Day: August 14, 2008

How To: Tell if a celebrity is really a spy

We found out recently that while chef Julia Child was showing her chops as a cook, she was leading a secret double life, cooking up how to defeat the Nazis. Yes, Julia Child is among several nearly-or-almost-dead famous people who were part of the U.S. Office of Strategic Services, the pre-CIA.

We found out in his autobiography that Gong Show creator and host Chuck Barris was a CIA operative, even while he was on the show (something which has never truly been confirmed or denied). This raises the question: who among our current celebrities is involved in covert operations? That’s why The Guys bring you how to tell if a celebrity is really a spy. Continue reading How To: Tell if a celebrity is really a spy

Mini-How To: Dump your boyfriend

So CNN is hemming and hawing about how not dump a guy. See, the author, Judy McGuire, is worried that you’ll hurt your boyfriend’s feelings by dumping him the wrong way.

Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? There’s only one foolproof way to dump a guy without hurting his feelings: set him up with one of your hotter friends.

Which friend, you ask? The one with the biggest boobies. Or the one that decided to go to school instead of become a model. If all else fails, go with the one with the most exotically colored pubic hair.

He won’t care about anything else you have to say. Best of all, when that relationship is over, he won’t stalk you.

Once again, CNN–we’ve warned you about this before. We write the Thursday How To segments and you stick to panda stories. Deal? Deal.

Major sports store keeps cheerleaders in line

Putting a halt to all revelries, one new location after another.Shenanigans. They’re always afoot, even in events as hallowed as football. EGADS! How horrible!

Fear not though! The New York Jets will have none of the halftime boobie flashing shenanigans that plagued their stadium last year-at least, the Sports Authority will be seeing to that. They’ll be cracking down on all things fun horrible to those around you. No more early morning tailgating. No more drunken revelries. No more alcohol! Yes, from now on, all leering must be done through proper team channels, thank you very much. Brett Favre must be so happy.

Oh. Wait a minute. You mean it’s a different Sports Authority? Oh. Well now, that changes things a bit, I’d say.

It’s like ‘American Pie’ … if the pie had a tart

Everyone remembers our (the current mid to late twenties) pact.  Have sex before the end of high school, at least, that’s what American Pie told us that’s what we should be, er … shooting for? What the movie never explained was what the horrid consequences one might face.

Wait for it, wait for it. Like 17 girls at the same Massachusetts getting pregnant within the same school year. The school’s principal resigned from his post after being quoted as saying that the girls had formed a “pact,” and apparently for not linking the school’s computers to Rick’s idiot-proof guide on how to use a condom.

May your liver live on

Imagine a world where you could drink all you want and do no harm to your body (better known as the dreamland of Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass.). Hangovers may never be fully extinct, but distillers are making their products purer and purer all the time. Long term effects (liver damage, wet brain, red face, accidental marriage, whiskey-related impotence) are still a threat.

That is until now. Scientists have successfully stopped the aging process in a mouse’s liver (they know this by counting the rings). Do you know what this means? If we all get mouse liver transplants, we will never have to worry about sclerosis! Perhaps scientists can learn to stop the aging process in other organs, too. That way our hearts would not suffer from pumping so much alcohol through it and our lungs would not suffer from inhaling all that musting, smoky bar air.

We could drink on forever!