Eat My Sports: Great, it’s historic, now blow it up

Posted on July 15, 2008
Filed Under Eat My Sports | |

Following last night’s historic Home Run Derby, in which Josh Hamilton smacked balls further away from home plate than John Travolta is currently from having a mildly decent film career, we have the 2008 All-Star Game. A game which the National League has not won since 1996, and have not tied (thanks Bud Selig) since 1992. And while all of the media is busy praising The House That Ruth Built. I’m finding this whole festivity, a freaking riot. By the way, if George Herman Ruth ever built a house, he was rarely sober, so I wouldn’t trust the foundation. I could go on for another 1,500 words in metaphors, but I’m on a deadline.

Due to current MLB stipulations, the managers of the previous year’s World Series teams get to manage the All-Star game. Enter Terry “Call Me ‘The Don’” Francona. That’s right, manager of your Boston Red Sox 2004 and 2007 World Series Champions, Terry Francona. How fitting to take the man that orchestrated the greatest comeback ever, take over the All-Star game in it’s final year at Yankee Stadium.

This is going to play out beautifully as I can see Mariano Rivera being shelved for Jonathan Papelbon in the 9th to save the game. What better way for the Red Sox to give an even bigger middle finger to your rival than by benching the man who symbolized their latest dynasty, in place of the closer of your biggest rival. You can’t script this stuff. And for all of the New Yorkers who are calling for “justice” in this matter. Shut up. Sox fans had to deal with much more than you, so eat a little humble pie, and humbly choke on it, like in 2004.

Another bit of irony for the mid-summer classic is the number of Red Sox represented. Seven. Manny Ramirez, Dustin Pedroia, David Ortiz, Papelbon, Jason Varitek, Kevin Youkilis and even J.D. Drew. Drew makes it in, and Yankees fans can’t even vote Jason “Mustaaaaaaaaaaaaache” Giambi in as a reserve. Goes to show you that even the American Mustache Institute can’t help the old navy and white. For those of you that are mustache enthusiasts, take one hard look at Giambi, and tell me that he isn’t the spitting image of Clue Haywood from Major League.

To put this whole thing in perspective though, when I think about this whole last All-Star Game at Yankee Stadium scenario, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Now, turn it into a parking lot.

Top five things that annoy me in sports this week:
5. Elton Brand
You went back on your word. Good luck winning anything in Philly.
4. Baron Davis
You still signed after that garbage? Should’ve gone to Philly.
3. Josh Hamilton puff pieces
Enough. I know the guy was addicted to crack. Can we move on, please?
2. The Rays
Actually, I applaud you. Nice choke job before the break.
1. Green Bay Packers
Now who is the whining brat?

Written by Bryan Schools