Month: May 2008

You Missed It: Home movies edition

It’s getaway day right before Memorial Day weekend. Is anyone reading this? We cannot hear you, so we will just assume that you are indeed paying attention and move along with the feature. If you were out battling Soviet agents in an archaeological quest, odds are you missed it.

No-hitter in Beantown
On Monday, Boston Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester threw a no-hitter against the Kansas City Royals in front of a home crowd. It was catcher Jason Varitek’s fourth no-hitter, a new MLB record. Lester, 24, has now beaten cancer, won a World Series and pitched a no-hitter. Major League Baseball announced they will investigate him for use of illegal substances.

Kennedy diagnosed with a brain tumor
On Tuesday, Sen. Ted Kennedy was diagnosed with a brain tumor after having a seizure over the weekend. It was announced he will begin chemotherapy and other treatments very soon. Kennedy left the hospital in Massachusetts he had been staying at after doctors let him go. While much remains uncertain about Kennedy’s future, but doctors said the tumor should not affect his driving abilities.

R. Kelly in court, not closet
Jurors were ordered Tuesday to watch a 25-minute long tape allegedly showing R. Kelly involved in several sexual acts with a 13-year-old girl. After the tape was shown, the judge called for a 10-minute recess and everyone rushed to the bathrooms.

‘American Idol’ ends season
After a season of consistently low ratings, American Idol snagged 31.7 million viewers for its finale–a million more than this time last year. This season, David Cook took the honors with his singing talents that were better than the other guy’s. No, we didn’t watch it, either.

Schadenfreude: Sometimes it does taste like justice

Alright, it’s Friday. You think you don’t need a strong pick-me-up to start your favorite weekday. But is it 5 o’clock yet?

Yeah, didn’t think so. You still have to finish up the week’s drudgery while the kids off from school are already “warming up” the pool. (Don’t open your eyes underwater.) And you still need to fudge your time card before you sit in traffic with all of the other TGI-mother-Fers.

What you need is a steamy cup of all-natural Schadenfreude.

Jack Thompson, who you should be familiar with if you’ve ever read this blog or listened to a parent about video games, is in danger of being “found guilty on 27 of 31 counts of misconduct” by the Florida Supreme Court.

That’s right: Mr. Listen-to-me-because-I’m-a-lawyer may be demoted to crazy-angry-guy-on-talk-shows. He won’t be able to legally exploit the families of slain police officers because he can’t figure out the squares and circles on a Playstation controller.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Try hooting next time for better service

In recent weeks, SeriouslyGuys has taken on the concept of catcalling and how it affects the world. Apparently, so did New Zealand.

As a tourist was visiting an ATM while in the country, some local road workers began “wolf-whistling”, which is apparently the Zeke equivalent to catcalling. Angered and fed up with all the pressure of her life, not able to take any more crap that’s been thrown her way but prepared to fully take cold and ruthless justice into her own hands, the morose yet infuriated woman did the only thing that she could … and stripped. She then used the ATM, put her clothes back on and visited the local law enforcement.

She was, of course, spoken to about how that “was inappropriate in New Zealand.”

Life in a fish bowl

Folks, if there is one clear threat to humanity, it’s goldfish. We are not talking about the delicious cracker-like snack that poses the ever-present danger of choking to death. No, we are talking about the actual fish. Shockingly enough, these things are still legally sold in pet stores for just a ten cents.

To make matters worse, it is getting to the point where we cannot even use them for artistic expression anymore. According to DCist, around 100 goldfish were used in an art exhibit in Washington, DC. The city later shut down the exhibit, probably because the fish are a recognized threat to the many important people who live and work in the greater Washington area.

However, some species traitor realized that when the place was closed down, those “poor, defenseless” goldfish were still trapped inside with no one to feed them their tricolored flakes. The human-hater called the Humane Society (think the animal version of the mafia), which swooped in to save 20 of the monsters. We salute any artist expression that kills animals and challenge all those who stand in the way or winning the war. Humane Society–watch your back.

How To: Get your band back together

We all know how the story goes. Back in the day, man, you would not believe how hard you rocked. You could pack the house in every town you went to–even the ones with only one or two bars. And the groupies? Wow. The bus rides, the comradery with your bandmates, the thrill of hearing fans sing your songs back to you and of course the drugs and alcohol.

But then, something happened. Egos got inflated, solo projects were discussed. Everyone wanted to take the band in a different direction, losing sight of what it really was. It all tore the band apart. We know the story, that’s why The Guys are here to present you with how to get your band back together. Continue reading How To: Get your band back together

‘This isn’t Vietnam … there are rules’

As part of our ongoing coverage of “Summer is here” — which will continue until mid-October — there’s an element we’ve forgotten: driving around.

For our high school and college readers, this is the time that you and your peers are bored and will drive around, pretending that going nowhere is “something.” For the adults, this means you’re going to a lot of stores with wedding and baby registries.

Without fail on any of these excursions, an argument will arise about the rules to calling Shotgun and Rock-Paper-Scissors (or Roshambo to non-South Park viewers). We’d normally use this as an excuse to write a How To, but someone has beaten us to it and done so throughly.

We suggest sending this link to that friend that calls Shotgun during the planning stages of your Warped Tour trip in August.

Fun Fact:
“The history of calling ‘Shotgun’ goes back to the days of covered wagons and the Wild West. On a trip across the plains, the driver of a wagon would hold the reins of his horse team and concentrate on driving. This left him and the occupants of his wagon susceptible to sneak attacks from bandits and thieves. To avoid this atrocious circumstance it became necessary for one person to sit next to the driver with a shotgun and fend off the enemy.”

Shake, rattle and pose

Chinese officials shut down a local lifestyle magazine that published pictures of sexy models in their underwear … posing in the rubble of the earthquake that has killed over 40,000 people. Even a tentacle porn director was quoted as saying, “Dude, that’s just not right.”

Sorry guys. I have a feeling that the “Sexy Rubble Edition” issue just may never catch on.

Help fight the war by eating junk food

We all know the tastiest food comes from animals, in general, the cutest ones. But now, eating stuff that probably doesn’t have animal parts in it, stuff like cookies, can help rid the world of our animal foes.

You see, many junk foods and other useful products like hair conditioner use palm oil. There is such a demand for palm oil that entire sections of rain forests in Indonesia and Malaysia are being cleared out for palm oil plantations.

“Big deal,” you say. “How does this help me defeat the beasts?” Well, the rain forests they burn not only help fight the War on the Ozone Layer, but it destroys the habitat of many different animals, including the last wild habitat of the orangutan. Yes, wash your hair and eat some Girl Scout cookies and you can give an ape the fate it deserves: a long, slow death by starvation caused by lack of habitat and fear of dudes running around with machetes.

Take it from Snee: Sexually-active workers need not apply

A couple of weeks ago, I addressed how woefully inaccurate my predictions turned out for 2008. I have two responses for that:

  1. Shut up. You try predicting the future. It’s really, really hard.
  2. My vision was tainted by proximity. Predicting 2008 was like trying to read with my nose against the page.

So that is why I am continuing my series of 2028 news predictions. In twenty years, my clairvoyance will be so recognized that Suri Cruise will beg to be the new me. (By then, Scientology will be the equivalent of today’s Mormons.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Sexually-active workers need not apply

Whiskey business

In the realm of at least you’ve got your priorities straight, these at-large criminals at least know what is important. A trailer that had been stolen from a Bojangles’ (yeah, you read it right) parking lot in early May has been discovered. However, the cargo, $150,000 worth of liquor, still remains to be found.

To demonstrate exactly what we’re looking at here, $150,000 equals the following:
-3,128.25 handles of Jack Daniel’s
-9,091 bottles of Pennsylvania Dutch Egg Nog
-12,195 handles of Aristocrat Vodka
-1 night with Bryan McBournie