Take it from Snee: Street, street justice!
Posted on June 25, 2008
Filed Under Take it from Snee | Leave a Comment |
As a driver, I happen to know that I am the very best driver there is.
Don’t pretend it isn’t true. Fess up. You’ve got tickets. There was that little fender-bender a few years ago. And that was somebody’s grandmother you just flipped off.
I, however, have no such issues. My relatively few tickets and whoopsies (“accidents” are so formal) weren’t due to driver incompetence; they were because of booze. And we all know that alcoholism is a disease. You wouldn’t blame someone’s tumor for groping you in the elevator, right? Right.
But maintaining my flawless (sober) record is wearing my nerves out. I’ve raised the bar very slowly the past 10 years, dispelling the naysayers with commute after commute of form-perfect driving, but you other drivers refuse to follow my example.
Well, no more Mr. Nice Guy! You’ve caught me in between my annual Labor Day Weekend Mad Max Trilogy Parties*, so I’m itching for street justice! I won’t be sated until red lights are obeyed, blood is on the street or AMC runs those movies very, very soon.
Here’s how it’s gonna go down: Read more
Written by Rick SneeWar at home and abroad
Posted on June 25, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Tennis is not only one of the games you can play on a Wii, it is one of the most popular racket-based sports in Western culture (right after racket puck and racket futbol). But in England, one of the sport’s most hallowed events, Wimbledon, is under attack by pigeons.
Yes, pigeons like to land on the court during matches, but the Brits have a solution that we proudly endorse: shoot the bastards. That’s right, snipers will be employed at Wimbledon to take out pigeons before they can land or make one of their treacherous carpet bombs all over your shirt. If that does not work, we recommend calling in sportsman and proud warrior Randy Johnson.
Here at home, Americans are being attacked doing things we all do regularly. For example, checking the mail can even be dangerous. A New Hampshire woman received quite a shock when she found a non-poisonous corn snake in her mailbox. Worst of all, it did not have the required postage. We all know gerbils are sneaky, lethal pets ready to snap and maul the children. In Utah, a gerbil is being blamed for an accident when it escaped from its cage as its teen owner was transporting it in her car. Two people were sent to the hospital, the gerbil has yet to be charged.
Written by Bryan McBournieSave a bear, do not pass go
Posted on June 25, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
You know that phrase “No good deed goes unpunished?”
This is not that story.
You know that song “Save a horse, ride a cowboy?”
This is not that story.
What this story is about is the heartwarming tale of a lawbreaker and his quest to break local wildlife laws. What this story is about is the tale of a man who has put his daughter’s life in jeopardy by exposing her to a wild animal. What this story is about is the legend of a traitor to the human race. Rather than go ahead and finish the job that nature had intended (endangering the bear), he instead chose to feed it. Lot of good that did him, too.
We’re in a war, people. There’s no room for error.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorThose who can’t (get elected) …
Posted on June 25, 2008
Filed Under Scurry '08 | Leave a Comment |
Did you know Ralph Nader’s running again? We didn’t until today.
Mr. Nader kicked off his campaign with class by offering some advice to his whippersnapper opponent, Barack Obama on how to act black. He offered up the following list:
- Stop “talking white.” While it’s good to not threaten white voters … you need to threaten white voters. Think of our votes like they’re our wallets.
- Talk a lot about specific black problems. The problem is that you don’t understand black people like Ralph Nader does. You need to prove that by talking like Ralph Nader.
- Appeal to “white guilt.” You know who white people love? Their mothers. Pile the guilt on!
Elections are a tough business, Mr. Obama. It takes some people 30 campaigns to find the right one. You could still win this one, though. Win it the Nader way!
Written by Rick SneeSafe from Anglo-musician fascists
Posted on June 25, 2008
Filed Under Regular Post | Leave a Comment |
The U.S. immigration policy is doing exactly what it should be doing: keeping us safe from musicians. A few years ago, the man formerly known as Cat Stevens was denied entry into the U.S.. Now we are safe once again, because Boy George cannot come into the country.
Immigration authorities denied him a visa because of an upcoming false imprisonment trial, but they also said they really wanted to hurt him and they really wanted to see him cry. George could still make it into the country by altering his appearance — he is, after all, a karma-karma-karma-karma-karma chameleon.
We apologize for the excessive Boy George jokes.
Written by Bryan McBournie