Month: June 2008

We don’t serve minors–or the enemy

The War on Animals means our foes can attack us at any time, no matter how safe we feel. That goes for the warm and snuggly-safe feeling of your local bar.

Patrons of a bar in Australia found that one out recently when a juvenile saltwater crocodile walked into the bar. While it is uncertain if the croc wanted a pint or to wreak havoc, this blog is going to go with the latter. Odds are the animal population is getting desperate for attackers and is now using child soldiers to do their work for them.

Luckily, the croc was wrangled up and made to pose for pictures with drunk guys and their “mates.” Think something along the lines of Abu Graib for animals.

Good idea, bad idea-business edition

Good idea-operating a mobile brothel out of a rented limousine bus is a pretty brilliant idea. Your cash flow is always coming in and you’re almost always readily available to your clients and their needs. On the go marketing means that you’re seen in multiple areas, thus having heavy advertising for a fairly low cost

Bad idea-Parking the bus a block from the Miami Beach Police Department? Not quite as brilliant.

No more high scores for that reefer smoker

Here are SeriouslyGuys, we like to inform the general populace on how not to live your life, usually using examples found in society. Today will be no different, as an argument between a pothead and his live-in gamer buddy will educate us on how not to resolve our differences as these two do.

According to Seattle police, after one too many disagreeable bong-hitting sessions, the roommate who gets high only on life (and his gamerscore–and quite possibly crack, too) shattered said bong on the sidewalk. Bong-smasher was met the next day with a wet Xbox that “smelled like urine” and controllers that were partially glued to … something. No arrests have been made, though cries throughout the Internet have been made, all uttering distasteful comparisons to “Marijuana Jones and his mad HAX”.

A morning eye opener

A new survey most likely put out by people with Down’s syndrome found out a shocking “new” fact: teen drinkers are getting their alcohol from adults! Even worse, they are getting it for free.

This is shocking news, folks. How is this possible? Could it be that their parents have a pretty good stash in their liquor cabinet? Or maybe that anyone who can legally purchase alcohol in the first place is an adult. Come on, do these survey people think that teens get booze from other teens, or possibly even younger kids?

What this blog finds shocking is that the teens are getting schnockered for free. This must be stopped at once. We need to enstill in our nation’s youth the motivation and pride that comes from employment. We need to teach them that it is time to go out, get a part-time job, then come home and give us adults money so we can illegally buy them alcohol–with a tip, of course.

Coming home from work after a five-hour shift will show them the true importance of a drink, anyway.

Take it from Snee: Street, street justice!

As a driver, I happen to know that I am the very best driver there is.

Don’t pretend it isn’t true. Fess up. You’ve got tickets. There was that little fender-bender a few years ago. And that was somebody’s grandmother you just flipped off.

I, however, have no such issues. My relatively few tickets and whoopsies (“accidents” are so formal) weren’t due to driver incompetence; they were because of booze. And we all know that alcoholism is a disease. You wouldn’t blame someone’s tumor for groping you in the elevator, right? Right.

But maintaining my flawless (sober) record is wearing my nerves out. I’ve raised the bar very slowly the past 10 years, dispelling the naysayers with commute after commute of form-perfect driving, but you other drivers refuse to follow my example.

Well, no more Mr. Nice Guy! You’ve caught me in between my annual Labor Day Weekend Mad Max Trilogy Parties*, so I’m itching for street justice! I won’t be sated until red lights are obeyed, blood is on the street or AMC runs those movies very, very soon.

Here’s how it’s gonna go down: Continue reading Take it from Snee: Street, street justice!

War at home and abroad

Tennis is not only one of the games you can play on a Wii, it is one of the most popular racket-based sports in Western culture (right after racket puck and racket futbol). But in England, one of the sport’s most hallowed events, Wimbledon, is under attack by pigeons.

Yes, pigeons like to land on the court during matches, but the Brits have a solution that we proudly endorse: shoot the bastards. That’s right, snipers will be employed at Wimbledon to take out pigeons before they can land or make one of their treacherous carpet bombs all over your shirt. If that does not work, we recommend calling in sportsman and proud warrior Randy Johnson.

Here at home, Americans are being attacked doing things we all do regularly. For example, checking the mail can even be dangerous. A New Hampshire woman received quite a shock when she found a non-poisonous corn snake in her mailbox. Worst of all, it did not have the required postage. We all know gerbils are sneaky, lethal pets ready to snap and maul the children. In Utah, a gerbil is being blamed for an accident when it escaped from its cage as its teen owner was transporting it in her car. Two people were sent to the hospital, the gerbil has yet to be charged.

Save a bear, do not pass go

Kid tested, Stephen Colbert approved.You know that phrase “No good deed goes unpunished?”

This is not that story.

You know that song “Save a horse, ride a cowboy?”

This is not that story.

What this story is about is the heartwarming tale of a lawbreaker and his quest to break local wildlife laws. What this story is about is the tale of a man who has put his daughter’s life in jeopardy by exposing her to a wild animal. What this story is about is the legend of a traitor to the human race. Rather than go ahead and finish the job that nature had intended (endangering the bear), he instead chose to feed it. Lot of good that did him, too.

We’re in a war, people. There’s no room for error.

Those who can’t (get elected) …

Did you know Ralph Nader’s running again? We didn’t until today.

Mr. Nader kicked off his campaign with class by offering some advice to his whippersnapper opponent, Barack Obama on how to act black. He offered up the following list:

  • Stop “talking white.” While it’s good to not threaten white voters … you need to threaten white voters. Think of our votes like they’re our wallets.
  • Talk a lot about specific black problems. The problem is that you don’t understand black people like Ralph Nader does. You need to prove that by talking like Ralph Nader.
  • Appeal to “white guilt.” You know who white people love? Their mothers. Pile the guilt on!

Elections are a tough business, Mr. Obama. It takes some people 30 campaigns to find the right one. You could still win this one, though. Win it the Nader way!

Safe from Anglo-musician fascists

The U.S. immigration policy is doing exactly what it should be doing: keeping us safe from musicians. A few years ago, the man formerly known as Cat Stevens was denied entry into the U.S.. Now we are safe once again, because Boy George cannot come into the country.

Immigration authorities denied him a visa because of an upcoming false imprisonment trial, but they also said they really wanted to hurt him and they really wanted to see him cry. George could still make it into the country by altering his appearance — he is, after all, a karma-karma-karma-karma-karma chameleon.

We apologize for the excessive Boy George jokes.

Eat My Sports: Can it

On Monday, Boston Red Sox pitcher and resident blogger Curt Schilling went through possible career ending surgery on his shoulder. So, naturally the ensuing questions and articles over the past week have been about Schilling’s Hall of Fame credentials. This led to the ensuing thought of mine: what are HOF credentials? Are they like press credentials? Because I got a laminate once and was told that they were my “credentials.” So Curt, if all you get from the HOF is a laminated piece of paper, tell them where they can put it. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Can it