Month: June 2008

Creepy friend pop quiz: math problem edition

Quick, solve the problem: What do you get for the billionaire banker friend who has (and can afford) everything? For those that answered “news for this glorious and amazing website”, you, my friends, get a gold star. For everyone else that answered a naked picture of his wife constructed out of clippings from the Financial Times that mention his name, it’s after-school detention for you.

By the way, does this make what he’s done creepily kinky or extremely narcissistic?

Moussaieff said in an interview. “I have yet to meet someone who does not want a naked picture of their loved ones with text about themselves.’

And that question is officially solved.

There’s no better hero than an old person

While most people’s grandmothers are more than happy with their “#1 Granny” shirts and their weekly bingo nights, others are out there kicking all sorts of ninja buttholes.

Keiko Wakabayshi is 77 years old, 5 feet tall and a balls-out master in jujitsu, jojitso, kenjitso, judo, kendo and karate. Born in Japan but now living in Italy, the tiny handmaiden of death is loving her role as resident tooshie-kick-ologist for the Italian military. Good move Italian military! You wouldn’t want this feisty chick fighting against you. Now you can have fight your mortal enemy, the Lesbians.

Warrior of the Week: Kasey Edwards

Sometimes animals are so scary that we’re ready to give up and die after one bite.

Not so for Kasey Edwards, who was attacked by an 11-foot alligator while swimming in Lake Okeechobee, Florida. The “gator,” as the locals call it, chomped off his arm about “4 inches above the elbow.”

Did this faze Edwards? Not at all.

“It was a pretty humbling experience,” said Edwards, who was difficult to understand because his ginormous testicles kept getting in the way.

He stared down the “gator” for 10 seconds, and then gouged the scaly beast’s eye out with one of his remaining five fingers.

We salute you, Mr. Edwards. Not only did you kick an alligator’s ass, but you did it just like in the movies.

Update (6/27/2008):
For those just tuning in to this article, SeriouslyGuys has updated Mr. Edwards’ hero-status!

The undead hit America’s freezer

There are a lot of things that one can find fascinating about Alaska. Its pristine state makes it a popular tourist attraction these days. But it’s not just for the living.

It is with shock that this blog reports zombies took over Fairbanks, Alaska yesterday. While we are not sure where they came from, or why they chose Fairbanks (Anchorage is much nicer), but there they were, walking through town in one of the daringest displays we have seen yet from the undead.

“There will be snack time at the cemetery,” Tarah Sickels told the group of about 20 zombies, who proceeded to moan for brains and clamor slowly toward the Golden Heart Plaza.

The horror. The horror.

There’s always room for v-i-o-l-e-n-c-e

Girls fighting in kiddie pools full of gelatin is usually a sober, dignified affair, but one sore loser at a Cambridge University contest had to go and spoil the dignity of the occasion by punching out a few spectators. Hey, this is Cambridge jelly wrestling—show some respect! People, take it from a professional who knows how to carry himself with dignity regarding a hallowed event such a Jell-O wrestling, it’s just not worth it to fight over water and colored agar gel.

Now, pudding wrestling, I can understand fists and feet being thrown over a decision in that.

Justice, finally, for the disabled

Police in Queensland, Australia charged a 64-year-old disabled man for “drink driving” (isn’t the Queen’s English the cutest?) … his wheelchair.

He was found asleep in the middle of the highway with a BAC of .301, which is over six times the legal limit. Traffic was forced to swerve around him.

At news of this poor man’s capture, all this blog can say is finally. Handicapped people get everything, from premium parking to their own Olympics, and we are sick and tired of it.

Sure, it’s sad they can’t walk, but we can’t palm a basketball. Where’s our multi-million-dollar Special NBA contracts? We also can’t roll our tongues when speaking Español, but our speech impediment didn’t get us into any special schools. But we’re digressing.

Point is, it’s about time someone levelled the playing field for those of us who don’t get to sit down all day.

The McBournie Minute: Passing of a legend

By now, many of you have probably heard the sad news this morning that George Carlin died yesterday. I know you are thinking I should not care about celebrity deaths, but it would be a major faux pas on this blog’s part if there was not some mention or tribute paid to Carlin, though he himself would probably tell you he doesn’t deserve it–not because he was modest, but because he is made from the same diseased, festering piles of humanity that the rest of us are. Even so, when the someone like Carlin passes away, the comedic world is shaken to its core.

I remember when I saw him perform in Burlington, Vermont several years ago. Not being a big town, Carlin used the performance, as many comedians do, to try out new material and figure out what works. I was amazed at how this man, then in his late 60s, was so full of energy, almost to the point of hyperactivity. Here was a man I had grown to admire as I was exposed more and more to him in my high school days. My parents, who were sitting right next to me, had grown up listening to his edgy comedy. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Passing of a legend

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky’

We continue our look at the wacky hi-jinx that is “Asian movies are fricking bonkers” with a look at a classic MCT. This is being done because you truly cannot speak about crazy Asian films without talking about one of the most infamous ones of them all. It’s inspired quite the legion of prison movies, superpowered chi movies and its fair share of weird trembling ogre movies. Oh, and it’s bloody. Oh dear lord, is this movie ever bloody. Enjoy!

In cinema history, there are some movies that make their audience treasure the life that they have, yielding smiles or tears. Some movies make us laugh. Others have been known to renew our faith in the indomitable spirit of humanity.

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky is the type of movie that makes the audience go “THAT WAS [CENSORED] INCREDIBLE!” and for good reason, too. If you’ve ever seen the old Daily Show where they show the loop of the head being smashed, you’ll know what to expect from this movie. For good martial arts, look elsewhere. For a good plot, look elsewhere. For some of the most outlandish gore around, step inside! Be prepared, as the movie being reviewed this week is not for the week of stomach.

Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky’

You Missed It: Join hands and sing edition

Following a tradition going on for at least 15 years, Thursday was once again followed by Friday. That means we have reached the end of the week once again. If you were busy getting booed by protesters in the U.K., odds are you missed it.

Oui are in control
French President Nicolas Sarkozy announced on Tuesday that France would take a command role in North Atlantic Treaty Organization for the first time in 40 years. France left the command position in the 1960s after policy disagreements with the U.S. The reintroduction of France to NATO command means that the allied countries now have another military option in their repertoire: immediate surrender.

Cease in the Middle East
Israeli and Palestinian forces began a six-month truce this week and guns fell silent for the first time since anyone can clearly remember. The truce has been hailed as a sign of progress with peace efforts in the Middle East. Both sides said they were inspired to agree to a truce after watching You Don’t Mess with the Zohan.

Wait, there aren’t any lakes in L.A.?
After a six games, the Boston Celtics defeated the Los Angeles Lakers to win the (NBA) World Championship. The final game of the series was a blow out, but nonetheless, the postgame interviews were priceless. The best of all was the interview with Kevin Garnett, who told ESPN’s Michelle Tafoya “Michelle, you look great tonight, girl,” in between incoherent answers, shouts into the air and admitting that he is indeed “certifiable.” We are now more afraid of Garnett more than we were of Ron Artest.

Finally, a superhero movie this summer
Will Smith’s latest effort, Hancock, premiered in London earlier this week, but it is not scheduled to be released into theaters until July 2. Not much is known about the plot from the commercials, but SG has learned it is a biopic about founding father John Hancock and is seen as a cinematic response to HBO’s mini-series John Adams. In the movie, Smith portrays Hancock as a black, homeless, drunk superhero who is jaded by society but has the power to sign his name in really large letters.

IM IN YOUR TOILET, KILLING ALL YOUR POOPS

Jaws was a landmark movie because it established a new precedent — just when you think you’re safe, you’re not. Beaches ran empty for weeks on end, simply because of a movie. A movie where even the director said the shark looked too fake to be believable. Welcome to the power of paranoia.

Australians, prepare to cower in fear as you’re now in a similar situation. A six foot long blackheaded python was found in a man’s toilet.

It’s safe to say two things:

  1. It’s pretty obvious exactly why the python was blackheaded.
  2. While we may not be able to communicate with animals (yet), I don’t think it’s unwise to say that just like aglets (those plastic things on the ends of shoelaces), its purpose was sinister.

Think about it: in this time of people being on the move, nowhere are we more open to disaster than when we sit on the can. Who knows what horrors could be wrought upon us while we ponder our deepest thoughts? The animals know, and they won’t hesitate to unleash them. Don’t let this happen to you all. Do what I do and carry a more than ample supply of brown paper lunch bags with you wherever you go.

You now have permission to freak out.