MasterChugs Theater: ‘Beerfest’

The movie's got boobies and beerSG of note: Chug has not felt well at all this week. As such, to continue with a Broken Lizard theme for this month, he’s phoning in reposting his review of Beerfest. Next week will see a new review, though.

Beerfest starts out with a disclaimer warning the audience not to try this it at home. Why is this? Because you’ll die, that’s why. They have a point. Imitating the actions of the characters, or even build a drinking game behind this maddeningly uproarious, sud-soaked comedy aimed straight at the frat boy set (or just about anyone that likes to laugh), is to invite mortal peril, or at least a ridiculously bad hangover. With that in mind, let us please neglect to point out that this movie reviewer goes by the name of “Chugs.”

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You Missed It: Open flame edition

YMI1Welcome to a new weekly feature we like to call You Missed It. No “In Case” just “You Missed It.” Every Friday around lunch time, we’ll run down the major news stories of the week, so you don’t have to feel like you aren’t paying attention.

Olympic Torch Relay
The Olympic torch relay made stops in Europe and North America this week, and all went according to plan. Protests in London, Paris and San Francisco were disrupted by protests against China’s human rights history. One green protester with bolts in his neck was heard to say, “Fire bad!”

American Airlines Cancels Flights
Thousands across the country were stranded this week when American Airlines canceled hundreds of flights because the planes had to be inspected for mechanical problems. Many passengers are still waiting at airports for another flight, but American Airlines made amends Friday when the company released a special announcement congratulating the passengers on their extended vacation.

Fall Out Boy Bassist, Ashlee Simpson Engaged
On Wednesday, Ashlee Simpson and Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz announced their engagement. The couple said they do not have a wedding date set, but Simpson will head into the studio later this month to record the audio for her part of the ceremony.

Polygamist Ranch in Texas
Police in Texas raided a compound owned by members of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, claiming members of the church forced teen girls to marry and have sex with them. Hear that, pedophiles? Get organized and invest in real estate.

Most powerful laser created, can totally beat up your dad

Scientists have created a laser that is the brightest light in the universe. Thanks to the temperatures that it generates, exploding stars and giant planet cores are now open for exploration. Unfortunately, with great power comes great responsibility. Is this laser such a good idea? Let’s go the pro/con route.

Pros: For about a ten-trillionth of a second, it’s 100 times brighter than a gamma ray burst. What does this mean for you? For about a ten-trillionth of a second, you can become 100 times stronger than the Incredible Hulk. Human smash puny hulk!
Con: We are totally going to get aliens called to our planet with this laser. They will be annoyed. They will also probably have brighter lasers.

Con: If stolen, the laser will next show up at a WWE pay per view.
Pro: We may successfully be able to rid the world of the mullet haircut in one weekend.

Pro: Fratboys and 13 year-olds will finally be able to live out their dreams of having a real life Spartan laser.
Con: Fratboys and 13 year-olds will finally be able to live out their dreams of having a real life Spartan laser.

When in Rome, do a Roman city official

Are you frustrated with our current political climate?  Do you find yourself saying more and more that you’re moving to Canada or Australia if so and so doesn’t get elected?

Then perhaps you should consider Italy, where a porn star is using pictures of her tookhas to campaign for a seat in Rome’s city hall.  (To be fair, voters will want to be sure that she’ll fit in the chair.)

Her “if-I’m-elected” promise: a red light district within, um, spitting distance of the Vatican.

If that doesn’t seal the deal for you, then maybe this will get you to the passport office:

“D’Abbraccio, in her 40s, isn’t the first adult entertainer to dip her painted toenails into Italian politics. Ilona Staller, known as “Cicciolina”, sat in parliament in the 1980s and was famous for her impromptu stripteases.”

April 15 is almost here, better drink up

Just a reminder to all the tanked out there: your taxes are due next week. You might want to think about filing them. One good reason is that it allows you to get your tax return back. We know what that means–booze money.

There’s another good reason, especially if you live in New Jersey. You can have your taxes done for you while you’re hanging out at a bar. CPA Carmine Sodora can take care or your W2s while you get wasted. We all know it would certainly take the pain out of doing your own taxes, which drives you to drink anyway. This way, you don’t have to feel bad about doing so, or explain to the IRS audit guy why your penmanship gets sloppier and sloppier as you go down the page.