Eat My Sports: Round 1, FIGHT!!!

Welcome to the 2008 edition of the NBA playoffs, 16 teams (none of which are the Isaiah Thomas-less New York Knicks) are fighting for a chance to bring home a gold statue with a ball on it. Correction, 15 teams are competing. The Washington Wizards probably would have been in a lot better scenario heading into tomorrow night’s game in Washington if “What’s Eating” Gilbert Arenas had not opened his mouth and bad mouthed the reigning Eastern Conference champs. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Round 1, FIGHT!!!

Schadenfreude: Feel better about your secret closet kink

Do like reporting? Enjoy CNN, but just hate some of the dirt-bags that give you the news? While we’re at it, do like enjoy hamsters, candles and guys in leather named Steve? Then take ease, noble citizen, that there are most certainly individuals out there that are way more kinkier than you are!

Better minds than those that belong to The Guys have no doubt been coming up with plenty of fantastic headlines all this past weekend to describe the strange case of CNN reporter Richard Quest, who was arrested in Central Park last week with what law enforcement agents described as “a rope around his neck that was tied to his genitals, and a sex toy in his boot.” Ew.

In the meantime, we’re just gonna take this opportunity to remind you once again that meth is one helluva of a drug, kids.

My lawsuit-style is stronger than your discrimination-style

WA-PAAAAAAAH!GREG: Hey, Ted! Get a load of the new bus driver!

TED: Yeah, the one with the shaved head, love beads and pan flute? What a loser!

GREG: Let’s fire him!

TED: Wait, you sure? I saw some old episodes of Kung Fu, and that was always a bad idea.

GREG: Eh, what’s the worst he can do? It’s not like we’re carrying an Olympic Torch.

BILL, the Shaolin priest/airport shuttle bus driver, puts down his flute, stands up and does one of those neck popping things like Blade. Lightning flashes across a cloudless sky as a flock of cranes takes flight from a nearby hydrangea bush. The ground trembles ever so slightly, as if the Ancestors are fuming from within the Earth. He steps into Tiger stance and reaches back …

BILL: WA-PAAAAAAAH! [Presents lawsuit papers.]

Why can’t we finish them off?

There is never any news quite as good as when another species goes extinct. Obviously, it means we are that much closer to victory in the War on Animals, but when we find what we thought were dead species alive and well, we are not doing our jobs well enough.

Researchers have found a giant turtle in Vietnam that had not been seen in years, leading many to think it was extinct. The turtle is indeed still alive, and scientists think there could be more of them left, too. Is there no war we can win in that country?

What’s even worse, the Discovery Channel, which owns the Al Jazeera-like Animal Planet, reported recently that some pygmy elephants from Borneo have been found alive. People, we thought we killed these bastards off in the 18th century.

This is a call to arms. We need to make sure we kill off these creatures before they undo all the work we and our forefathers did. Let us finish the job.