Take it from Snee: Online personals decoded

Posted on July 2, 2008
Filed Under Take it from Snee | |

They’re lurking in the corner of every Web site that congratulates you on your politics, art tastes and sense of humor: personal ads. They’re usually in a sidebar, with a close-up headshot on someone (the better to hide your fat with) and a clever quote, like “Environmentalism is sexy, originality is sexier.”

When did Web mags like Salon or The Onion become meatmarkets? I submit they always have, at least in the comments sections. Likeminded individuals textually fellate the authors, the posters that agree with them and themselves for being so gosh-golly smart to the point that my monitor looks like a used bench press.

So with the click of the ad, you, too, can meet someone who finds Jimmy Fallon unfunny, yet physically likeable. Unfortunately, 300,000 users can’t all date Mel_Odius, so you’re gonna have to sort through a lot of cryptic loser profiles.

shoppnbags	Why you should get to know me: “I am a sucker for watching Full House and Saved by the Bell.” Translation: “I have a horrible job (or am unemployed), which enables me to watch “ironic” daytime television. However, I love shopping, so I will continue to mooch off my parents until you marry me.”

SayAnythng23	Why you should get to know me: “I’m a real catch. I’m a hopeless romantic.” Translation: “I’m dating online because all those bitches in my town filed restraining orders against me. Those prickteases wouldn’t know a good guy if he shot her face!”

numbah1	Why you should get to know me: “Everyone should have a chance to be with someone great.” Translation: “But enough about what you need; let’s talk about me some more.”

packersFan19	More about what I am looking for: “You don’t mind comfortable silences, but can also sit there and talk for hours.” Translation: “I expect you to only talk when it’s about something I’m interested in. Otherwise, you keep your whore mouth shut.”

whirlled_travelr	If I could be anywhere at the moment: “At the club dancing to some really German industrial song.” Translation: “Please ask me about my trip(s) to Germany.”

Dcrosby1978	In my bedroom, you’ll find: “Dog hair all over the goddamned floor.” Translation: “Aren’t dogs just like people? I swear mine smiles whenever I talk to him. He also does the cutest things. Like this one time, I had been going through a rough patch at work, so I was staying up late at night with insomnia. So, the only things to watch that late are infomercials and old horror movies. Well, Hector (that’s my dog) sees me watching the old Wolfman movie. He hops on the couch, and goes “woof.” Oh my god, isn’t that amazing? He was really trying to say “wolf.” You know, dogs are very closely related to wolves. I wonder if Hector dreams about being a wolf. You know dogs dream, right? You can tell because they kick their legs a little when they sleep. Come to think of it, he even says a little “woof woof” when he’s “chasing bunnies!” Yep, just like people. So, how much do you love dogs?”

NKOTB_BK	More about what I am looking for: “Tom Cruise might be nice.” Translation: “I haven’t watched the news, read a magazine or talked to another human being since 1997.”

animechica1	Best or worst lie I’ve ever told: “I once told a really hot waiter that I was a twenty five year old law student.” Translation: “It’s funny if you go to jail because of me.”

somethingclever	Last great book I read: “Reading The Torture Garden and T.S. Eliot. Um. Naked Lunch. Damn fine novel, that.” Translation: “This namedropping and more can be all yours, and only a click away!”

gooey_kablooie	Why you should get to know me: “I frequently get referred to as ‘amazing.’ I think I need someone to substantiate that claim.” Translation: “My gay best friend is too busy with his new boyfriend to pander to me. Please tell me I’m amazing.”

audreyhepburn	If I could be anywhere at the moment: “Paris in the 1920s.” Translation: All of my college history books still make that cracking sound when opened.

niceguyluvr	More about who I’m looking for: “Someone without a destructive personality who likes to do healthy things, but can also relax.” Translation: “What’s a nice way of saying, ‘Don’t be like my ex who duct-taped my hands and mouth, locked me in the trunk of a Ford Escort and drove it over a bridge?’ Come to think of it, that was pretty exciting …”

Becca98792984	Why you should get to know me: “I’m an ideal traveler: no heavy emotional baggage and I’m always interested in the journey.” Translation: “Hope you love metaphors, because I’ve got a million of ‘em! (Not really a million of them. That’s hyperbole. I got plenty of those, too!)”

RMS_Titanic	About me: “I can be quite goofy and have a tendency to make silly jokes, sometimes intellectual and sometimes just plain moronic.” Translation: “Did you read my blog today? I wrote a pretty good post today. Here, it’s loaded on my computer. Tell me what you think. … “Oh, that’s OK. Stay there; I’ll read it to you.”

normlgrrl	In my bedroom you’ll find: “Everything! Including a ziploc bag of small marshmallows that I’ve recently developed a craving for.” Translation: “My pack rat habit, poor hygiene and aversion to cleaning have made my apartment uninhabitable. Can I crash at your place?”

isnotmydog	Fill in the blanks: “Being culturally aware is sexy; speaking a second language is sexier.” Translation: “Before you may date me, you must identify the Peter Seller’s quote in my screen name. Also, you must be at least as smart as me (bilingual), but not smarter than me (culturally aware).”

fluffypillars	More about what I am looking for: “Someone who knows how to have fun and be serious when need be.” Translation: “Do you have a pulse? Me toooooooo!“

whattaguy08	The five items I can’t live without: “Heart, integrity, food in my stomach, a smile, and honesty.” Translation: “You know that sandwich isn’t gonna make itself, right?”

puck007	More about who I’m looking for: “Someone who knows how to have fun with me. Someone who I can laugh with.” Translation: “I’m totally into clowns.”

christin_luvs_sublime	Why you should get to know me: “Because I am a lot more of a person than you would think.” Translation: “I get dumped a lot because people think I’m shallow. Well, let me tell you something you wouldn’t expect from a pretty person: I luv Sublime.”

NFG4urdreams	If I could be anywhere at the moment: “In my bed. Or at a concert.” Translation: “I have substituted my personality with fandom. Also, if you can name a song by the band on my t-shirt, I’ll suck your d–”

paolofromspain	Most humbling moment: “Spilling an ice tea on myself and having to walk through the airport with soaked pants!” Translation: “In a crowded airport full of thousands of people, all trying to get to their connecting flights and find someplace to smoke, I’m convinced everyone is paying attention to me.”