Day: July 2, 2008

Take it from Snee: Online personals decoded

They’re lurking in the corner of every Web site that congratulates you on your politics, art tastes and sense of humor: personal ads. They’re usually in a sidebar, with a close-up headshot on someone (the better to hide your fat with) and a clever quote, like “Environmentalism is sexy, originality is sexier.”

When did Web mags like Salon or The Onion become meatmarkets? I submit they always have, at least in the comments sections. Likeminded individuals textually fellate the authors, the posters that agree with them and themselves for being so gosh-golly smart to the point that my monitor looks like a used bench press.

So with the click of the ad, you, too, can meet someone who finds Jimmy Fallon unfunny, yet physically likeable. Unfortunately, 300,000 users can’t all date Mel_Odius, so you’re gonna have to sort through a lot of cryptic loser profiles. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Online personals decoded

Remember: aim for the head

Folks, there is a lot at stake in this November’s election. But somehow the stakes just got higher. This election, has now heard from another demographic, but this time one that we should fear. We’ll let the headline speak for itself:

Dead veterans happy to rock again for Obama

Yes, zombies seem to have endorsed Sen. Barack Obama. Worst of all, these zombies seem to have military training and musical prowess. This is the worst kind of zombie. It is a bigger threat than simply running for office, stealing money from us or acting, they are trained to kill and much worse, jam for 20 minutes on the same song. Citizens, we need to hunt down the undead now!

Dutch Government: ‘Get your tobacco out of our weed!’

Slowly but surely in the Netherlands, smoking of tobacco in public has been made illegal. And not just public public, but the inside kind of public too. So, faithful Dutch reader of our site, what does this mean for you? It means that the next time you get coffee and a crumpet at one of your more infamous coffee shops, your late morning joint will need to be tobacco-less. BUG-WAH?!!?

The Dutch Government hasn’t exactly been known for well thought out plans, it would seem. Could this spell the end of the “cafes”? Well, not totally, but it’s not going to be anything but bad for business, that’s for sure. Sounds like the government is like a restaurant in my town (Famous Anthony’s in Southwest Plaza, Roanoke, VA) that refuses to install a credit card machine for payment purposes-are you just diametrically opposed to making money?

Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you the new, more sensitive, more politically correct “WORLD”.

Great Ledger’s ghost!*

The ghost of Heath Ledger still refuses to move on.

While alive, he lingered around, making us watch horrible movies like 10 Things I Hate About You with our girlfriends (or A Knight’s Tale with our boyfriends).

In death, he haunted the Internet through creepy necrophiliac fans. Then he nightstalked his ex-girlfriend. (Sorry, Heath. If marriage ends at death, then dating ends at the pill coma.)

Now, he’s angling for a Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for his performance as ICP in The Dark Knight. Look, it’s bad enough that Hollywood is dangling his reanimated corpse in front of us this summer, but rewarding zombie labor? They’re stealing our jobs (and accolades)!

*Bonus Headline:

Where the honey flows

We spoke of a jail break in Amsterdam yesterday. It seems we have a The Fugitive-esque situation in Canada. A truck transporting 12 million bees overturned on a highway in New Brunswick, allowing the inmates to escape–and they were probably not in a very good mood.

Local law enforcement, according to the headline “captured” most of the bees before they could get very far. Sadly, police could not stop the madness before there were victims.

“In an unfortunate incident a journalist who was trying to get some bee noises on her microphone suffered a dozen or more stings. All in the name of journalism I guess, but it’s best to stay away from that area. Twelve million bees can do a lot of damage.”

Edward R. Murrow would be proud of this war reporting.