Day: June 10, 2008

Eat My Sports: Boston on parade

Disclaimer: If the Celtics end up losing this series, this is not my fault. I am not a Celtics fan, though I have been a huge Kevin Garnett fan through the years. If the C’s don’t wrap up their first championship in 21 years, you cannot blame me or this column.

Welcome to the NBA Finals! Two games in, two games from proving Kobe Bryant can’t win without Shaq. Aside from the one-sided foul situation (memo to the Lakers: you can’t get a foul called unless you’re attacking the rim, stop whining), Boston has demonstrated everything that is wrong with Los Angeles in eight short quarters. Simply put, there hasn’t been this much of a hype-to-letdown situation since Ang Lee’s putrid portrayal of The Hulk in 2003. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Boston on parade

McCain vows to ‘veto every single beer’

Sen. John McCain seems to be courting the Baptist vote again while turning against what people know him as. Earlier today, he told the National Small Business Summit that he would nix beer if he is elected president.

“I will use the veto as needed. I will veto every single beer–bill with earmarks,” McCain said.

Let us repeat that. John McCain is anti-alcohol.

Sure, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee played it off as a slip of the tongue, but we know what is really going on. He is getting farther and farther away from who he truly is, a hard-drinking, foul-mouthed sailor and prisoner of war that we all found so lovable in the 2000 primaries.

To be fair, McCain went on to talk about how he would only use the veto for stuff that came across his desk. One can take this to mean that he won’t let Congress buy him drinks because he’s not that kind of girl. But what happens if he doesn’t get elected? In what will he drown his sorrows?

Watch for the spin doctors trying to say he means he won’t drink on the job.

American gangs with cameras are serious business in Thailand

A much better gang member than Todd WilliamsJoke time: so, an American tourist is waving his camera (and hopefully, that’s all that he’s waving that belongs to him) in his hotel room when he gets a knock on the door. He opens the door and there’s a local cop. The cop asks him “Do you know what’s the capital of Thailand? No? You’re going to very soon. By the way, you’re under arrest.”

Now, what happens in Thailand really stays in Thailand—because if you try to film it for a porn movie, you are most assuredly going to jail (and you might be considered a “gang member” too, even if you’re probably the saddest excuse for a gang member ever.)

Fun fact:
The best thing about filming in the Valley, or for that matter, anywhere that’s not Thailand, is that your odds of ending up in a Southeast Asian prison are remarkably low.

Rest assured: OSU grads are on the case

NBC’s Brian Williams, who took yet more time off from not reporting real news, delivered a commencement address to Ohio State University in Columbus graduates. He used his podium time to give college students a job: fixing the United States.

Williams claimed that “there is nothing wrong with America that someone from Ohio State can’t fix.” He then laid out the main areas of focus: “energy, politics, diplomacy, science, education, military, transportation,” and climate.

Williams set them loose with a “Go get ’em, OH!” (The graduates, in fact, remained seated until their hangovers cleared up.)  At this very moment, all of these problems will now be addressed by countless OSU graduates with degrees in Communications, Marketing and Literature.

“Well, it gives me something to do while I look for a real job over the next year,” said Artie Muskegee, a graduating OSU Music Therapy student.

The war goes to vacation spots

Just in time to ruin your heat wave, the beasts are back at it again. This time they are trying to scare us off our beaches. No, they did not employ sharks this time. No, they changed up the formula.

They used a 6-foot crocodile instead.

The croc was swimming in the surf off the coast of South Carolina and was probably looking for prey. This blog can only guess as to why they sent the monster, perhaps they thought no one would react at the beach if someone yelled “Crocodile!”