Day: April 28, 2008

You win some, you lose some

We have finally figured out how to eliminate those annoying dolphins as a species (aside from humiliating them to death for tourist shows). SeaWorld, the world’s largest chain for aquatic gulags, has managed to kill a dolphin as part of its show.

Sharky the dolphin was performing some sort of aerial stunt when it hit another dolphin in a mid-air collision. Now THAT’s entertainment! In the War on Animals, it is always great to see people showing initiative and eliminating the great dolphin threat.

Sadly, we lost one of our boys on the West Coast recently. An animal trainer in California paid the ultimate price in this crazy, mixed-up war, when a “friendly” grizzly bear he was wrestling with bit him on the neck. We proudly salute our fallen comrade. May he go where the bears and their hunts for picanic baskets cannot reach him.

Finally, many of our readers have been clamoring for mention of the shark attack in San Diego last week. There, we said it.

Misleading Headline of the Day

If you’ve tuned into CNN’s Web site today, you either jumped for joy or mournfully prank-called Larry King as Baba Booey’s testicles after reading this headline.

Just to recap:

Update (4/28/2008):
After linking to CNN’s original article, “Howard Stern comic dies at 39,” they changed the headline to read, “Howard Stern contributor dies at 39.” Don’t let Ted Turner tell you otherwise: The Guys own CNN!

Whut’chu talkin bout Divorce Court lady?

Wonder if Gary blames his problems on the bike shop owner?Gary Coleman, diminutive actor of infamy, is many things: Superhero (“I always feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders every day I get up. … There are days I don’t even want to get up.”). Rescue worker ( see again”I always feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders every day I get up. … There are days I don’t even want to get up.”). Philosopher (and yet one more time, “I always feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders every day I get up. … There are days I don’t even want to get up.”). Yet, he’s also one more thing: divorceé.

Yes, sadness creeps up once again in Hollywood as Gary Coleman is divorcing his wife of 20 months. The reason being? “Anger and intimacy issues”, though neither is saying which is to blame. The best part, though? We get to watch it all take place on television’s Divorce Court. No lie.

Key quote: “If he doesn’t get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a five-year-old does.”

We call that irony.

Remember everybody, no matter how lousy your life may seem at times, it can always be much, much worse. The next time you see Gary, let him know that you’re there for him. Give him a shoulder to cry on … or, more honestly, a waist.

For Queen and Country

We assure you that is chocolate, not ... something else.

SeriouslyGuys tries hard to reach all of our reader demographics, so we’ve got a story just for our postmenopausal women readers under 70 years-old with diabetes (our second largest demographic after left-handed Grenada veterans).

Ladies, your nest is empty, your man is hosting playdates in his man cave and you’re living in a fort made of empty QVC boxes. If only there were some way you could get paid to eat Belgian chocolate until your heart quits. If only …

The United Kingdom needs you! The University of East Anglia in Norwich, England, will give you Belgian chocolate for one year. The catch (and there’s always one) is that they will test you five times randomly for increased risk of heart disease.

Sign up soon: they’re only testing 150 women.

The McBournie Minute: Losing weight is tricky

It’s no secret that the average American is overweight. It is also no secret that Americans are obsessed with beauty, though not always their own. As summer is approaching, people left and right are trying to find ways to look good for the beach.

To do this, people try every diet under the sun. It seems every few months there is a new diet fad that comes out. All of a sudden, Americans flock to cut back on carbs, calories or what have you, while trying to eat what they enjoy. This is, of course, really stupid, because no one holds to a diet. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Losing weight is tricky