Eat My Sports: Great, it’s historic, now blow it up
Posted on July 15, 2008
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Following last night’s historic Home Run Derby, in which Josh Hamilton smacked balls further away from home plate than John Travolta is currently from having a mildly decent film career, we have the 2008 All-Star Game. A game which the National League has not won since 1996, and have not tied (thanks Bud Selig) since 1992. And while all of the media is busy praising The House That Ruth Built. I’m finding this whole festivity, a freaking riot. By the way, if George Herman Ruth ever built a house, he was rarely sober, so I wouldn’t trust the foundation. I could go on for another 1,500 words in metaphors, but I’m on a deadline. Read more
Written by Bryan SchoolsThe latest from the field of medicine
Posted on July 15, 2008
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Here at SeriouslyGuys, we care about our readers’ health, mostly because there are so few of them and we can’t afford to lose any. With that touching thought in mind, we have two important pieces of medical advice for you today:
Did you know that metal objects, while they may be tasty treats, can actually be bad for you? It’s true! While an excellent source of iron (HAR!), assorted metal objects can be harmful to one’s tummy. Doctors in Peru recently announced this medical breakthrough after removing knives, nails, screws, a watch, some barbed wire and other scrumptious shiny objects from a man’s stomach. Also bad for you: standing near a magnet after eating a meal like that.
Lasers are bad, too–not to eat, that’s perfectly fine. But it turns out lasers may not be good for your eyes, so stop staring at your optic mouse right now! Some ravers in Moscow are now partially blind because the laser show burned their retinas (retinae?), which, this blog understands, is not a good thing. However, listening to loud electronic music while on illicit substances is A-OK, kids!
For more expert advice, be sure to turn your head and cough for Dr. Snee.
Written by Bryan McBournieSuddenly, we don’t care about Tibet
Posted on July 15, 2008
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In a double-gut punch, animals have struck our steely nerves with a pneumatic hammer. (Fortunately, they could not affect our resolve in the War on Animals.)
A Tibetan Lama is going bless detained cats at a Boston-area animal “shelter.” That’s right: Tibet is actively undermining all the enhanced interrogation techniques we’ve used to destroy these cats’ religion by giving them a new one — in this case, Buddhism.
Now these cats won’t care if we threaten to drown them or give them leukemia: they’ll just be reborn as a giraffe or something. This is just what we’d suspect from a lama: a direct spit in our face.
This could have been another “Free Tibet” blog post, but no! That ship has sailed.
Written by Rick Snee2, 4, 6, 8, wearing clothes is what we hate
Posted on July 15, 2008
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What’s wrong SG-ite? Feeling let down that one public display of nudity has been ended? Well, fret not! Naked bike protesters have begun striking in Denver—and once again, the Guys had to skip the festivities due to a severe banana seat injury we sustained a while ago.
But, you know, we’d really rather not go into details about that.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorPets continue to mooch
Posted on July 15, 2008
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We all know pets require a lot of time, care, attention, maintenance and in some cases, poop scooping. But the times are changing, and so are pets’ needs. One sign of this is that dogs now require cell phones, but you get stuck with the bill when they cannot pay it (they don’t have jobs, of course).
A collection agency sent Andy Fanelli, a fluffy white dog of some sort in California, a bill for $142.34 for Verizon Online. The lazy dog apparently has had a cell phone somewhere and is sticking it to is owners. This is why you can’t get attached to pets, because you may one day have to put them down.
(Via Consumerist)
Written by Bryan McBournie