You may not have heard, but tomorrow they are holding the opening ceremonies for the 2008 Beijing Olympics. This means that there will be all kinds of fun sports to watch, like people running, people running and jumping, and people running, jumping and dunking. But since the Olympics only come every couple years (by our count), you may be out of practice. This might make you sad or afraid. Fear not, The Guys are here to show you how to enjoy the Olympics. Continue reading How To: Enjoy the Olympics
Day: August 7, 2008
Move aside Osama
As Americans we want our presidential hopefuls to be smart. We want them to have a firm stance on the hard-hitting issues that face so many of us today. We want them to be sharp and focused on the obstacles ahead. We want … to know who their favorite superheroes are, and why they want to be them.
Both Sen. John McCain and Sen. Barack Obama agree that they identify with Batman, but in this article/blog, we find that Obama wants to be Batman AND Spider-Man. You want a fork so you can eat your cake too?
For those about to rock, we salute you
A Swedish rockstar tried to have his imported booze come tax-free. Why, you ask? Because according to his sweetest freaking attempt ever logic, rockstars drink more because of their “profession,” and as such, should be able to write off booze from their taxes.
“I … drink a great deal more than the average Swede. I’m a singer in a rock band and whiskey is a part of it.”
Editorial note: Even I could’ve told him this, I’m a bartender and this type of stuff doesn’t even work for me.
Attack of the cloned pitbulls (and dinosaur relatives)
We all remember back in 1997, when the Scottish cloned Dolly, The Sheep That Will Send Us All Into A Moral Abyss. But since then, aside from a few cloned things here and there, we have been fairly safe in terms of force multipliers. No more.
An American woman had DNA from her pitbull dog Booger used to make a litter of clones in South Korea. Great, just what the world needs, more pitbulls. Only these pitbulls are super pitbulls because they are all identical and probably share the same thoughts through a psychic connection.
This is horrible news. As Bob Barker likes to remind us any time we sit down with him, there are way too many pets in the world as it is. They breed like vermin because they basically are, so who are we to decide which ones get to be copied and which ones eat out of the dumpster? We need to solve this problem by eliminating them all before they grow out of hand.
Speaking of multiplying, a rare lizard in New Zealand is still at it after 110 years. He is going to become a father. The geezer lizard did not like females for years until scientist found a tumor near his genitals and removed it. Now it seems he is back in action as an eligible bachelor. This species is rare and we need to keep it that way. Who wants an omlette?
Don’t they see what he’s doing?
Treymane Durham pled guilty to murder in exchange for a feast of KFC and Popeye’s, “calzones, lasagna, pizza and ice cream.” He received the first half on plea, the second half on sentencing.
Knowing he would receive a life sentence, he also got married in a hurry.
So to recap: he raised his cholesterol so he wouldn’t live as long and got married so he wouldn’t mind dying, both of which will shorten his life sentence the old fashioned way.
This is one smart inmate.