MasterChugs Theater: ‘The 40 Year-Old Virgin’
Posted on August 29, 2008
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The 40 Year-Old Virgin is, first and foremost, a coming out party for Steve Carell. The one-time Daily Show correspondent has made a name for himself by stealing the show in such movies as Bruce Almighty and Anchorman. It was only a matter of time before he was asked to carry one on his own, and The 40 Year-Old Virgin proves he has the chops to pull it off. With the yeoman aid of director Judd Apatow, he develops his faux-newsman routine into a much different comic persona that may launch him into the big leagues.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorYou Missed It: Really long speeches edition
Posted on August 29, 2008
Filed Under Scurry '08, You Missed It | Leave a Comment |
Alright, this one’s going to be brief. It’s Labor Day weekend getaway time, and most of you probably aren’t even reading this today. If you’re busy stuck in traffic today, odds are you missed it.
When the phone rings at 3 a.m. …
As promised, Sen. Barack Obama let his supporters know his pick for vice president first. The news that he had picked Sen. Joe Biden was sent out via text message before he announced it publicly. The decision meant he passed over former Sen. John Edwards AND his mistress. Supporters woke up to the sound of their phones beeping, then grumbled when they saw it was something that could wait until morning.
You are the weakest candidate, good bye
Not be outdone, Sen. John McCain’s campaign took a reality show-style approach to its VP prick process. Every day one name seemed to be eliminated, adding to the suspense as to who would be voted off next. One by one, they got whittled down until the announcement this morning that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin was given the final rose by McCain. Palin is a former Miss Alaska beauty pageant contestant, and her rise to fame has already created a new term: VPILF.
Bob’s slightly smaller smile needs pills
Posted on August 29, 2008
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The founder of the company that makes the fake penis enlargement pill Enzyte has been sentenced to 25 years in prison for fraud. That’s what you get for making people feel bad about their small penises … and defrauding the public of about $400 million. You could easily call this a case of just desserts, if you feel that the appropriate yet ironic punishment of one who defrauds men about their penises is for him to be sent to a federal prison. Hope he doesn’t need to take Enzyte in the big house … or that he’s pretty.
Penis.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorSave the world, eat a cheeseburger
Posted on August 29, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Often, we think of our animal foes as stupid. When compared to us, they are pretty dumb. However, it seems that each of them has some sort of special gift to offer, aside from tastiness. And when that gift is shared with the rest of its animal allies their special gifts make for one formidable enemy.
Scientists who have been studying cows (where can we sign up for an exciting job like that?) have determined that the lowly beasts have some sort of inner compass, which helps them determine north and south. This, of course, is important for orienteering.
With a sense of north and south, reading and navigating by maps is made considerably easier. This means the hated animals will gain a significant tactical asset. We cannot allow this. That is why you must have McDonald’s for lunch today.
Written by Bryan McBournieThat’s what kids are for
Posted on August 29, 2008
Filed Under Too Soon? | 14 Comments |
OK, so it turns out that little Caylee Anthony may not have disappeared so much as been murdered by her mother, according to reports.
Cue the moral outrage from the masses.
Yes, folks on the Internet, we get it: killing kids is bad. But what if it’s your kid? Are you going to let an entire community of people who can’t use the correct version of “there, their or they’re” tell you to raise–or not raise–your kid?
What if you know your kid is evil? (For the sake of argument, you went to a fortune teller.) Because Caylee was taken from us so young, we’ll never know if she was going to cure cancer or become the President of the United States or the next Hitler.
This blog exists on one principle: our parents brought us into the world, and they can take us back out. Let’s not go to crazy with reforming these child “murder” laws.
Written by Rick SneeHow To: Endorse a candidate
Posted on August 28, 2008
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Now that the Olympics are over, it is time to forget about such frivolity and stop pretending you care about shot put. It is time to turn your attention to more important matters, like the election in November you are not going to vote in.
Yes, it is time to endorse a presidential candidate. Everyone is doing it, including rapper Hillary Clinton (endorsed Sen. Barack Obama) and Sen. Daddy Yankee (endorsed Sen. John McCain). Maybe it is your turn to publicly throw your support behind one candidate or the other. That is why The Guys explain to you how to endorse a candidate. Read more
Written by Bryan McBourniePutin: ‘B-b-b-but they did it!’
Posted on August 28, 2008
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For a not-president-of-Russia-anymore, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin sure has a lot to say about the invasion of Georgia. (They’re now up to ceasefire number 28: one more beats the Israeli-Palestinian monthly record!)
Putin now accuses the United States of starting this war, claiming our government encouraged Georgia to oppress South Ossetia and dispatched agents to orchestrate the entire affair.
Nice try, Putin. We wrote the book on making up other countries’ involvement in our wars (see: Iraq and 9/11). Don’t try to snow a snowman.
Bonus alternate punchline:
Oh, c’mon. We can’t be responsible for all of today’s wars! Mel Gibson has a theory you could borrow.
If love’s in the air, then what’s on the desk?
Posted on August 28, 2008
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Love may not be able to blossom on a battlefield, but it can certainly have its wild and crazy cousin, lust, make an appearance in a place of law. The district attorney of Bedford County, Pennsylvania says that just because he had sex with a woman he wasn’t married to in his public courthouse office doesn’t mean he committed a crime. And he ought to know–he is the district attorney, after all. Though, that’s not a divorce attorney, which is something he, and others, might want to look into getting. Just saying, is all.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorNun too pleased
Posted on August 28, 2008
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Two days ago, we told you about a beauty pageant for nuns. Today, we bring you the sad news that that pageant will never happen.
Father Antonio Rungi said the pageant was nixed after it drew criticism from his superiors in the Church. Rungi said the whole idea was misunderstood. He did not want to have nuns compete to see who was the most beautiful, it was to show how much nuns do for the world.
Honestly, how can anyone misinterpret a pageant for anything BUT showing off how truly great of a person someone is? After all, that is exactly what most pageants are about.
Written by Bryan McBournieGod 2.0
Posted on August 28, 2008
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These days the old scripture on dried pieces of parchment just isn’t hacking it. Everybody has to update and go digital at some point, that includes you too, God. That’s why the widely rejected parts of the Bible the Dead Sea Scrolls are being updated into a modern, readable text.
By copying the scrolls into a digital format, it makes the writing much easier to read, it even features a scrolling option! Ba-zing.
This story brought to you amidst unconfirmed reports that the Bible will be online as soon as it updates it’s Shockwave settings.
Written by Bryan Schools keep looking »