Month: July 2008

How To: Use a condom

So a certain SeriouslyMom found a condom tied around the door handle of her car in the parking lot of Target in Huntsville, Alabama. It was not a used rubber (which would make it an official scum bag), but just an unpackaged and unfurled lubricated windsock.

Perplexed by this happenstance, she consulted with the most qualified behavioral experts she knew: The Guys. After ruling out gang activity, satanic worship and swim team hazing, we determined it to be a, well, crime we guess of ignorance.

You see, Alabama is a red state. Even the clay here is red (and goopy). While the stores obviously sell condoms, teenagers aren’t taught how to use them, so the items are a bit of a mystery to them. (“Why are those balloons behind the counter?”)

With this in mind, we are taking a little time out of our busy “gettin’ busy” schedules to teach them, and anyone else living in 1958, how to use a condom. Continue reading How To: Use a condom

Would you like to God-size that?

In an effort apparently to cut down on food costs and American obesity, Cathedral of Faith Church of God in Christ (yikes, that’s a mouthful) is offering drive-through prayers. And you thought your church was weird.

Rev. Chris Martin (not of Coldplay) said that the best thing about their project was taking the church “to the streets.” That’s right folks, Cathedral of Faith Church of God in Christ is the Thug Life of the Christian community.

Even we could have told him this was a bad idea

The corpse of Father Adelir Antonio de Carli was found off the shore of Macea. Now, we’re sure the questions as to why there is a body of a priest just floating around the Atlantic. Carli, in a “what the hell are you thinking?” moment, decided that a good fundraiser would be to attach himself to hundreds of helium balloons in order to fly across the sea. What ever happened to the days of a good, old-fashioned telathon?

Take it from Snee: Discovery jumped the shark

As you’ve probably noticed, I’m a pretty smart guy. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that I’m downright intelligent. I eat right, I read the same three books a lot, and I only watch educational programming on television.

So what did I see when I turned on the Discovery Channel this weekend? Sharks. Nothing but sharks. Swimming killing machines as far as the TV Guide channel would scroll.

Even when a shark program wasn’t on, there were shark-themed advertisements, including plugs for their own “Shark Week” episodes of all their regular shows. Every show involves sharks now, even non-shark shows like Dirty Jobs. (Guess what they catch on this week’s Deadliest Catch? Hint: it’s actually deadly this time.)

It was with this marketing stretch that I realized something disturbing: the Discovery Channel has jumped the shark! Continue reading Take it from Snee: Discovery jumped the shark

Cat got your tongue, steak, chicken and whatever else you have to eat

Cats: they’re free-loading furballs who cough up messes on your carpet and consider licking themselves an actual form of bathing. They are of the same family as tigers and lions, some of the most vicious man-eaters of our time.

Now we have Princess Chunk, a 44-pound snow white cat from New Jersey. We know what you’re thinking, only in Jersey could there be a near 50-pound heffer of a feline. Princess Chunk was found by a local animal shelter wandering the streets, perhaps looking for her next meal. We can only speculate that Chunk is done with cat food and is migrating towards humans, the beast must be stopped!

Support your troops

If there could be medals handed out for the War on Animals, Jamison Stone would receive a Purple Heart for his job well done in capping a 1,000-pound hog. Front line soldiers are always the bravest. Stone has not been truly appreciated for his efforts in ridding the town of 9-foot-long freakish monster. In the year plus since dedicating himself to the SG War on Animals, 800 signatures have been gathered online petitioning for the boy to be prosecuted.

Send your e-mails to any of the Guys to protest this protest.

We’ll take “Potent Potables” or “Pregnant Prostitution”

It’s been a busy week for us here trying to keep up with all the stripper/hooker related news, but this one takes the baby cake. It’s the mother of all hooker stories. It’s so good you’ll slap your mama. Mama said knock you out, I’m gonna knock you out. Alright, finished with the puns.

If you ever wanted some baby booty, look no further than Missouri where cops busted a pregnant prostitution ring. The arrests have led to the debate that if they are pregant, are they still considered milfs?

Cocaine: no longer the new jet fuel

With gas prices hovering around $4.00 a gallon, we understand that the pinch at the pump might be tighter than 50 Cent (or as we know him as, half a dollar) and Kanye West dropping an album on the same day (bazing). Some money saving adjustments have been offered, like carpooling, taking the bus, re-enslaving those free-loading dogs and cats and making them drag a sled to work.

This genius though decided that stealing jet fuel would be the sensible alternative. We would like to commend him for originality if Peter Griffin had not achieved this first, hehehehehehehehehe.