Seven and a half years. I’ve seen shorter marriages. I’ve seen couples be together twice as long and not even go through half as much. Seven and a half years. We fell in love with the goofiness, the laid back attitude, even questionable hairstyles. We’ve won two World Series titles that never would have happened, nor meant nearly as much without him. Seven and a half years. But now, Manny Ramirez, we’ll never be able to quit you, but I think it’s time for the immanent divorce. You had us at “hello,” now we need to end this with “goodbye.” That’s right, a Jerry Maguire reference, I write this column for some seriously, sensitive dudes! Continue reading Eat My Sports: Manny to the Angels? I’d be Vlad to hear it
Month: July 2008
Awwwwwww!
WARNING: This video from CNN contains footage of the two most adorable little puppy dogs you’ll see all day …
… as they’re hauled off by police for killing a two-month-old baby.
One suspect is a small pug, but the primary suspect is a six-month-old black lab, who loves being hand-carried, kisses and the blood of the innocent. Neither has fessed up to the crime, yet, but police have not ruled out enhanced interrogation techniques like blowing in their faces while they lick the air.
They’re not so cute now, eh PETA?
Inside job
Last week we warned you about the six-legged freak of a deer that resides in Georgia. Well after an attack from our double agent dog, the deer has found a home with George Gallagher of Berry College in order to prevent this animal nuclear weapon from becoming exatly what it is, a “circus sideshow.”
Gallagher offers refuge for “unique” animals, we can only hope that she is studying the enemy to learn their weaknesses.
Chippendale off the old block
We know it’s a crime to impersonate a police officer, but impersonating a Chippendale dancer? That’s exactly what happened in Culpeper, VA over the weekend. According to the official Chippendale headquarters, hq, for short, Culpeper was not on the official tour. And folks, we’re thinking the same thing you are: the Rescue Rangers are on tour?
Iowa: finally in the news for something other than a caucus
Strippers can now drop the much maligned social stigma that comes with their practice. For you see, in Iowa, these single-mothers of two who are having dollar bills stuffed into their g-strings in order to make it through med school are not forlorn harlots, no, they’re artists.
According to Iowa law, there is no all nude stripping allowed … in clubs. However, if it is performed in a theater or art center, it is considered art. Unless it is the 17-year-old niece of a local Des Moines sheriff.
Settle down, class!
After finally getting the majority of students medicated into docility, educators are facing a new Madison Avenue-created education-deterrent: energy drinks.
In response to children being awake, enthusiastic and eager for discussion, schools are banning the drinks outright. There has been little fight against the bans, which is fortunate because no prevention tactics have been adopted. (That’s right, kids: you can still take shots of Red Bull before school.)
As opponents to education in general, The Guys fully support these meaures. The last thing we need is for kids to realize that their adult contemporaries can’t do anything without their morning coffee. That kind of knowledge will only lead to our eventual downfall.
Drunker than meets the eye
It’s only Monday, and yet those poor, poor celebrities are off to a rough start already. Former Disney star, and current luckiest freaking man alive, Shia LaBeouf, was left with a DUI on his record after a crash early Sunday morning in L.A.
Though LaBeouf could not be reached for comment, we are just as surprised as he is that his Ford F-150 didn’t transform into an Autobot in time to save him either.
Mr. T-bagged
Honestly, it took Snickers this long to have homosexual groups force them into pulling an advertisement? Quite frankly, we don’t get it. A commercial of Mr. T shooting chocolate bars filled with nuts at an effeminate looking speed walker? Not phallic or remotely gay in the least.
For further fun with this ad, and not to mention to add to the growing homophobia surrounding it. Check out this site running for the Mr. T commercials. We’d like to make a joke about the “Loud and Proud” section, or the fact that they could have incorporated everyone, and just had “The Gay-Team,” but we have more class than that.
Going to be a while? Mr. T pities tha fool!
Exposing body and soul to a flag-and that’s it
SG quick tip time, everybody—if you’re ever completely naked while riding a horse (clearly giving new meaning to the term “bareback”) in Peru, don’t use the country’s flag as a saddle. Believe it or not, they frown upon that! Who would’ve guessed? Not me. But then again, I live in the United States. WE WILL EAT YOU.
MasterChugs Theater: ‘Cleopatra Jones’
We close out both July and our look at blaxploitation with one more epic film in the genre. Starring the late Tamara Dobson in the lead role, Cleopatra Jones was the first film to mark the beginning of a sub-genre of blaxploitation films that focused on strong female leads who took an active role in shootouts and fights. That’s right, blaxploitation wasn’t just all about those super cool men. No, there were plenty of hot ladies that control of the screen. Once again, though, we ask the question-is it any good? Hit the jump to find out. Watch out though, cuz “Cleopatra’s coming at ya!” Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Cleopatra Jones’