Take it from Snee: Can’t wait for that Depression!
Posted on July 9, 2008
Filed Under Take it from Snee | Leave a Comment |
A few months ago, we asked you to do something. Don’t remember? Starbucks was in trouble and you were supposed to help save them. We don’t ask you for much, but the one time we do, you let them fall deeper in debt and close 600 locations.
So, here we are, America. With talks of foreclosures, unemployment and gas shortages, we are verging closer and closer to a Recession, which is just a nice way of saying Depression. (Before “Depression,” they were called “Panics.” Eventually, we’ll call it a “Bother.”)
You’re probably thinking to yourself, “No big deal. My parents are loaded. I’ll just kill them.” Unfortunately, your money is only part of the problem. If we enter another Depression, all the money in the world won’t buy any of the following necessities. Read more
Written by Rick SneeAround the clock block
Posted on July 9, 2008
Filed Under Booze News, That Wacky New Zealand | Leave a Comment |
New Zealand, we had so much respect for you. Your crazy culture, your ability to name yourself “New Zealand,” when nobody really knows or cares where the original Zealand is. Then you had to go and try and take your country’s around the clock drinking law away, for shame.
Written by Bryan SchoolsConnecticut official narcs on most awesome game ever, dude
Posted on July 9, 2008
Filed Under Booze News | 1 Comment |
Are you a minor that needs to learn how to be cool? Are you a floozy on summer break who misses the stale beer stench of a dark frat house basement? Is beer pong just a little too real for you? We have the solution!
It’s “Frat Party Games: Beer Pong” for the Nintendo Wii!
But wait, Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal is here to totally break up your party, brah. He is making JV Games Vice President Jag Jaeger (yes, Jaeger) un-pop his collar and change the name to “Pong Toss,” because an alcohol-themed game available to teens is “inappropriate.”
How else are they going to learn the rules of the game?
Blumenthal also put JV Games on double-secret probation.
Written by Bryan McBournieThat’s a lot of next-of-kin
Posted on July 9, 2008
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Imprisoned Fundamentalist Later Day Saints leader Warren Jeffs has been hospitalized for undisclosed reasons. Since we are a respected media establishment, we can only assume that his affliction is deadly and somewhat humiliating. (Flesh-eating anal warts?)
The real issue is who determines his fate should he enter a vegetative state. The current theory is that all of his wives will each vote, with Jesus himself casting a tiebreaker vote if necessary.
Written by Rick SneeIt’s like Chicken Soup for the future divorcee’s soul
Posted on July 9, 2008
Filed Under Stripper News | Leave a Comment |
Everyone loves celebrity divorces, even the ones involving sports celebrities. Boston just got a new reason to like the current A-Rod debacle: a new player emerged in the story. Boston’s most valuable player is not a member of the Red Sox. It’s not even a he. No, on this day, Boston’s MVP is more like an MVS-Most Valuable Stripper.
A former in stripper in Boston claims that she single-handedly changed the face of baseball history—by bonking (married) New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez in his hotel room during the 2004 American League Championship Series, thus causing his team to collapse in a historically unprecedented fashion against their arch nemesis Boston Red Sox, allowing that city to claim its first World Series title in 86 years (which, let’s be perfectly honest about, they have not shut up about since and have totally allowed bandwagon jumpers to hop aboard). She’s like Shoeless Joe Jackson, but instead of shoes, she just takes off her bra.
“Bra-less Candy”, perhaps?
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorMake money doing what you enjoy
Posted on July 9, 2008
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Sure, India is one of the few democracies in the Eastern Hemisphere and a huge tourist destination, but did you know it is also really, really gross?
It’s not just the two-faced babies or the people walking around with weird names, no, apparently there is a huge problem with people relieving themselves, regardless of which number it is, in public. This can be quite troublesome in an environment where people are all the time.
So the town of Musiri has taken the approach of the desaparate parent of a toddler: they are paying them to use a public toilet.
“Next year, we can install urine banks so we can sell the urine to farmers,” he said.
Mmmmmm.
Written by Bryan McBournie