Day: August 18, 2008

Send us your ugs, mate

Loneliness, like joy, is an international feeling. It can even reach the land of the Australian outback. The poor men in a remote mining town are finding themselves downright sad about their singularity. It is hard for men, particularly in such a Freudian line of work, to go for long stretches of time without the presence of women.

Luckily, the citizens of Sausage Fest Mount Isa can trust in their elected officials to help them out in a compassionate, professional and respectful manner. The local government understands its people and is ready to start a sensitive, mature campaign to encourage people to move there.

“May I suggest if there are five blokes to every girl, we should find out where there are beauty-disadvantaged women and ask them to proceed to Mount Isa,” said Mayor John Molony.

We know. This sounds like a win-win situation. The miners can take of their beflashlighted hats and spend time with women, even if they have to share with five other “blokes” in what will most likely result in a violation of Aussie sex laws. Also, ugly chicks will no longer have to wait until last call to find a ride home. Instead, they can capitalize on the lowered standards of the masses. Their date cards could end up being rather full, all for the low cost of moving to the middle of nowhere.

Feeling shot, shot, shot

In a move that has The Guys wondering how the hell we never thought up this one, ShotPak has introduced it’s new line of booze … that comes in a shot-sized foil pouch. Basically, it’s taking all the best parts of say a bottle of Absolut, and Capri Sun, and just combining the two and eliminating the guess work.

The move has not come without stirring up a bit of controversy as to the accessibility of the seemingly candy-like booze and how easy it is to conceal. We however say that if you need to hide the fact that you are drinking an apple martini, then you probably shouldn’t be drinking one in the first place, Rick. So the next time you need that quick fix for a purple hooter, you know what, we’ll just leave it at that.

Parents rejoice Putnam’s daughter

Dear parents of teenage daughters,

This blog understands that you’ve been worried about how your little angels dress when they go to school, out with friends or that sock hop they lied about. It seems like everyone–the media and clothing stores we continue to shop at–want to turn our future Presidents of the United States into little whores.

Well, good news: Emily Putnam’s daughter is wearing more modest clothing now. According to Putnam, her eight grade daughter, who may or may not have a romping social life, chose the more modest of two dresses for her middle school graduation.

So, the next time your daughter wants to go out looking like the aftermath of an ABC Afterschool Special, casually remind her about Emily Putnam’s daughter. Don’t hassle her too much: that’s the football team’s job.

Sincerely,

The Guys

I can’t let you do that, Dave

Nobody likes growing old, right? I mean, it’s pretty bothersome, what with the adult diapers, lack of beneficial driving skill, eventual coming death and shrinking of height (hey, I’m already short enough as it is). Want to be able to cheat death and also be an abomination in the eyes of any god that’s not composed of metallic logic? Then you want to be robo-frankenstein!

Yes, “Gordon”, a “frankenrobot”, has been brought to life with living brain tissue. Most interestingly enough, the brain tissue comes from rats. Awesome! Not only does this eventually prolong our life, but it helps with our war against those insidious rodents! Even more so, Gordon has been described as looking akin to the recent summer smash hit “Wall-E“. It’s so cute that it couldn’t hurt us, right?

Oh yeah, that’s right-it’s composed of the brains of dead rats. That should be an innocuous enough fact, if it weren’t for the more relevant fact that we’re currently in the middle of a war with animals. They clearly wouldn’t want to take revenge on us with their cold, steel arms, would they? Survey says: yes they would. Even an AdrienneBarbeauxbot.

The McBournie Minute: The end is near

The world is coming to an end. I know this, because a pamphlet stuck under my windshield wiper told me so. Someone came along to long term parking at Thurgood Marshall Baltimore-Washington International Airport and left it there.

The pamphlet was, oddly enough, from someone who started his own church, or sect, or splinter group, because no one would believe him. We know of course this means he is right, because only crazy people belong to churches of millions. I can’t tell you what his name is, or what his church’s name is, because I balled the pamphlet up and threw it away, but I do know that we are all going to die and it is going to happen very, very soon. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The end is near