Day: June 17, 2008

Eat My Sports: No legitimate Air

The past two months have brought about the best and worst about the NBA. A validation for Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen, Puff pieces about bit players like Sasha Vujacic and Glen Davis, non-stop promotion of 3 Doors Down by ABC ….

But my personal favorite storyline of the playoffs has been the comparisons of Kobe Bryant to Michael Jordan. Questions like: Is Kobe better? Who will be remembered as the greatest player? Will Bryant end up with more championships than Jordan? Is it worse to have a compulsive gambling problem, or have a tarnished image because of rape allegations? Continue reading Eat My Sports: No legitimate Air

Let’s not take any chances now

Evidentally, if one kid jumps off of a bridge, others will, too.

That’s the fear of residents in West Akon, Ohio since 1981. They have pushed the city council ever since to build a chainlink fence on the sides of the bridge ever since.

The chainlink fence, also known to area children as “the impentrable, unscalable wall that blocks access to all things awesome,” would have been built sooner, but was considered too expensive. However, this endless game of sporadic lemmings will draw to an end soon: they’re finally going to do it.

Unfortunately, their plan was for naught:

“Andrea Denton, with the Summit County Suicide Prevention Coalition, supports fencing for the bridge, but voiced concern about publicizing the issue.

“‘Our goal is preventing suicides,’ she said. ‘Often it is a momentary, impulsive decision to jump. That’s why it makes me nervous doing anything about the bridge. This could give some people an idea.'”

‘Are you lonesome, tonight? Are you smaller than a housecat?’

We all know that one guy. Y’know, the one that’s lonely, looks like he’s constantly moping, addicted to that godforsaken IRC channel and just can’t get the energy to even talk to someone of the gender that he’s attracted to. If he actually does manage to leave his bed, it’s never any fun, as he’s the truest form of the word “party-killer.”

Well mope no more, gentle soul that might become a serial killer! Japan, that ca-razy land of wackiness and schoolgirls is here to answer your prayers. The robot girlfriend that’s been joked about for years is now a reality! No more do you have to whine “why not me?” but instead, you get to say “oh yeah, ME,” with the simple push of a button, less than two Benjamins and some batteries.

There’s only one small catch. Sadly, it’s only useful for those in the 12- to 20-inch tall demographic. No, men that are quite literally 12 to 20 inches tall, as the robot is only 15 inches tall. Sorry Sploosh.

And now, your sad news of the day

Here at SeriouslyGuys, we like to bring the funny. After all, it just feels remarkably great to have a smile on your face. I mean, who can’t chuckle at the wacky antics of New Zealand or the crazy hi-jinx of strippers? How could you not enjoy a story about lesbians earning the right to their name or that Sandra Day O’Connor is working on a video game?

Unfortunately, we must also report the sad news as well, not necessarily because we’re journalists (I can guarantee that I’m not), but because it is the respectful thing to do. Now is one of those times. Visual effects master and cinematic legend, Stan Winston, passed away yesterday. The genius behind the practical effects (think what’s not CGI) behind Jurassic Park, Alien, Predator, Pumpkinhead, Terminator 2, Edward Scissorhands and The Thing (a personal favorite of mine) had been suffering from multiple myeloma, essentially a cancer of the plasma cell, for seven years. His talent and knowledge of the craft will sorely missed.

Unconvential weapons finally in use

The War on Animals is a total war, which means no one is safe. If you are an animal, regardless of how cute you are, we will hit you right in your breeding grounds. It also means we will use chemical warfare on you, because the Geneva Conventions do not apply to animals.

That’s why we’re hitting those we can’t really reach with chemicals like fire retardants. Yes, we are now attacking deep sea squid and octopi with chemical runoff from our shores. There is no telling yet what kind of effect our efforts will have on them and the rest of the cowards trying to hide from the war deep beneath the waves. We will fight them wherever we have to until the last one is dead.

Let’s just hope the chemicals don’t make these things colossal or super-intelligent.