Day: April 24, 2008

How To: Get answers

How many times has this happened to you?You wake up naked on a couch you don’t recognize … well, not entirely naked thanks to a strategically-placed sombrero. It’s daytime, though your hot, stinging brain wishes it wasn’t, but you can’t tell the time: a VCR flashes 12:00 over and over again.

Stumbling around using couch cushions as crotch- and butt-covers, you knock over the world’s largest beer can pyramid, to find the bathroom to this mystery apartment. “PENIS” scrawled across your forehead. You pray that it’s dry erase, but your futile wiping proves that, alas, it is Sharpee. Blood is dried at the corners of your lips, but it does not taste like your own.

You need answers, but how do you get them? That is the subject of this week’s How To: Get answers. Continue reading How To: Get answers

Oh yeah? Rake this, sucker!

In other news of drunken attacks between friends, two friends in Springfield, Massachusetts were hanging out, drinking some beer and doing some yard work. The usual. But then, things turned ugly.

The two friends got into an argument, and while the details are not quite clear, somebody got whacked around with a rake. Proving once again the age old addage, “Don’t drink a lot of beer with your friend while raking leaves, then insult his sister, because you may end up being an assault victim.”

The rake was not available for comment.

Sith Lord fights Jedi and religion but not the law

Oh, those wacky, zany Welsh people! Whatever will they get into next?

Apparently, it would seem to be shenanigans involving the Sith and alcoholism. A North West Welshmen has admitted to assaulting a man and the man’s cousin with a metal crutch. Now, this isn’t very unusual; the situation, however, is very much so out of the norm. Barney Jones, who had founded a Jedi church in his backyard, was attacked by Arwel Wynne Hughes, Dark Lord of the Sith (who, given that he was Welsh, probably had a name similar to Darth Wrtnhgjnrtanllms) and the sauce, all while Hughes was wearing a black trash bag and yelling “Darth Vader!”

Yes, you have indeed read that story correctly. Weep for humanity.

Your campaign is what you eat?

Cult of personality–a term used when referring to a leader that trades on charisma more than substance. Often, there can be a frenzy around such a person and the media are all too happy to play around, turning it into a firestorm of personality.

Luckily, this blog is not about furthering stuff like that. We are also convinced Americans do not purely follow leaders based on their personalities, just look at our current president. Fortunately, the term does not apply to Sen. Barack Obama, either. No one’s been writing songs about crushes on the married man and certainly no one is putting his breakfast up for auction on eBay.

Wait, that may not be true. Recently, Obama’s half-eaten waffle breakfast that he ordered at a diner in Scranton, Pennsylvania was put up for auction on eBay, sparking an Internet sensation. People are now trying to capitalize on the buzz by selling waffle-related things such as Web site rights and paintings.

The Guys are very serious political analysts, so we are not going to further glorify this story by reporting it or even mentioning it on our blog.

Shrimp are just plain evil

Shocking news this morning, (from what this blog assumes, we just glanced at the story because we were so shocked,) as CNN reports that workers are being abused in the shrimp industry. According to the story, workers are kept in slave-like conditions and are forced to do their shrimp master’s bidding.

This blog takes a stand on human slavery. It may not be a popular view, but we are against it. We are even more against it when it involves animals enslaving humans. Now, humans enslaving animals is perfectly acceptable (hello, milk machines!) and often encouraged.

Folks, there are people in Asia being enslaved by shrimp. This blog can think of only one man for the job.