Day: June 20, 2008

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky’

We continue our look at the wacky hi-jinx that is “Asian movies are fricking bonkers” with a look at a classic MCT. This is being done because you truly cannot speak about crazy Asian films without talking about one of the most infamous ones of them all. It’s inspired quite the legion of prison movies, superpowered chi movies and its fair share of weird trembling ogre movies. Oh, and it’s bloody. Oh dear lord, is this movie ever bloody. Enjoy!

In cinema history, there are some movies that make their audience treasure the life that they have, yielding smiles or tears. Some movies make us laugh. Others have been known to renew our faith in the indomitable spirit of humanity.

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky is the type of movie that makes the audience go “THAT WAS [CENSORED] INCREDIBLE!” and for good reason, too. If you’ve ever seen the old Daily Show where they show the loop of the head being smashed, you’ll know what to expect from this movie. For good martial arts, look elsewhere. For a good plot, look elsewhere. For some of the most outlandish gore around, step inside! Be prepared, as the movie being reviewed this week is not for the week of stomach.

Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky’

You Missed It: Join hands and sing edition

Following a tradition going on for at least 15 years, Thursday was once again followed by Friday. That means we have reached the end of the week once again. If you were busy getting booed by protesters in the U.K., odds are you missed it.

Oui are in control
French President Nicolas Sarkozy announced on Tuesday that France would take a command role in North Atlantic Treaty Organization for the first time in 40 years. France left the command position in the 1960s after policy disagreements with the U.S. The reintroduction of France to NATO command means that the allied countries now have another military option in their repertoire: immediate surrender.

Cease in the Middle East
Israeli and Palestinian forces began a six-month truce this week and guns fell silent for the first time since anyone can clearly remember. The truce has been hailed as a sign of progress with peace efforts in the Middle East. Both sides said they were inspired to agree to a truce after watching You Don’t Mess with the Zohan.

Wait, there aren’t any lakes in L.A.?
After a six games, the Boston Celtics defeated the Los Angeles Lakers to win the (NBA) World Championship. The final game of the series was a blow out, but nonetheless, the postgame interviews were priceless. The best of all was the interview with Kevin Garnett, who told ESPN’s Michelle Tafoya “Michelle, you look great tonight, girl,” in between incoherent answers, shouts into the air and admitting that he is indeed “certifiable.” We are now more afraid of Garnett more than we were of Ron Artest.

Finally, a superhero movie this summer
Will Smith’s latest effort, Hancock, premiered in London earlier this week, but it is not scheduled to be released into theaters until July 2. Not much is known about the plot from the commercials, but SG has learned it is a biopic about founding father John Hancock and is seen as a cinematic response to HBO’s mini-series John Adams. In the movie, Smith portrays Hancock as a black, homeless, drunk superhero who is jaded by society but has the power to sign his name in really large letters.

IM IN YOUR TOILET, KILLING ALL YOUR POOPS

Jaws was a landmark movie because it established a new precedent — just when you think you’re safe, you’re not. Beaches ran empty for weeks on end, simply because of a movie. A movie where even the director said the shark looked too fake to be believable. Welcome to the power of paranoia.

Australians, prepare to cower in fear as you’re now in a similar situation. A six foot long blackheaded python was found in a man’s toilet.

It’s safe to say two things:

  1. It’s pretty obvious exactly why the python was blackheaded.
  2. While we may not be able to communicate with animals (yet), I don’t think it’s unwise to say that just like aglets (those plastic things on the ends of shoelaces), its purpose was sinister.

Think about it: in this time of people being on the move, nowhere are we more open to disaster than when we sit on the can. Who knows what horrors could be wrought upon us while we ponder our deepest thoughts? The animals know, and they won’t hesitate to unleash them. Don’t let this happen to you all. Do what I do and carry a more than ample supply of brown paper lunch bags with you wherever you go.

You now have permission to freak out.

In Soviet Russia, cop goes for ride with you!

It’s the night beat. You’re tired, hungry, and for story purposes, we’ll say that you’re a night beat cop in Russia, so you’re also obviously quite cold. Your shift’s almost over, which is a relief; however, you spot it. You see him weaving around and you know what your duty is-pull over the drunk driver. This should be routine. This should be standard. This should be one last “oomph” on your otherwise easy going night. But it isn’t. What is it really?

Mr. Wino’s Wild Ride (which is totally unlike that former Disney World ride, sweartagawd).

A drunk driver that was pulled over in Russia proceeded to continue on driving after stopping. The only catch? The officer that pulled him over was clinging to the roof of the car. Neither coffee nor a cold shower could stop the driver. The only thing that cease his drunken shenanigans and save the life of the Russian police officer were eight rounds from the officer’s gun.

Which didn’t go into the driver at all. Now that’s a boozer.

Schadenfreude: International blend

Good morning! And what a morning it is: the dawning of yet another wonderful day!

Just think of the day you have ahead of you: showering, sitting in traffic, going to work, eating a lousy lunch with people you hate, sitting in more traffic, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen — all while trying not to beat your children! Goodness, but these are blessed times, aren’t they?

No, they aren’t. When your only relaxation is going to a gym to work out, you really hate the people that make it look so easy. People like, oh, Martha Stewart …

Well, guess who’s persona non gratis in the United Kingdom? Yep, Martha’s life was easy when she was given insider trading tips, but now she’s not allowed to visit investors and business partners in Merry Olde England.

And that, we think, is a good thing.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.