Take it from Snee: 2028 Predictions

OL, so most a few of my 2008 Predictions were proven wrong. (There’s no point in revisiting any of them or eating any crow.) I’ve learned my lesson about dabbling in the dark, forbidden arts and will never repeat my mistakes again.

So, now I’m going to make a prediction that I can smugly point to for 20 years before proven wrong. I hereby introduce my first in a series of 2028 news predictions.

Parents upset about child’s marriage to 40-year-old man

By RICK SNEE | The Boozociated Press
10:23 AM EDT, April 30, 2028

MIAMI, FL — The parents of Madison Terwilliker have taken William Thompkins, 40, to court for marrying their daughter without their consent. Thompkins faces felony charges of rape and child abduction and, if found guilty, could face up to 300 years in prison.

“He’s a sick, sick man who’s stealing away our child!” said Madison’s mother, Jennifer. “She’s only 28-years-old! What kind of man marries a baby?”

Madison was enrolled at Greenbriar University, pursuing her second Master’s degree in Russian Literature when she met Thompkins, a Sears sales associate who was taking some continuing education courses at the school. She had previously completed two Bachelor’s degrees in Fine Arts and Communications with minors in Karate, Gay and Lesbian Studies and Criminology and her first Master’s degree in Political Science.

“I had been in only 20 serious relationships before meeting Bill,” Madison said. “I know I’m too young to know what adult love is about, but Bill has really taught me a lot about myself. For instance, I never would have tried bowling before. That’s for 30-year-olds.”

When asked about Madison’s extremely young age, Thompkins said that she exhibits a maturity not found in her age group.

“I mean, yeah, she’s young enough to be my niece or accidental little sister, but she’s got a good head on her shoulders,” Thompkins said. “But then I’d probably be smart and have a better job if I’d stayed in school past my MBA.”

Thompkins also asked if this reporter would make his quotes “sound more grammatical,” given his limited education.

Madison’s father, Steve Terwilliker, has his doubts about Thompkins’ intentions.

“Sure, Thompkins said he wanted to ‘marry’ my daughter,” Steve said. “But let’s look at the facts: he’s 40 and she’s just a little girl. It’s obvious what’s going here. I’m not gonna let my baby quit school when she’s so close to finally becoming an independent adult, just to entertain some pervert’s mid-life crisis. I know what guys his age think–I’m only 49.”

The couple married last Saturday in a small service consisting of close friends in Little Rock, Arkansas-the only state that has not risen its marriage age to 30 like the rest of the country. They had just returned from a three-day cruise in the Bahamas to find Miami police waiting to arrest Thompkins and place Madison into temporary protective custody.

“The foster family was nice,” Madison said. “But they only had basic cable. Honestly, who could watch only 40 MTV channels? I wrote my first thesis on the political profiling used to cast Real World: Tehran.”

She added that the presence of an older male in the household did not tempt her to break her vows.

“I know what you’re thinking, that I have some kind of fetish for father figures. If that was the case, why didn’t I marry my dad?”

The situation for Thompkins in jail is far worse, alleging that he has been the target of violence from fellow inmates.

“Don’t you know what they do to child molesters in here?” Thompkins said. “It didn’t matter how much I told them that our relationship is consensual. I had to convert to Mormonism just so I would have the toughest gang to protect me. Those guys are really scary!”

The Terwillikers are optimistic about their case and cannot wait for its successful conclusion.

“Really, we just want our Madison back,” Jennifer said. “As soon as she’s home, we can give her more money and send her back to Greenbriar to finish her last two years of school.”

“I’d also like [Thompkins’ genitals] in a glass jar for the mantle,” Steve said. “Can judges still order that for sex offenders?”

Thompkins is being held without bail. His trial is set for 2:00 PM EDT on May 14, 2008 in the Miami Criminal Court.

Note: The SeriouslyTimes does not publish photos of minors under the age of 30.

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Rick Snee

Through his writing for SeriouslyGuys, Rick Snee has alternately been accused of being: a liberal, a conservative, three different spellings of "moron," some old grump, a millennial know-nothing and -- on one occasion -- a grave insult to a minor deity in some obscure pantheon (you probably haven't heard of it). Really, he's just one of The Guys, y'know?