Day: August 5, 2008

Eat My Sports: Best and worst of the trade deadline

Stop your complaining about me not addressing the Brett Favre issue yet, I’ll have plenty of time for that when Aaron Rodgers commits himself to an asylum.

The media circus last week revolved mainly around the trade deadline, who (specifically Manny Ramirez) was going where, and who was going to get what. In one of the busiest deadlines I’ve ever witnessed, we saw three future Hall of Famers get shipped, and some for some questionable returns. You know what time it is kids, time to find out who got the good, and who got screwed. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Best and worst of the trade deadline

We found the enemy’s hideout!

We have more work ahead of us in our battle against the beasts. The western lowland gorilla seems to have a higher population in the Republic of Congo than we previously thought.

Researchers say that an estimated 125,000 gorillas are living in Congo, more than double the previous number of estimated gorillas living worldwide. Conservationists are calling this great news, but we here at the War on Animals know it is great news for us.

Sure, it may mean that we have more enemies to fight, but remember: the first step in elininating a threat is locating the enemy. Now that we know where they are, send in the poachers!

Warning: Butt cancer level … rising

After yesterday’s news that only one in four people know about their HIV-positive-life-outlook, clothing manufacturers and Science! are stepping up to the plate.

They are developing clothes that can detect cancer, mask your outrageous B.O. and even prevent the cold and flu.

And if we’ve received any indication from the auto industry, it’s that these new hybrid clothes will look just dandy on all you swells, too.

Photoshopper’s note:
Coincidentally, I just happened to restumble upon the world’s oldest “hole in the sand” joke for the second time today. Women farting on dates is a classic, folks.

You like a de sauce!

Everyone enjoys their subs. They’re filling, they have a cool spokesperson. But darn those infernal sub employees if they forget the way that you like your sub. This apparently warranted a 911 call, twice, from Reginald Peterson who felt it was an emergency to report that his spicy Italian sub was issued without the proper sauce.

In related news: Americans still wonder why the rest of the world thinks we’re idiots.

Oh, that old joke

Believe it or not, ancient civilizations were not just about wrestling nude or growing bitchin’ goatees. The ancients also seem to have had a sense of humor. So much so, that researchers say the world’s oldest known joke dates back to 1900 BC, to Sumeria. Stop me if you’ve heard this one:

“Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”

Now that you are done rolling around on the floor, let us analyze this joke. First off, it shows us that humans have loved toilet humor since long before there were toilets. Because of this, we should call it something like “hole dug in the sand humor.” Secondly, it shows us that while evolution may only be a theory, the evolution of humor is a law. Here is how we would say it today:

“My wife was sitting on my lap the other day (I know it seems strange, but she’s half my age, I’m 26, by the way) and she farted. Now, it took all the self restraint I could muster not to throw her across the room in digust. It got me wondering, does this happen to everyone?”

Pelican brief

We would have brought this story to you sooner, obviously, given we’re waging war on these monstrous beasts. Unfortunately, we did not find out about this horrifying attack until last night. Thank you, Inside Edition, and ESPECIALLY Deborah Norville.

Pelicans, they look harmless, they have that comatose look on their face while they awkwardly peruse the ocean for fish. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the kamikaze pilots of our enemy. Tourist Debbie Shoemaker was wading in the Gulf of Mexico in Florida (sounds weird, right?), when she was suddenly pierced in the cheek by a swooping pelican. This was no ordinary facial. The pelican’s beak required Shoemaker to have 26 stitches, and probably years more of pelican-related therapy.

We’re sorry to get this story to you late. But The Guys know it is still vacation season. And if you are anything like Bryan McBournie, and enjoy sipping wine coolers while writing your latest romance novel on the beach, keep a gun handy.