How To: Eat a hot dog respectably
Posted on May 15, 2008
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As we get closer to summer, there is a threat looming on the horizon: barbeques. More specifically, we are referring to eating hot dogs in public. During the winter months, The Guys dine in solitude, devouring anything microwavable, safe from the prying eyes of people at parks.
But with the rapid approach of Memorial Day, our nation will be faced with a question that fills our hearts with dread: “Burger or dog?” Sure, the burger’s the safe choice, but sometimes they run out of burgers or the jerk wearing the “World’s Greatest Chef” apron only cooks them well done.
So, how do you eat a hot dog respectably without looking like Linda Lovelace? In other words, what separates how you eat a hot dog from a “not dog.” That’s the subject of this week’s How To. Read more
Written by Rick SneeWoA: Power struggle
Posted on May 15, 2008
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It has been said that whomever controls the skies controls the war. In the War on Animals, that would certainly be true, because our highly advanced passenger planes, cars and flyswatters can kill anything from birds to insects without remorse. That adage, however, does not apply to guerrilla (or gorilla) warfare.
First off: some good news and some bad news. The polar bear has just been added to the U.S. endangered species list. This is good because it means we are winning the fight but it also means it has just become a whole lot harder to kill these white devils. Coca-Cola could not be reached for comment.
And finally, The Guys don’t often make endorsements, especially of foreign powers, but we are here to say we support the King of Nepal. King Gyanendra (I, we assume) is almost out of options for keeping the throne. So what does he do? He turns to the Hindu goddess Kali (you remember her from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom) and sacrifices animals to gain her favor. A buffalo, a goat, a lamb, a duck and a rooster were sacrificed in what should be an example for every world leader.
Written by Bryan McBournieOne ant, two ant, fire ant, crazy ant
Posted on May 15, 2008
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Never before has the phrase “the enemy of my enemy is my friend” been more true to our great and noble race than now, fellow humans. Those horrid monsters, the fire ants, have plagued our land for far too long. With bites more fearsome than those belonging to a gnat, their stings even sting the nostrils! Fear not, though, as we now have a new ally … crazy ants?
Crazy rasberry ants (greatest name ever or GREATEST NAME EVER?) have begun swarming the Texas countryside.
“The good news? They eat fire ants, the stinging red terrors of Texas summers.”
The bad news? They live. And I’m not talking about the Rowdy Roddy Piper movie. Oh, and they also bite humans as well and strangely enough, electrical equipment. So, what can we do? We must eradicate all the wildlife. Remember people, it’s only a matter of time before the crazy ants eliminate the fire ants, move on from electrical equipment to nuclear facilities and become try to kill us. We’re in a war, people–it’s us or THEM!.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorI’ll show that ripe tomato some good manners!
Posted on May 15, 2008
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Spring is the time for the rebirth and renewal of hot women in skimpy clothes that you can holler at on the street. But could telling some chick you want to grab a hold of her sweet, sweet buttocks actually be considered bad manners? The Guys aren’t exactly sure. How else is she supposed to know that we would indeed like fries with that shake?
First Mexico, now England rattles anti-emo sabre
Posted on May 15, 2008
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England is waking up to realize a menace is upon them. “A sinister cult,” as The Daily Mail puts it, obsessed with self-harm and suicide. A threat that America has just about wedgied out of existence and that Mexico put to the lash.
We are speaking, of course, about emos.
Now, this article doesn’t guarantee action, but it is the first step towards British involvement:
- Point at someone and say, “Wot is this all about?”
- Remind that person that they are British: “Stand up now, Guvnah. You’re British.”
- If they are not, in fact, British, condemn them: “Now that’s downright bawmy. Away with you, you little bugger.”
- When words fail, fetch a “Constable” or perhaps “engage in some fisticuffs.”
The empire is just about poised to strike back … at sad little teenagers.
Written by Rick SneeSave the environment and turn heads
Posted on May 15, 2008
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All kinds of things can be done to be considered “green.” It can be as easy as recycling or taking mass transit to work. But ladies, you can now go green simply by wearing a different kind of undergarment.
Enter the solar powered bra. Ladies, get ready to use your fun bags to produce enough energy to charge a cell phone or an iPod. Of course, all this requires is that you go out in the sun in just your bra so that the solar cells can work. The Guys fully support this groundbreaking technology.
Written by Bryan McBournie