Day: June 26, 2008

How To: Mourn a celebrity

Jesus, the Internet’s like a bad zombie movie these days. Just a couple of weeks ago, you were lucky if you caught “It’s Bad for Ya” on HBO, which was played as filler between John Adams marathons and Recount. But now that George Carlin’s dead, you can’t escape the c**ksucker.

(And the week before, it was Tim Russert. You know, the guy from the political news that wasn’t Chris Matthews.)

The Guys are running around the Internet, trying to find quality news for you readers, and there’s George, walking around in another eulogy. No matter how fast we run, he’s still there, right behind us.

But he doesn’t moan for “braaaaaaaains” or even “pussyyyyyyyy farrrrrrrts.” No, he sounds like Jerry Seinfeld, Stephen Colbert or some blogger. There’s George, but that isn’t George anymore.

So how do dead celebrities get around so much? Because everyone’s gotta take their turn to mourn and do it right, or their fans will jump out of the woodworks to call you “insensitive.” It’s this rabid attention to post-mortem detail that prompted us to write how to mourn a celebrity. Continue reading How To: Mourn a celebrity

We don’t serve minors–or the enemy

The War on Animals means our foes can attack us at any time, no matter how safe we feel. That goes for the warm and snuggly-safe feeling of your local bar.

Patrons of a bar in Australia found that one out recently when a juvenile saltwater crocodile walked into the bar. While it is uncertain if the croc wanted a pint or to wreak havoc, this blog is going to go with the latter. Odds are the animal population is getting desperate for attackers and is now using child soldiers to do their work for them.

Luckily, the croc was wrangled up and made to pose for pictures with drunk guys and their “mates.” Think something along the lines of Abu Graib for animals.

Good idea, bad idea-business edition

Good idea-operating a mobile brothel out of a rented limousine bus is a pretty brilliant idea. Your cash flow is always coming in and you’re almost always readily available to your clients and their needs. On the go marketing means that you’re seen in multiple areas, thus having heavy advertising for a fairly low cost

Bad idea-Parking the bus a block from the Miami Beach Police Department? Not quite as brilliant.

No more high scores for that reefer smoker

Here are SeriouslyGuys, we like to inform the general populace on how not to live your life, usually using examples found in society. Today will be no different, as an argument between a pothead and his live-in gamer buddy will educate us on how not to resolve our differences as these two do.

According to Seattle police, after one too many disagreeable bong-hitting sessions, the roommate who gets high only on life (and his gamerscore–and quite possibly crack, too) shattered said bong on the sidewalk. Bong-smasher was met the next day with a wet Xbox that “smelled like urine” and controllers that were partially glued to … something. No arrests have been made, though cries throughout the Internet have been made, all uttering distasteful comparisons to “Marijuana Jones and his mad HAX”.

A morning eye opener

A new survey most likely put out by people with Down’s syndrome found out a shocking “new” fact: teen drinkers are getting their alcohol from adults! Even worse, they are getting it for free.

This is shocking news, folks. How is this possible? Could it be that their parents have a pretty good stash in their liquor cabinet? Or maybe that anyone who can legally purchase alcohol in the first place is an adult. Come on, do these survey people think that teens get booze from other teens, or possibly even younger kids?

What this blog finds shocking is that the teens are getting schnockered for free. This must be stopped at once. We need to enstill in our nation’s youth the motivation and pride that comes from employment. We need to teach them that it is time to go out, get a part-time job, then come home and give us adults money so we can illegally buy them alcohol–with a tip, of course.

Coming home from work after a five-hour shift will show them the true importance of a drink, anyway.