Eat My Sports: You can’t spell ‘trade bust’ without CC Sabathia
Posted on July 8, 2008
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Have any of you ever watched LOST? If you have, you know that each season has it’s bust episode. The one where the previous week had a preview that looked so good that you actually thought you had a reason to believe SOMETHING might be explained. Or, at least have the juiciest episode of the season (i.e. the possibility of Claire and Kate making out). Then, you watch the episode, and nothing. No island explanation, no Claire and Kate making out, no awkward man hugs between Sawyer and Jack, nothing. Why? because there was no substance to it and everything you thought was going to be going into the episode ended up being nothing more than commercial filler. Welcome to the CC “Music Factory” Sabathia trade to the Milwaukee Brewers! Read more
Written by Bryan SchoolsCrisis of faith in Carolina
Posted on July 8, 2008
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Well, Florida’s plans of a Christian license plate didn’t go too well. (Something about a church and state separation thing.) Next up: South Carolina, where the U.S. Constitution has been interpreted selectively since 1788.
Yes, South Carolina drivers could soon be expressing their faith through “I Believe” license plates. Because Christians cannot express their faith through, you know, magnetic fish.
Here are some other “I Believe” license plates we are sure to see:
- “I Believe In A Thing Called Love” Available to members of The Darkness only.
- “I Want To Believe” For X-Files fans, especially for this summer’s release.
- “Yo Believo” For owners of Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again.
- And to capitalize on the popularity of Grey’s Anatomy:
“I believe in the good. I believe that it’s been a hell of a year. And I believe, in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, we will all be OK. I believe a lot of things. I believe that Denny is always with me. And I believe that if I eat a tub of butter, and no one sees me, the calories don’t count. And I believe that surgeons who prefer staples over stitches are just lazy. I believe you are a man who made a terrible mistake by marrying Callie. And I believe that because you’re my best friend, I can tell you this and we can be OK. I believe even though you made this mistake, you will be OK, I believe we survive, George. I believe that believing we survive is what makes us survive.”
McCain: Money doesn’t grow on trees, etc.
Posted on July 8, 2008
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Nation, we’re a country with no thrift. You see it every-dang-day as we spend hard-earned money on whatsits, like iPods and corned beef. (What’s wrong with regular-old cornless beef?)
It’s at this time that we need something — or rather someone — to kick us in the butt and nip this egregious spending spree in the bud. That something — or someone – is John McCain.
As a proud papa, McCain pledges the following in his plan to balance the budget by 2013:
- Turn off that light. Are you still in the bathroom? No? Then turn it off.
- Close the G.D. refrigerator door. We’re not refrigerating the entire world. Besides, you’re getting kind of fat, anyway.
- Take care of your shoes. You don’t need new boots. Do you know when John bought his? 1946. You know how they’ve lasted so long? He polishes them and gets them resoled.
- No unnecessary travel. Wait, we spent how much to send you to Iraq? And now you want to come back after only five years? John doesn’t think so. Traveling home costs money — money we don’t have.
To boldy go where no one … or a lot … have gone before
Posted on July 8, 2008
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A private Japanese company has announced that they will host weddings in space for the tidy sum of $2.3 million (just as soon as they figure out that whole “getting homemade rockets into space and not blowing up prematurely” thing.) You know what that means? Your newlywed other half now becomes the “final frontier”! Makes that time you eloped to Vegas look pretty silly, doesn’t it?
Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor‘Ya’ll leave that critter’s arm ‘lone now, ya hear?’
Posted on July 8, 2008
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The 13th Annual Redneck Games just got a lot more intense. No, we’re talking about the Chew Spit-off, but the latest game to join in a series of ridiculous themed ones at the Redneck Games–this year’s first annual Pull the Arm Off the Kid.
No, really.
You see, all kids tend to do a little “wrasslin’” and “foolhardiness” every now and then. It’s not unusual for kids to be a little bruised up. After all, kids will be kids. It’s also not unusual for children to want to be down by the “swimming hole”, “crick” or “river” when it gets warm, especially in these rather recent warm days of the summer. What is unusual is to attempt to swing out of a tree on a rope. I mean, Tarzan’s been out of style, since, what, the early 70s? Nonetheless, the child miscalculated his decision and jumped out of the tree with the rope right around his arm, essentially tearing through said arm. As to be expected, no one was watching the children.
With this bit of news, I guess the games will finally be able to change their old slogan of “Come for the warm beer and incest, stay for the games.”
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorPrince Charles: Big fan of How To series
Posted on July 8, 2008
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Are you tired of rising gas prices? If you’re already following our tips but still just barely getting by, maybe it’s time to take advice from across the pond. Why not convert your car to run on wine (sort of what we had said)?
Prince Charles converted a car (probably not by himself) to run on biofuel made from excess wine. This makes sense for him, because he has never had to worry about money in his life, and probably has wine left over from all of the parties he and his sons throw.
The only side effect is that the exhaust turns pedestrians’ teeth purple.
Written by Bryan McBournie