Day: June 18, 2008

Take it from Snee: This just ain’t healthy

So I quit smoking. No, no — please hold your applause until the end.

I’ve always been a pretty healthy guy. I work out. I don’t eat a lot of sugar, salt or arsenic. I only drink on weekends, but I always use that time productively by getting really drunk and designated driving. I don’t always use a condom when I’m treating myself to a prostitute, but I always ask if they have any on them. (If they don’t, it means they’re clean.)

So, I guess it made sense to quit smoking. I mean, why would I otherwise put in all that other effort to stay healthy?

Ah, but then I did some reading. Despite this latest endeavor, I’m still not healthy. Continue reading Take it from Snee: This just ain’t healthy

This could get Americans interested

Apparently there’s some soccer thing going on in Europe right now. I would ask my Colombian roommate more about the “football” tourney he is watching so carefully, but it is just too hard to listen and not nod off. The only thing that can make soccer less exciting is when it’s women’s soccer. But the Europeans are taking a mud wrestling-style approach to the game right now.

The (unofficial?) Austrian and German women’s teams played in nothing but thongs yesterday, showcasing “das booben.” Austria won 10-5, a score which probably broke the scoreboard.

The Germans took defeat sportingly and joined their opponents for alcopops and dancing at a beach club alongside the Danube.

“I was supposed to hold the balls but I really have no idea how to do that,” said German keeper Jana Bach.

Wait, Reuters, is this a prank story?

Breaking News: Billy Ray chimes in on Cyrusgate!

The Guys have just received a very urgent report from the Cyrus household (via CNN):

When photographer Annie Leibovitz took pictures of 15-year-old Miley Cyrus for Vanity Fair, her father “wasn’t there at the time.”

“(Miley’s) publicist was there, and everyone seemed in control,” [Billy Ray] said. “I didn’t know they (were) gonna strip her down and wrap her with a blanket.”

Well, that settles things for this blog. Billy Ray responded quickly and responsibly after the photos nearly ruined his daughter’s life (jury’s still out on that one) over two months ago.

Who knows what other breaking news looms on the horizon?

  • An explanation from Lindsay Lohan that all her underwear was lost at the cleaners last year?
  • What’s happened in Iraq for the past year?
  • What’s happened in Afghanistan for the past seven?

Apparently, only a lot of time and moderate outrage will tell.

It can’t be reasoned with, it just keeps coming

Great news today: we are now employing Terminator-style tactics in the War on Animals. No, we are not traveling back in time to kill the animal ancestors and stop the leaders and their evolution (though that sounds like a great idea), no we are sending in a fish Terminator.

That’s right, we are sending in a robotic fish to infiltrate their camps, find out what they know and what they are planning, and hopefully kill them with whatever weapons happen to be available at the time. To be precise, we are sending in three of them. Why three? Because one would look suspicious. Not only will the “robofish” be able to listen to fish, but it will be able to talk to them, too. Who knew these things even communicated with each other?