Day: May 29, 2008

How To: Beat addiction

So, if you followed last week’s How To, you got your band back together. How’s it going? Oh, you say your big reunion tour’s over already? That’s OK, because every band goes through a couple of false starts before the big reunion (see: every Van Halen attempt to reunite with Diamond Dave).

But before that happens, it’s time to evaluate what went wrong. Just like any breakup, we’ll bet dollars to donuts that it failed for the same reason that led to your first breakup: addiction. Also, you should probably change your socks.

The Guys love you very much, but we hate to see you hurting yourself. That’s why we’ve written this intervention: how to beat addiction. Continue reading How To: Beat addiction

That’s not water in his gun …

Now that's just going to stain. But boy, is he ever happy to see you!

Many times in life, there are some people who are simply so crazy that they’re legends in their own rights; however, the Kikkoman Gunman, has gone above and beyond in the war against unsuspecting school girls.

Kenichi Ogawa, 22 years of age, was arrested on assault charges. Our new vigilante hero filled water-guns with soy sauce, and then got his squirt on to “blow off steam.” Creeeeepy.

Several high school girls in Maebashi had been attacked in similar incidents this month, so they’re looking into a possible connection (because clearly, there are so many regular incidents involving soy sauce being shot onto women in Japan-actually, on second thought … ). Authorities are accusing Ogawa of getting on his motorcycle and shooting a 17-year-old schoolgirl in the back with his sauce gun. The report says that the back of her uniform was left covered in soy sauce.

A hit and run involving soy sauce and water-guns. Never in my life would I have ever expected to live to see that. I think I’m touched by the story, and not in the “bad Uncle George” kind of way.

Prepare yourself … for morning terror!

Look, we’re sure you’re having a nice, run-of-the-mill morning, so we feel the need to warn you before just launching into this story. The last thing we want is to be responsible for countless asthma and heart attacks — and possibly some emergency pants-changes — around the world.

So, let’s take a deep breath … hold it … OK, and release.

One more time: deeeeeeeep breath … hold it … think of a warm spring meadow … and release.

Are you in your happy place? Good.

MONKEYS HAVE LEARNED TO CONTROL ROBOTS WITH THEIR MINDS! THE END IS NIGH! REPENT! REEEEEEEEEPEEEEEEEEEEEENT!

The Catholic Church locked in battle with zombies

Anyone who has ever been to Toledo, Spain knows that the city is littered with zombies, or as the locals call them “el zombieos.”

But after all this time, only now has the Catholic Church caught up on this danger to humanity. A parade featuring zombies, ghosts and other scary creatures has been deemed a blaspheme. The world media would have you believe that it was just some local actors parading down the street to mock the local celebration of Corpus Christi, a Catholic holiday, but we know better.

Sure, Reuters. Sure, it was just some actors dressed up and bent on offending the Church. That makes far more sense than the fact that it was a bold statement of power on the zombies’ part and only the pulpit sees fit to fight it, as it has so many other evils. Open your eyes!