Day: April 15, 2008

Eat My Sports: Curses

Now who is paranoid?

After nearly a century of talking about some curse by some fat guy named “Babe” who had a candy bar, the 2004 edition of the Boston Red Sox ended all talk about curses. The 2007 guys made sure that the thought of any such nonsense was definitely put to bed.

Now baby Hank Steinbrenner is upset because a construction worker (oddly enough, who was from the Bronx) added a David Ortiz jersey to the foundation of the new Yankee stadium in order to try and curse the team. So, when construction workers are trying to place a paranormal curse on your new building, who you gonna call? Continue reading Eat My Sports: Curses

We only need 49 states, anyway

We already have enough problems dealing with the animals we know about, yet for some reason, people are convinced that there are bigger, scarier animals out there that will be ready to eat us. Sometimes these people are driven warriors trying to root out threats, other times they are godless homosexuals.

An expedition that set out into the wilds of West Virginia (which is a vague term, the whole state is pretty much uncivilized and uninhabitable) to find evidence of Bigfoot. And what do you know, they found some! What are the odds of people under the guise of science going out to seek unlikely results, find some and draw an immediate conclusion?

They found some tracks and heard weird sounds at night. Folks, this is evidence enough for this blog. It’s time to hit these large-footed bastards where they live. Let’s nuke West Virginia!

UN ushers in Year of the Potato

It’s the Vegetable New Year!  After a very successful Year of the Rutabaga and the disastrous 2006 Year of the Spinach Leaf, the United Nations is celebrating in the streets to usher in the Year of the Potato.

If you were born in 2008, 1996, 1984, 1972, 1960, 1948,1936, 1924, 1912 or 1900, then this is your year, Potato Head! 

For those born in these years, you are forthright, disciplined, systematic, meticulous, charismatic, hardworking, industrious, charming, eloquent, sociable and shrewd. Potatos can be manipulative, cruel, dictatorial, rigid, selfish, obstinate, critical, over-ambitious, ruthless, intolerant, scheming and sturdy.

Watch out for Cabbages and Broccoli–they are jealous of your charisma and secretly plot your downfall.

Other Potatos include classical composers Bach and Handel, one-eared artist Van Gogh, keyboard-maiming Dvorak, Walt Disney and Charlie Chaplin.

Elections: Now with 74% more fiber!

It was Peter Finch who said the infamous lines “I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell–‘I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!’ Things have got to change. But first, you’ve gotta get mad! You’ve got to say, ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!’ Then we’ll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis. But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it: I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!” in the classic 1976 movie, Network. Unfortunately, the rest of the world seemingly gets movies in their countries much later than the rest of us. Like Italy, it would seem.

Case in point: a 41-year-old businessman with pooping problems, having seemingly just seen Network, decided that, in a fit of rage and protest, to eat his electoral ballot. Claiming that all Italian politicians and politics “are crap” and that he was protesting “against the system,” the unnamed individual went for a nice plate of fettuccine politico. Of course, based on his own words, does he not realize that he was eating crap?

I’m just saying, is all.

Family of the Week nominee

Let’s keep the theme of strange world records going. Ladies, we know you are a non-existent crucial part of SG’s readership, so allow us to introduce to you a stud, that is if you are into teenagers.

Meet Andrew Dahl, 13, of Washington state. He likes long walks on the beach, watching the sunset and the scent of a fresh balloon. We assume that last part is true, anyway, because Dahl inflated a possible world record 213 balloons with his nose. His father measured the balloons while his mother counted them.

Sorry, we do not have Dahl’s contact information, ladies. Just follow your nose.