Day: May 21, 2008

Take it from Snee: Sexually-active workers need not apply

A couple of weeks ago, I addressed how woefully inaccurate my predictions turned out for 2008. I have two responses for that:

  1. Shut up. You try predicting the future. It’s really, really hard.
  2. My vision was tainted by proximity. Predicting 2008 was like trying to read with my nose against the page.

So that is why I am continuing my series of 2028 news predictions. In twenty years, my clairvoyance will be so recognized that Suri Cruise will beg to be the new me. (By then, Scientology will be the equivalent of today’s Mormons.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Sexually-active workers need not apply

Whiskey business

In the realm of at least you’ve got your priorities straight, these at-large criminals at least know what is important. A trailer that had been stolen from a Bojangles’ (yeah, you read it right) parking lot in early May has been discovered. However, the cargo, $150,000 worth of liquor, still remains to be found.

To demonstrate exactly what we’re looking at here, $150,000 equals the following:
-3,128.25 handles of Jack Daniel’s
-9,091 bottles of Pennsylvania Dutch Egg Nog
-12,195 handles of Aristocrat Vodka
-1 night with Bryan McBournie

Weed–it’s the new greenback

As funny as it is, this is real money. Marijuana is not this. It’s quite clearly the age old question (at least, apparently in New Zealand), passed down from one generation of yokel to another-can I pay with cannabis? No, you cannot pay with cannabis. Just because it’s green does not mean that it can be substituted for green legal tender.

Surprise, surprise, that apparently never stopped a guy at a service station in New Zealand from having that radical train of thought. Seemingly out of money, the lad decided to offer marijuana as payment for his gas fill-up … along with two bags of M&M’s and a bag of potato chips. Way to break the stereotype there, guy. Alas, he’ll never know if his hippy utopian world of trading sticky-icky for products and services will come to be, as he apparently never noticed the police car outside of the station, nor the driver of the police car right behind him in the paying line. Yet again, way to break the stereotype there, guy.

We’re at a high altitude with strong headwinds

A Pennsylvania pilot was recently arrested for an unauthorized nighttime takeoff in the woods with a flight attendant. After police ordered a heat seeking helicopter to find the two, Jeffrey Bradford was found hiding behind a shed wearing only his watch and a pair of flip flops.

“They told the officer they wanted to go do it in the woods, essentially.”

One jive turkey indeed

We’ve long overlooked the turkey in the War on Animals. We serve their legs at Renn Faires, grind them up for low-fat meatballs and even tease them with one Presidential pardon a year for Thanksgiving.

It is our complacency that has led turkeys to embrace terrorist tactics. Unable to fight with us directly, they have resorted to the first of what may be many suicide attacks on government buildings. In their first attack, one flew into the window of a Lubbock county courthouse.

If we can pardon them, then we can try them in military tribunals. We recommend bringing General Butterball — and possibly Colonel Sanders in the event of a chicken insurgency — to the Pentagon immediately.

Immigration turns dangerous in Florida

Let’s face it, Florida is a bad place to live. Between the danger posed by the local wildlife and threats of civil war, it’s just not worth hanging around the state. Georgia doesn’t even like being near it.

But now there’s another reason, as if one was needed, to be very, very afraid while within the Floridian borders: a python invasion. That’s right, Florida is being invaded by pythons, and not just any pythons, GIANT pythons. The worst part is that they may invade other southern states in a reverse of General Sherman’s March to the Sea.

The apologist media likes to believe that the python threat is the result of pets getting out or being released into the wild, then repopulating in an area not their native land. But we here know they are just the latest wave of illegal immigrants coming from South America.