worker, kill a turkey.

Do not adjust your monitor

Today’s Picture of the Day comes from Saini Sunpura, India, where a baby was born with two faces.

Both faces are functional, the father saying that “she drinks milk from her two mouths and opens and shuts all the four eyes at one time.” She also shows no signs of respiratory problems.

All should be well in India, unless she grows up to become the District Attorney of a city plagued with supervillains who will burn one of her faces with acid. There’s no fate worse than being played by Tommy Lee Jones. (“Gosh, we won’t need as much fake burned skin with his already cratered face!”)

Of course, her parents will be disqualified from settling their disputes with a baby toss. She’s twice as likely to land on heads.

Image Source: “Baby with two faces worshipped as a goddess,” CNN. 9 April 2008.

Alarming Headline of the Day

This blog is well aware of the power we as a society give machines over us. One society is far worse in that regard, however, the Japanese.

The island nation has a shrinking population, most likely because everyone is too busy playing their Wiis while holding their Hello Kitty dolls. But as the majority of the country heads toward retirement, there could be a labor crisis. With so many jobs to fill the Japanese plan to use robots to do menial tasks.

However, the U.S. is still ahead of them. We want our machines to do our colonoscopies.