Month: April 2008

You win some, you lose some

We have finally figured out how to eliminate those annoying dolphins as a species (aside from humiliating them to death for tourist shows). SeaWorld, the world’s largest chain for aquatic gulags, has managed to kill a dolphin as part of its show.

Sharky the dolphin was performing some sort of aerial stunt when it hit another dolphin in a mid-air collision. Now THAT’s entertainment! In the War on Animals, it is always great to see people showing initiative and eliminating the great dolphin threat.

Sadly, we lost one of our boys on the West Coast recently. An animal trainer in California paid the ultimate price in this crazy, mixed-up war, when a “friendly” grizzly bear he was wrestling with bit him on the neck. We proudly salute our fallen comrade. May he go where the bears and their hunts for picanic baskets cannot reach him.

Finally, many of our readers have been clamoring for mention of the shark attack in San Diego last week. There, we said it.

Misleading Headline of the Day

If you’ve tuned into CNN’s Web site today, you either jumped for joy or mournfully prank-called Larry King as Baba Booey’s testicles after reading this headline.

Just to recap:

Update (4/28/2008):
After linking to CNN’s original article, “Howard Stern comic dies at 39,” they changed the headline to read, “Howard Stern contributor dies at 39.” Don’t let Ted Turner tell you otherwise: The Guys own CNN!

Whut’chu talkin bout Divorce Court lady?

Wonder if Gary blames his problems on the bike shop owner?Gary Coleman, diminutive actor of infamy, is many things: Superhero (“I always feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders every day I get up. … There are days I don’t even want to get up.”). Rescue worker ( see again”I always feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders every day I get up. … There are days I don’t even want to get up.”). Philosopher (and yet one more time, “I always feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders every day I get up. … There are days I don’t even want to get up.”). Yet, he’s also one more thing: divorceé.

Yes, sadness creeps up once again in Hollywood as Gary Coleman is divorcing his wife of 20 months. The reason being? “Anger and intimacy issues”, though neither is saying which is to blame. The best part, though? We get to watch it all take place on television’s Divorce Court. No lie.

Key quote: “If he doesn’t get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a five-year-old does.”

We call that irony.

Remember everybody, no matter how lousy your life may seem at times, it can always be much, much worse. The next time you see Gary, let him know that you’re there for him. Give him a shoulder to cry on … or, more honestly, a waist.

For Queen and Country

We assure you that is chocolate, not ... something else.

SeriouslyGuys tries hard to reach all of our reader demographics, so we’ve got a story just for our postmenopausal women readers under 70 years-old with diabetes (our second largest demographic after left-handed Grenada veterans).

Ladies, your nest is empty, your man is hosting playdates in his man cave and you’re living in a fort made of empty QVC boxes. If only there were some way you could get paid to eat Belgian chocolate until your heart quits. If only …

The United Kingdom needs you! The University of East Anglia in Norwich, England, will give you Belgian chocolate for one year. The catch (and there’s always one) is that they will test you five times randomly for increased risk of heart disease.

Sign up soon: they’re only testing 150 women.

The McBournie Minute: Losing weight is tricky

It’s no secret that the average American is overweight. It is also no secret that Americans are obsessed with beauty, though not always their own. As summer is approaching, people left and right are trying to find ways to look good for the beach.

To do this, people try every diet under the sun. It seems every few months there is a new diet fad that comes out. All of a sudden, Americans flock to cut back on carbs, calories or what have you, while trying to eat what they enjoy. This is, of course, really stupid, because no one holds to a diet. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Losing weight is tricky

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Super Troopers’

Meow.The last of our Broken Lizard theme exploration concludes this week with what’s probably known as their most infamous escapade: Super Troopers. Dealing with the comedy troupe, we’ve seen some hits, and we’ve seen some misses. This is OK, as you simply can’t win them all. For those that have seen this movie, there’s no introduction needed. For those that haven’t, well, you might want to take a gander inside, just in case. Hit the jump to understand.

Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Super Troopers’

First new Late Show failure coming up

It happens every time the annointed King of Late Night announces his retirement: the courtiers battle for the not-yet-vacant throne.  This post isn’t about that: we already know that Conan will be the new Leno king … but that is another story.

No, this is about the scurry to fill the other late night slots once the hosts shift around.  For every Craig Ferguson, there is an ill-fated Magic Johnson or Chevy Chase.  They’re the virgin sacrifice to the Safe Comedy Gods, getting some TV time for a week or less, then slaughtered to ensure a solid ten years of unchallenging celebrity jokes.

The first sacrifice has been announced: Jimmy Fallon will most likely take over Conan’s Late Show.  May the Gods be sated with his blood.

You Missed It: Rhymes with ‘punt’ edition

Hey, Illinois, what’s shaking? Sorry, earthquake jokes are only a few shades better than flood/hurricane jokes. If you were in an area affected by a natural disaster this week, odds are you missed it.

Pennsylvania Primaries
Sen. Hillary Clinton gained a bit of momentum as she won the Pennsylvania Democratic primary election, defeating Sen. Barack Obama by more than ten percentage points. The Clinton camp and the news media were overjoyed by the news, while Obama and the rest of the U.S. groaned at the thought of having to go through with this crap for several more months.

Cindy McCain on ‘The View’
Wife of likely Republican presidential nominee Cindy McCain appeared on ABC’s “The View” Monday to dispel rumors that her husband, Sen. John McCain, has anger issues. She said voters should not be worried about an angry man in the White House with his finger on the trigger because he only uses the C-bomb on her when he has to.

‘Blade’ behind bars
Actor Wesley Snipes was convicted of not filing his taxes and sentenced to three years in prison. When reached for comment, Snipes said he regretted hiring Willie Nelson as his accountant.

Detectives acquitted
Three NYPD detectives were acquitted Friday of shooting a man outside of a strip club a few hours before his wedding. Over 50 bullets were fired by police. Finally, law enforcement officers have received a fair trial in the shooting death of an unarmed black man.

Alcoholism–bringing families together and being paid for it

Drinking with your own dad? Awkward. Drinking with someone else's? Not as much.Homer Simpson one gave a toast, claiming “To alcohol–the cause and solution for all of my problems.” Seemingly, the first part of that is normally true, as more often than not, how regularly do you hear of drunk drivers? Is it unusual to see that shirtless dude on COPS holding two or six empty beer bottles while having a dialogue with the local law enforcement? Do you enjoy hitting anything and everything after having a sip of the spirits?

Well guess what, alcohol is now fixing things! Case in point–a London man put out an ad asking for a jovial fellow to be paid to drink with his dad. The recipient of the job (a dream for many, including The Guys) gets paid for their time, plus expenses. Brilliant! The lucky gentleman to acquire the task actually turned out to be two lucky gentlemen … and Mike Hammond, the son in question, couldn’t be happier.

“Dad’s now going to be going down to the pub several times a week–three with his new friends and twice with me. I want to give him some of his old life back.”

Alcohol, fixing a family for every eight that it’s broken.

Bees unleash tornado technology in WoA

Which is scarier: bees or tornados?  How about both swirled into one giant vortex of honey-baked terror?

Bees attacked a Mexican restaurant in DeLand, Florida, using a formation described by witnesses as “a tornado pattern.”  As the bees expected, everyone panicked, running to their cars and presumably shrieking like wrestling Sheiks.

We thought we were winning the war on the bee front as they began disappearing from honey farms last summer.   It turns out they were in hiding, training in new and scary flight formations in secret terrorist training camps around the world.  It is also believed they have been selling their own honey to support their insidious global campaign.

If you buy honey, you’re helping the bees win.