Month: July 2008

You Missed It: Hit and run edition

What can I say? It’s Friday in late July and everyone seems to be going on vacation. In fact, I will be on vacation next week, so yes, I will miss it. However, if you were too busy being courted by the Minnesota Vikings, then odds are you missed it.

Novak no-stop
Spy-outer and  Politico pundit Robert Novak made headlines this week for something, but this time it wasn’t something he wrote. While driving in Washington, D.C., Novak hit an 86-year old homeless man and his car did not stop until a block or two later, when a witness on a bicycle flagged him down. The witness said the man rolled across Novak’s hood. Novak told reporters he did not see the homeless man, mostly because he was lost daydreaming about the redecorating efforts of cavernous lair.

Named storm comes to shore
Hurricane Dolly became the first named storm of the 2008 season to hit the U.S. when it made landfall near Brownsville, Texas. Surprisingly enough, the media seemed to miss the obvious “Hello, Dolly” puns waiting to be made. This blog would never stoop to such a level–wait, we just did.

Obama campaigns abroad
In an obvious effort to combat an image of inexperience in foreign policy, Sen. Barack Obama went on a tour this week of the Middle East and Europe. Stops included Israel, Germany and France. Obama has reported ended each speech with, “I want to improve U.S. relations with foreign countries, and that’s why I want all of you to vote for me!”

Look at the pretty colors
NASA announced this week that its THEMIS (Time History of Events and Macroscale Interactions during Substorms) mission has discovered that the Northern Lights are caused by the stressed magentosphere snapping into a new shape. The space agency said it picked the mission because everyone there had been taught in middle school what caused the lights, but could not quite remember what it was.

And beside the azaleas, you’ll find a wonderful bouquet of weed

It was business as usual in the Netherlands. Wash the plates. Feed the hookers. Patrol the streets. It’s ususally like that for all, from the young to the old. Why, for one senior citizen, his morning routine is the same as it is everyday-get out the watering pot, make some coffee, go water the plants in the front yard. ALL the plants. The rhododendrons, the azalea bushes, the tulips, the begonias and the marijuana plants. WAIT, WHAT? WEED?!!!?

Yes, a local citizen found himself victim to not just to a newly created crack force set up by the Dutch government to crack down on marijuana cultivation in the country, but as he pleaded his case, also the local youth hooligans, the apparent true perpetrators of the crime. Because, when in doubt, it’s always the fault of teenagers. The gentleman promised to destroy the plants.

In other and totally unrelated news, the same old man suddenly had his glaucoma cleared up.

Warrior of the Week: Gabriel Almeida

When one is faced with an angry dog, it is hard to think. When that dog attacks you (we assume) it is even harder to react and fend off the enemy combatant. But in times of great trouble, heroes are born. This week, we celebrate the first Brazilian to earn the honor of Warrior of the Week: Gabriel Almeida.

A dog attacked him, biting his left arm. How did Gabriel, only 11 years old respond? By biting the dog on the neck. He bit the dog so hard that he ended up losing a tooth. You guessed it, it was a canine.

Seldom is such valor seen, much less in someone so young. Gabriel is not only the first Brazilian to win the award, he is also the youngest. All of us here at SG salute him and his efforts to help us win.

How To: Care less

No matter where you go for meaningful conversation, you will always encounter some nihilist who “could care less.” But what do they mean by that? Could they care less about the topic? Could they care less about you? More importantly, why could they care less and why don’t they?

Our guess is that they want to care less, but don’t know how to politely do so. It’s a common problem in our society where people prefer email to phone calls, home school to evolution and porn to wife-swapping.

But it doesn’t have to be! With this guide, we will dispense with the “couldas” and teach you how to care less. Continue reading How To: Care less

The War on Toddlers

Whales are more of a nuisance than anything. They keep beaching themselves or dying of shock from the U.S. Navy’s submarine sonar. But now they are being compared to toddlers.

Yes, toddlers, those freeloading brats. They are poor with language skills, manners, personal hygiene and they are needy–just like whales. And like toddlers, whales are doing exactly what they are not supposed to do: swim toward a big ship after it makes sounds trying to shoo the pesky whales away.

Don’t get us wrong, we are happy to see whales willing to off themselves for our cause, but they are the kamikazes of the ocean. Each sliced up whale results in damage to the ship, which means the cargo is slowed, which means you cannot buy it as rapidly, which slows the economy, ultimately costing you your job.

College Republicans get you

College Republicans just can’t figure out what’s happening on their campuses. For some reason, they just can’t get students to their meetings.

Now, why is that? Could it be:

  • The war in Iraq?
  • Reports of a decling economy despite free-market reign?
  • A pro-life stance that doesn’t jive with Thirsty Thursday?
  • The proclivity of Liberal Arts majors to support Democrats?
  • You’re a dork?
  • Or is it because John McCain is old? Yes, that must be it.

Good thing we got to the bottom of this image problem.

WHAT DID WE LOSE? OUR CASE!

SeriouslyGuys like to think of ourselves as very, very world-reknowned. I mean, we have to be in order to get you, our adoring audience and fans, the very best in news. We also like to think of ourselves as very attentive and determined. After all, who else would have brought you the news about the epic “Lesbos v. Lesbians” in May? What site would update you in June when Lesbos got their time in court? Certainly not the official Lilith Fair site, I can tell you that. And what site gives the final piece in this saga? SeriouslyGuys, that’s who.

Speaking of which, yes, it would seem that the case has finally come to a close. A court in Athens recently ruled that a word could not truly define the identity of those that reside in that area, and as such, lesbians was a fine enough word to describe gay groups. Also, the cost of the word lesbian is approximately $366.20 USD. Key words were spoken by Vassilis Chirdaris, head of G.L.U.G. (no, I swear to God that I’m not making up that acronym):

This is a good decision for lesbians everywhere

Personally, I’ll definitely agree with him. I’m hard pressed to think up of anything that goes along with “TOTALLY HOT ______ ACTION”.

Comparing apples and Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii

Ever get sick of those ridiculous celebrity baby names? It started with Apple, now we’ve moved on to baby Suri, and the possibility of Matthew “Bongos” McConaughey naming his son after the European beer, Bud. Well one New Zealand judge has had enough, and finally decided to start killing off idiot celbs take matters in to his own hands/court.

Rob Murfitt has legally made an area couple change their daughter’s name from Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. While the girl’s new name has not been released, speculations of Dora The Explorer and Debbie Does Dallas are floating around.

What has six hooves and hates you?

Deer threaten cars everywhere and mostly serve as an excuse to get our nation’s gun enthusiasts out into the forest for days at a time. This quiet, unimposing animal disarms most people with its cute behavior, but as we all know, the only good deer is one mounted on a wall.

But that does not stop the deer from trying. They have rolled out their newest version of terror, the 2009 models are in, and deer now have 50 percent more legs to kill you. A six-legged deer was found in Georgia and is currently “in physicians’ care,” which we all know to mean “ready for a horrible death.” Veterinarians do not want to release the freak back into the wild, because it might get hurt or, you know, have six-legged deer babies someday.

This blog says there is but one solution to this problem: we need the advice of Smith and Wesson.

Take it from Snee: Batman is not Bush

Remember when 300 was released and everyone was arguing whether George Bush was Leonidas or the Iraqi people were the Spartans? Or when both conservatives and liberals were claiming the titular role in V for Vendetta? Or if that was too long ago for you, how about when Wall-E came out and the Internet pipes burned with fat indigestion indignation and anti-environmentalism?

After The Dark Knight‘s record-breaking weekend, several eggheads are already suggesting that Batman is President George Bush in the War of Terror.

SG Side Note:
If terrorists want to frighten Americans again, and–let’s face it–they haven’t lately, they should dress like clowns. Imagine those tiny little cars stuffed with 20 suicide bombers. Zounds!

As much as I love a good geek slapfight, I’m gonna have to put this one to rest. Sorry, but The Dark Knight is not about George Bush. It is, in fact, about my Great-Uncle Mortimer. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Batman is not Bush